Six Months Later...

And I have to say, life is amaaaaaaaazing!!!!!

This is the first year I have had where I haven't been doing the PhD or a related course for six years.  My life is so much more balanced now!  My evenings and weekends are spent doing naff all but reading, crocheting and watching tv :)  I have no heavy guilt when I am sat about.  I swim twice a week, for as long as I like - I don't feel like if I have time to swim I have time to work.  I even swim in the evenings when before I never would have, I was too tired from working and looking after my son. 

I have received my wonderful massive tome as well!  I have a HUGE leather bound thesis on my bookshelf.  I adore it.  It is my baby.  It is a lot of work.  I do also feel a pang of guilt when I see it too though, because I haven't disseminated any of my findings or shared my knowledge.  Which makes it all feel like a rather selfish endeavour.  In my defence I was *offered* the PhD position and funded, so would have been daft to turn such a wonderful opportunity down.  But still.  One day I hope that my knowledge will be used :)

In the meantime I have parcels that arrive for 'Dr' me (only parcels, am very childish and love ordering stuff for me as a dr but haven't changed anything official yet) and is all very fun.  I have two children who I can bring up to care about the world and humanity and hopefully have a healthy scepticism of big corporations and political speak.  I won't listen to any bigotry or nonsense about immigration to Britain that abounds in our culture under the Conservatives and use my knowledge and education to inform others.  I want to volunteer for a foodbank or refuge and do something useful and mostly spend my life standing up for us little guys.  I have stopped shopping at Amazon and large supermarkets, stopped buying clothes from retailers that use sweatshops (all of them.  Am a charity shop shopper these days) and buy furniture etc from charity shops, auctions and out of the paper.  I love it - but then, at the moment, I have the time as am still on maternity leave. 

Truly, doing the PhD was an amazing achievement and if you are on the way to getting yours, keep on going :)  The hardest bit I found was writing up.  So many people don't write up as I discovered when I heard the term 'ABD' - All But Dissertation.  It is so common to stay at this point there is a phrase for it.  Writing is tough, largely unrewarding and makes you feel glum as anything.  But treat yourself kindly and listen to your supervisor and it will be ok.  One day you will add the final edit and submit it for remarking by the VIVA peeps, it will be accepted and there you are.  You have finished.  WELL DONE!

Am off to eat some toast and play with the children.

Take care y'all.

x J

Why do a PhD? Haha, still a bit obsessed :)

Ahhh thanks for the kind comments friends!

Was talking to DB last night and am thinking of conferences I might like to go to in Sept/Nov and writing a couple of journal articles...

Next year (when little bubs is one) I might approach the local uni and see if my dept has any need of me...

I think I love my field too much to leave :) :)

A poster asked what the merits of doing a PhD are, particularly if one doesn't want to go into academia...  In answer I can only say that to do a PhD you have to really want one.  You have to want to study your topic (research proposal) soooooooooooooooooo much, it has to be a hobby.  Extrinsic rewards are, obviously, the kudos of being a 'Dr', and the payrise likely to follow completion.  If you don't want to be an academic then there are a multitude of transferable skills that would be brilliant on any cv/resume:  completion of a project (you are a starter-finisher) over years, project management skills, research skills, communication skills, writing of a thesis, dealing with people from all walks of life, presentation skills...  just broad brushstrokes for starters. 

However, basically you have to want to do it because you think your topic is brilliant, really interesting, and because other people (partners and supervisors) really want you to do it too.  Support for the dark times is essential.

Apart from that, I think doing a PhD is a very personal experience and something that, until you do it, you just cannot predict whether it would be a good idea or not (not helpful I know) :)  And I could not tell someone whether it would be a good idea for them!  I do know that I have a friend who is going to do a PhD after he has done his MSc and I do think, when he talks about it, how happy I am I have done it and sort of cringe a bit for him at the hideous mountains he has yet to climb while studying so bloody hard. Ug it is hard work.

However, I am so proud of the knowledge I have and actually feel a bit useful now I am out of the PhD process.  And because I have my title and thesis it won't go away - I will always be able to know that I did something amazing once :)  And this is turning into a new confidence - I feel independent and 'grown-up' and actually, now the pressure is off, quite want to do conferences... and write a couple of papers and, who knows, I might apply for a job or two and see what happens...

