Uncertainty

A particular issue that seems to occur to everyone at some point if not continuously while completing a PhD is uncertainty. There is so much of this and it is really confidence sapping. Cognitive Behavioural Therapists would have a field day working on someone who is succumbing to thoughts regarding uncertainty; if you ignore them or change the thoughts to ones of certainty all will be well, otherwise... it makes you tired, irritable, demotivated, confused, miserable, even, eventually, depressed. It leaves you feeling unmoored. Being uncertain in a PhD for me includes questions such as thus:

• Why am I doing this course?
• Will this course even benefit me in the long-term?
• Am I rubbish or ok?
• I can't work today, does this mean I am rubbish or normal?
• I haven't worked properly for weeks. Does this mean I am rubbish or normal?
• Can I complete this PhD?
• Am I embarrassing myself even starting this?
• Can I write like an academic?

and so on and so forth. Very negative thoughts but unfortunately, for me anyway, unavoidable. I get them all the time - usually if I am in a rut with reading or have writer's block, or about to visit my Sup. The best way I sort this out, bizarrely, is by seeing my Sup who is just so supportive and seems to think I am always doing a-ok, or by seeing my uni friends (not normal friends, they don't seem to get it and think by virtue of being on the course I must be some scary super-brain. And they KNOW me for heaven's sake...). A big change I have found in doing a PhD is that I can't easily compare my progress/lack of with anyone and find this really irritating! I have found that as my life has increasingly been situated in an educational context so my expectations of myself have been easily met - by beating other people's grades. Nothing easier than getting a higher mark and then being able to relax knowing that you are doing just fine. This is not a negative competition with other people (apart from with some rather arrogant and sexist boys during my MA - I beat them btw) but rather a need to prove something continuously to myself. But get on a PhD, the highest, hardest educational accolade and you are on your own. All of a sudden I had no margin against which to compare my academic ability or general competence to do the job; the scene changes and so one's mindset has to as well - or just does with maturity and confidence (yes really, have faith!). Initially I found that instead of grades I was comparing milestones: who is teaching yet, who is doing fieldwork, who is being published, who is presenting at conferences, who is writing chapters, who has passed their transfer viva, and so on. I wasn't doing much - still haven't - and so got a miserable about how my friends were teaching or were presenting or were away on fieldwork. I think I am slowly getting round to the idea that I am doing things in my own time for my OWN reasons. E.g. I couldn't teach because I was abroad that semester but was offered two positions; I can't present because I hate it and have not much to say until after the f/wk; I want to publish and will get around to that soon etc, etc. Making peace with this and turning the competition to either myself or rendering it neutral (not be competitive?! crazy) is in itself a process for me of coming to terms with, or even overcoming altogether, uncertainty. The irony as well for me is that I also compare my composure and confidence with other people, I think 'Oh, I get so worried and uncertain, and see her?! She is fab. Always on top of it, never worried, because she is clever and I am a blagger'. When really, if they are confident it is probably because they aren't so competitive or in such a rush to do everything. Maybe we all get to this stage to complete, just some quicker than others? The actual competition is recognising there is no competition... Just get on and do it, who cares about the others.

I think I may have just confused myself.

Generally I like to think, and have read enough forum posts and spoken to enough PhDs out there to have a good idea, that we are all uncertain and that in some way the drive to create certainty is part of the fuel that motivates us to complete our PhD. In finding answers to research questions, recognising a working pattern that suits you best and not apologising for it constantly, understanding that there are 'morning' and 'night' people, recognising that some people work at home, some at uni, some teach early some later etc etc, it is possible to mature and not question so much, or have such a need to control everything perhaps. This is an invaluable life skill and maybe an essential part of getting a PhD.

But then again, who knows?!

x J