Not Working!

Nope!  Not working!

But I am fine and dandy :)  I am FINE.  I am well,  and happy and back on track :) 

Work (uni) saying I could just leave it for months if I want has made me sooooo much better.  I was stressed before about having to wangle more time off from the dr (seeing her today) etc, and I don't like asking for time off, or having sicknotes and being defined as 'ill' when I am trying to get better.  For the last two weeks it has been really helpful to be recognised as an ill person, who needs to get better, even if it is that I am ill because I am sad and stressed. 

It meant I could forget about work and sit back and ask myself how I can change things/address things/hide from things to get better.  I started just doing anything when I felt the gloom coming on, just getting up and moving something so thr thought wouldn't stick.  I then made myself go out, just with DB and Bean for a meal or something, so I could cope in public without feeling under attack (the anxiety).  I di breathing exercises for when  started to have panicky feelings (still doing this) and this worked and made myself see my friends and be in public.  I realised that if I felt stressed in this situation or sad I had to 'shrug' the feeling off, I visualised it as a gruff monster that would keep jumping on my back and trying to claim me, and would shrug it off and tell it to fuck off.  This really worked.  I realised as well that as well as depression, the 'monster' was also guilt.  I felt really guilty for moving on and leaving the mc behind, like i should stay in a fug of grief or that would be dissing the baby I lost.  And this helped me move on too.

And now I am in a situation where I can think about lots of things at the same time, I can plan a whole day of things to do and plan and cook a meal... and think about work :)

I am not going to work today, I am planning to exercise (might not) and go to the drs and jump in with jazz hands and say hurrah!  I am healed!  And get closure from her agreeing.  I have signed up for counselling to address all the other shit in my life that keeps popping up in depressive episodes as i just want to be well, for all time. 

I am going to go abck to work on Tuesday.  I am very, very scared and dreading it but this is more to do with the work than anything else - I have a lot to do and also I have forgotton what the hell all my notes say.  So that is a lot of reading to catch up on.

Anyway, big essay but, yes, after a shit few months (second hardest time of my life tbh) I think I can bite the bullet and take the heat of the PhD.  Sick of everyone finishing around me, I want to be rid of the fucker too :)

I think I should plan to do something like 15 mins a day or 500 words a day or something.  plan a goal but an achievable one NOT 'come abck and write loads'.  Hmm I shall ponder but that thought is pleasing... seeing as I have until sept now I can take it a bit easier (hence coming back 'early' and not waiting until sept)

x J

Signed off again!

I went to the drs and have been told NOT to work and been signed off for three weeks with stress. 

Is actually depression (I thought I might be a bit depressed but didn't think a dr would think I was too) but I don't want Uni knowing that.  Apparently my miscarriage was the worst type to go through, dragging on the way it did and is perfectly normal to feel so shit afterwards, which is very reassuring.  I said about how I couldn't work at all and thought it was all so stupid and she said that I would at the moment so not to even try.

I am not sure what I am going to do.  I really would like to have this finished by the time I go to Italy in September.  I think I might give myself next week off for the jubilee etc and also DB is off work for nine whole days... so would be a good time to take my mind off things, try and have some fun and hopefully cheer up a bit :)  Then start work again after that but slowly.  I dunno, hopefully I'll feel better and mor positive and capable and able to concentrate then - basically be a different person ;0)

Need to have a look at when I meant to be finishing, am so confused about my deadline now!  Then work out a comfortable schedule within which to finish by Sept.  Slowly, slowly catchy monkey.

x J

Nothing Doing

I have done nothing today. 

Well, I have done housework and pondered about whether to cancel my drs appt this aft or not, decided yes, rang surgery and they say they are closed for the afternoon, I walk there to check and turns out they are closed until my appt time.  So I can't cancel and anyway was a bit wibbly wobbly anxious when out (though am fine and dandy at home) so should go along anyway.  I don't expect to get much from it other than advices to run and see my friends more and come back next week if I still feel the same.  I would like to be signed off a bit longer, though am off till weds anyway (though have come back this week as i have to) so doubt that would happen either.

I don't even know what to say and think I will just blather on incoherently about uni deadlines and anxiety and they will say 'erm, you are doing a PhD, what did you expect?  Everyone else manages?' and i shall cry and shuffle away in total agreement.

The thing is, I haven't been able to work because i spend my whole fricking day thinking about how not to feel anxious and depressed and how to feel better.  All.  Bloody.  Day.  If I wasn't thinking about that, to just feel normal and keep an even keel, then I would be working.

bah. 