:)  Watch this space!

x J

I Did It!

Just found out that I am down to graduate in July so that means that I have been accepted as a dr :)

Will send my thesis off to be bound and then am all done!  Wow weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

And so this marks the end of my mammoth journey.  Am quite emotional.  Thank you kind followers for keeping my company on what can me quite a lonely journey.  I shall miss writing my blog!

x Dr. J

Still waiting!

Arg.  Sent a follow up email just now. as heard nothing yet.


Had my baby boy Friday morning :) :)  just want to know if I have finished or not!

x J

Friday...

I'll hear about whether I passed or not by Friday apparently.

Am not too confident as the internal examiner has told me she has sent it to the external for a final check.  This is NOT necessary so I have decided she is doing it because there are bits she doesn't like and wants to check with the external that these are worth bringing up with me.  Otherwise surely she would just say it' fine?

Am pissed off with waiting!  I still actually haven't even got the report so still have the full three months for writing revisions!  Mad.  In the meantime I have been invited to graduate etc so is all a bit weird and abstract.

Is a killer waiting.  I can't put my work away or return my books to amazon until I have heard...  or have my baby and he is overdue now! 

So...  'Till Friday... 

x J

Still Waiting!

Arg this limbo is getting to me now!

I handed in about two weeks ago and am still waiting to hear about whether the corrections are ok or not...  In the meantime I have been invited to graduate in July, subject to final approval, which is very exciting but hard to organise when I don't know if I really am graduating then or not! 

Am now starting to think about it all a bit more and analyse why I haven't heard yet.  So silly, as the reason I haven't heard is simply because my examiner is an insanely busy and important professor who travels the world on peace missions and is in incredible demand :)  But no, in my head I have definitely concluded that she has taken a brief look at it, sighed a huge, frustrated sigh at its shitness, and put it in her in-tray for when she has time to deal with such nonsense.

And so I sit.  And wait.

Oh, and the baby is not coming out either apparently.  He is most comfortable!  Due on Tuesday...  I can't help but feel that I can't relax and have the baby until I know whether I have finished uni or not... Nah, come on baby!

x J

Sent Off...

Ahhhh!

I am biting my nails with fear but the thesis has been completely and utterly finished with corrections, all new formatting etc etc...  and I have sent it to the internal examiner!

eeeeeek!

I hope, hope, hope it is ok.  Hope, hope, hope.

Crikey knows how long she will have it for, she is veer busy so could be weeks until I get it back, during which time the baby will be born!

Baby is doing fine, after thinking he was breech he is not, and I have finally found a nursery for Bean to go and have some fun at over the spring and summer :) 

Everything is starting to finally, after months and months of being up in the air, fall into place.  OUr new life begins :)

I just HOPE the thesis is ok.

I wait, and wait... 

Eeeeek!

x J

So nearly there :)

I have practically finished!

All the main points have been addressed, am waiting to hear back from Sup on a couple but am not too worried.

I have sorted the pagination, re-formatted it, checked and double checked that it is all laid out to the uni specifications and sorted the translations properly :)  So I am literally just waiting for sup to get back to me on those points and for the actual Viva Report.  Once I have that I can send it all off to the uni copyzone to be officially bound and sent to the library!

Can't believe it!  Maternity leave - and the rest of my life - awaits!  So close I can smell it!

x J

Sun, sun, sun!

Oh it is a beautiful, beautiful day!

But what am I doing?!  Bladdy working that's what!  Grrr.  My husband and child have gone to some local gardens by the coast for a picnic and I am here, alone, bahhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Am SO unimpressed.

I have to work tho, there is no getting away from it!  I have to have this done asap then every day will be mine :)  (as my sup reminded me yesterday.  This is such a short period of my life, literally one or two weeks...  and then it will all be over!)  The baby is making inklings that it might want to appear sooner rather than later too so I really have to get on with it!

I have got the Saturday paper that I love and some nice food for lunch.  So will work for a while and then sit outside for a reward. 

I will have this done for Tuesday!

x J

knackered

Oh I feel old and worn out :)

have worked my socks off to get as much done in these past couple of hours as I can and think I have cracked it.  Tho it could be garbled, hyperactive nonsense.  I have sent the work off to Sup and hopefully won't have to do too much more brain work.

I do have to re-format the bugger, check the refs as endnote will have naffed up my bibliography, check the refs through and sort out the translations so they are in proper English. 

This I shall do over the weekend then send the final draft to Sup. 

Then I shall hopefully have finished, finished, finished :)

x J

Getting there

Am so nearly there :)

Just got back from my last ever meeting with Sup, and last ever visit to a Uni - certainly as a student!

We went through the list of corrections and I have little bits to do here and there...  the translations and formatting will take the longest rather than brain work.  He helped me cut a few corners so I didn't get too bogged down in reading and is confident I shall have it wrapped up in a week or so (by Tuesday in my world!)

Then I shall have to wait on bureaucracy.  I can't send in my revised thesis until I have received the formal report - apparently what I have is an informal email just to help me finish this beggar before I pop a sprog :)  (very kind of them).  And then I can send the thesis for binding, and then hopefully someone will take the thesis from the copyzone and walk it over the hall to the research admin  hub where they can then formally accept it.  However, they may not want to do The Walk insisting instead that I do it myself, or I might need to sign some release papers, or have someone pick it up by proxy... 

So whatever happens, Tuesday will not be the End as such, but it will be end of any serious brainwork (unless the thesis is sent back to me for better corrections tho Sup thinks this is unlikely) and then is just a case of sending it off at the optimum time, to the right people. 

Exciting times!

So better get on with the last bits while I still remember what they are.  Have until 5 today to work, then am working tomorrow while my family go out for a picnic at the beach (sob).  Will chill out tonight as am shattered - baby not letting me sleep!

x J

Got the Report; Am Nearly There

God I can hardly dare to believe it...

but I got the corrections report and it stresses that there are 'very minor corrections' to be looked at, and I have nearly completed the list :) 

I have had the work back from Sup that I sent (poor thing, the whole bladdy thesis was sent to him for him to trawl through) and he says it is looking really good, am really nearly there with it all :)

I have today to work, off to see sup tomorrow and work in that city's uni library, then working over the weekend and on Monday afternoon.  I really hope to have it done for Tuesday. 

By 'done' I mean as much as I think I can do for now.  One thing I have learnt with this PhD is that it is never really over.  I can't imagine when sup will actually agree I can send it to the internal examiner for re-assessing.  And then obviously she has to say it is ok - but she won't tho...  it will get sent back to me again, and we shall go through the whole rigmarole until my children have left home having completed their own degrees and I will be a mumbling shell of a person.

But it could be over.  It could.

Gotta work!

x J

Conclusion chapter all done now!

Sup has emailed with some teeny corrections for the concl which I have done while Bean plays 'washing up' (drowning the floor in water in the process. I am, ahem, studiously ignoring it).

He thinks I am doing well to have done all the work I have but to be fair, he hasn't looked at it yet :(  It is rough around the edges to say the least.  Is so hard doing this while up against such a deadline.  Am terrified am going to go into labour at any time which is upsetting enough because, obviously, I want to be able to look forward to meeting my newborn not be bloody stressing about fecking up the PhD!

Ho hum.  It will all work out.  DB has really kindly offered to do a shorter day tomorrow and is taking Monday off so I can work. 

Am just so tired and don't feel well.  I know my body is telling me to stop, stop, stop.  Brain is knackered!  But I can't and bah.

Corrections report is in the post.  Am dreading it, can't bear to look at what I have missed and have yet to do!

Am really whiny, sorry.  And I got myself into this pickle! :)  I suppose I had no idea that after submission everything would drag on for so long!

Great news is that a lovely local nursery have managed to find room for bean to start next week, for one day a week.  Ahhh!  Bliss!  he will love it, and the routine will help him (us) settle down into our new lives I think.  He is not happy at having moved house at ALL.

Am not working now, but will be back at around 6ish to spend the evening doing my translations.  Hurray!

x J

And Sleep

Arf I have worked my brain dead socks off today.

I still have so much to do but have made a proper dent in it today. 

It is strange now how I happily work with the entire thesis in front of me.  Chapters feel very small!  I can dart around the whole thesis and know it and my 300 references inside and out.  I know each paragraph and argument and can navigate around it quickly - which sounds like it should be obvious considering I wrote the damn thing for years but actually, when you finish it is surprising how the thing as a whole is still daunting!

I think I have done some decent amendments today.  Some stuff like not being too dramatic in my phrasing and toning down some of my arguments (I can come across as rather over zealous apparently :)), or at least putting the alternative viewpoint(s) in there so readers know I am aware of them have been ok.  Is a lot of highlighted stuff which is what shows I have made changes. 

Still I know in my heart of hearts I am working as fast as I can to get the bare minimum standard met.  I am not flourishing about, I am not reading more than I should and I am literally working to save my ass rather than impress anyone.  I don't know how this will go down.  It might be enough - lord knows my Sup has been keen to impress on me that I am NOT re-writing but making minor revisions/re-writes...  And I can remember now more clearly what the points were in the viva so can address them as I go along and see what mistakes I have made (lots!).

I think being able to see the mistakes is really pleasing, it shows that even tho I was working so much before I submitted I really have learnt how to write so much better.  I can self-correct now I know my tics and writing does feel a lot more fluent.  I can concentrate so much more on what I want to say rather than how to say it in an academic way :)  This is really pleasing and makes me feel Very Grown Up.

Still lots to do though.  My brain/back/ankles are getting tired but I can't really afford to stop!  Will carry on for a bit longer and then will have to be patient and do some more tomorrow night.

x J

Got today and Friday

To do LOTS of work!  Oh, I shall try and grab time over the weekend too :)

Today I am reading and writing up the extra lit I need to add.  Am worried that my brain seems to have gone on holiday today but hope that I shall just push through it!

Not much to say really, just have to get on with it...

 x J

back, thank goodness

Ah.  Today I have a lot of time to work, thank goodness.

I have so much to do, and yet so little.  not enough to warrant putting it off for a year but then enough that without childcare etc I am worried it won't get done in time.  This worry is making me less than sociable and I keep crying at DB about the pressure of being a stupid housewife along with being heavily pregnant, not sleeping, having numb fingers (makes typing and writing notes interesting) and looking after Beanie AND trying to finish work when NO BUGGER (him) will help me out.

So he is helping out :)  Gave me a big cuddle and everything even tho I clearly said that being married sucks if it means I am basically a cleaner (but then, true if you do as much cleaning as me).

I have to get some breakfast as I am starving, and get on with reading this article I need to address in the intro (prob the lit review bit) veer quickly. 

yesterday I knocked two points off my to-do list which is GRAND and added about 1000 words to the thesis overall.  As far as I am concerned the conclusion is now done, but have sent to Sup to confirm.  I also tackled the stuff in the methodology the examiners wanted me to expand on (which I HAD done then sup told me to take it out...  so I put it back in with a bit of editing).  It really is so different working on it now to a few years ago, or even last year.  I now read not to learn so much as to just pillage what knowledge I can as quickly as I can.  Like an editor would I suppose.  Good practice for marking essays I guess...  (not that I will ever do that!) and writing papers without spending HOURS on it etc.

Today I am going to just work as fast as I can to address as many points as I can.  Want it FINISHED!

x J

Back to work!

Right.  These next ten days I am hoping are the final push, starting today.

I can rarely work for very long and hope that Sup's comments and indicators will help me focus on what needs to be done rather than nicer flourishes.  I am now 35 weeks pregnant and therefore liable to pop a baby any time 10 days from now (OMFG) and really need to know that can happen without er, fucking my life up.

So I have about an hour now, then we have to go to my nieces birthday party this aft.  I would like to work a bit more later while DB is doing Bean's bedtime, then I shall zonk!

Tomorrow I hope to work while DB is out with Bean buying things for this baby (Bumpy).  This should be a few hours :)  It is crackers how pleased I feel with myself when I have managed to work for half an hour while Bean is playing with a sleeping bag...  I needed to find notes yesterday so did this while he played.  The thought of a few hours alone to concentrate seems like bliss!

I shall also see if grandma can look after him a couple of afternoons this week.  That would be amazing.  Those hours and then working through bed/bathtimes and I can get this done - only the bare minimum sadly - but done.

Better get on. 

x J

Apparently I CAN do it!

Sup emailed back and apparently I am being rash and it is all fine?!

Am stunned.  Really, the last email made it sound like I really needed to pull my socks up but apparently my revisions to the conclusion I did earlier in the week are fine and so, apparently, that chapter is finished?!  The remainder of the work, he assures me, can be done just fine.

Hmmm.  I am working on it now as he really has put in so much effort for me to get me finished that it would be rude not to!  And the thought of completing and having the baby and just ahhhhh having completely finished is very motivating.

I just honestly thought I didn't have enough time.  If I do, I will do it - even if I have to work in the evenings like now, when I feel like death and just need to sleeeeeeep :)

Hmmm.

Well.  I shall get on with it until 8.30 then stop and have some evening for myself before sleep...  I have three full days of being a veer pregnant single mum in front of me!

x J

I feel so blue!

Oh eck.

Just got the guts up to email sup and say I am going to defer :(  I feel like such a loser.  DB says that I felt like this when I was organising maternity leave for beanie too, I don't remember and don't know why I would feel like that tbh!  It is my legal right!  I can't help being the lady.

Anyway. This time I feel it has gone Too Far!  What with sick leave last year etc :(  I feel like such a pain.  I wish the work would just be DONE but there is just too much to do.  The two case studies and extra literature for a start...  am due to have a baby any time after two weeks which is a momentous thing; I mean, I have to push the beggar out and haven't given it any thought because work is taking up all my brain.  I can't go to any evening preggers classes because I am committed to working instead.  But I can't even sit at my desk for long because my ankles swell so badly and I get pins and needles/numbness in my hands when typing.  It's not cool.

In myself I am perfectly happy with my decision.  Now I have realised I can't finish before the baby comes I am looking forward (in a way) to coming back to it and it will give me something to sort of work towards in maternity leave - rather than just being a SAHM for the foreseeable.  I am knackered and know that in a year my brain will be back and itching to think about something other than baby puke.  I have the thesis written, have even done the viva (phew!) and will have a comprehensive idea of what needs changing.  And I will have the three months to do it in - not just 2/3 weeks like I have now :)  That would be great :). 

Just feel terrible telling Sup, and terrified of telling Uni.

If only DB could have got pregnant with this baby!

x J

Erm... have to defer for a year!

Oh my crackers.

Sup has sent me a very kind but firm email saying that I have a lot of work to do that normally would take three months (as is normal for minor corrections) but I have only one month...  so without stating the obvious he wants me to crack on with it all smartish!

Only problems are that erm, I am going to have a baby in a few weeks (two to five weeks)...  and I have no childcare for bean (nurseries are full until September and even if I could get him in there would be a two week settling in period for him)...  and I am too tired/poorly for evening work.  Even if I had no child or pregnancy I would be up against it.  I have realised that to do these corrections (or, as Sup put it, not insubstantial revisions/rewrites) properly I need to actually WORK, not do a bit of plaster sticking here and there.  I can't hand something in that the examiner then says 'eh?!  this is shit, redo it!'

So I have decided to pack it in for now, go on maternity leave and come back in a year and finish it all off in the three months.  I don't have a choice, but actually I don't even mind.  I am not going to 'need' the doctorate over the next year as obviously I will be looking after the baby.  The work I am coming back to is straightforward, just time-consuming, no massive brain work as such.  I have written the thesis so can easily catch up with where I was, I will also have the viva report by then too (I haven't even got that yet!).

Uni will be cross with me, and so will Sup :(  I feel shit about that.  But I actually love the idea that I can stop worrying about work so much (at all!), spend these last few precious weeks with Beanie before our lives implode with a new addition, go to pregnancy yoga to prepare for the birth (eek!  I haven't gone so far because I think 'if I have time/energy for yoga I have time/energy to work!) and, for once, put the baby before work.  And then after a year I shall come back, concentrate and just blitz this in the three months... and then get a job :)

Is weird to realise I won't finish properly before the baby is born but...  needs must!

x J