My kitten purred today :)  She is so feral and timid and I was thinking yesterday that she might never really take to us but she purred, really loudly, and then settled herself in MY SPOT on the settee.  I have been usurped :)

Is pizza and apprentice night tonight, DB and I are being slobs.

x J

Done ok

I did my one page :)  Am now on the second page!

And hurrah.  I also think I worked out the odds me and my sup have over a conceptual issue that I see as key to my thesis but he thinks I have misunderstood.  I think it is just a wording issue that hopefully I can iron out pretty easily, and if I am right will actually add to the nuance of the thesis.  This is very good.

Not so good is that I am feeling panicky as I work.  My breathing is too fast and my vision is a bit swimmy which tends to herald the beginnings of a panic attack.  I felt like this coming back from dropping Bean off at the childminder's this morning :(  I do this so very often and she is a friend, why am I so scared to leave the house?!   I feel overwhelmed by having to work and think about work, and having to go out and get Bean and face the whole social thing of Being Outside and Talking to People.  I wish I was invisible.

My kitten is very naughty.  She is very curious now and knocking over plants, climbing up furniture and pulling clothes off the clothes horse.  Of course, she is a cat and this is what cats do and I am not that fussed, but DB will be cross!  he doesn't really get it and thinks she should just sit and chase balls!  Oh dear, he would be much better with a dog.

Right, better get ready for the big outdoors.  Am very very pleased with my efforts today.  I feel really chuffed, as if I did a conference presentation.  What a twat.  And then feel scared when I realise I have to come back and do it all again tomorrow!  Shit me, am so bloody frail :(  What a twat.

x J

I'm doing it!

I am working!  Only a bit.  But working!

I am sat in my sitting room, having cleaned the house like crazy all morning because the cat is making DB allergic.  Then had lunch and watched a tv programme.  Then thought about having a fag and remember I don't smoke any more.  Then decided i might work. 

Feel a bit panicky...  Oh, yeah, I have had three panic attacks this weekend :(  What an arse, is completely humiliating being such a wreck.  Am going to the drs on Thurs but think if I can start working and thinking about getting pregnant again I will be ok.  I feel really horrible about work, I have no confidence and feel like a total failure and have no perspective.  I know I can't meet my deadlines, even with the extra time from being on sick leave and this is terrifying.  If I don't meet my deadlines the dept will be punished by the ESRC, and my Sup will be very disappointed and still unable to retire.  But I don't know how to get it extended.  For now, for today, I am just doing what I can.

It is mad how unfamiliar and yet familiar my work is after so long away.  I have never spent so long away and it seems weird that I used to write about this stuff with such confidence, and, dare I say it, competence (looking at my work it doesn't seem all that bad, really).  And just now, I typed a new version of a sentence as if I even knew what I was saying.  This is a big step for me.  And because this is my discussion chapter it is very opinionated, so is really weird to be editing a chapter that is so opinionated, with my opinions, when at the mo I have a panic attack when trying to choose a sandwich to take on the train with me (I do, I did.  WTF).  I want my old self back again.  I want to be the person who writes this gubbins!  That person is pretty cool and, like, knows shit.  I am not cool and know shit all :( 

I want to get preggo again and finish uni.  I want me old life back when it was all ok! 

And so today I try to edit ONE page of my discussion chapter.  What is amazing about this process is realising how important my research is to me, and how relevant it actually is to international relations.  Other people might think it is shit, and that is fine because it probably is, but reading it and the language and stuff is... well...  it is quite intelligent and... important.  So maybe, if i can hang onto that realisation I can get confidence again, and motivation, and do some work?

One step at a time.  One page, for today.

x J 

Better Plus

I am getting much better :)  I am soooo glad I had this week off.  I have had a magic day with my son in the garden and the paddling pool and the gorgeous weather and feel whole again... and had time to think and feel good about work :)

I thought that I was not working because I was lazy or procrastinating, and because I am finishing a PhD that would be a perfectly reasonable assumption.  However, with the mental jumps I have made this week I have realised that I really did need the time off to reflect, let my brain relax and do its subconscious magic...  Anyway, I have realised that I can (must) finish this work.  I will finish this work.  And probably won't have much more time added on to help. 

I will go to the GPs next week and ask for more time, a couple of weeks hopefully, and ask for counselling to help me manage my life (shit family stuff and the miscarriage and just STUFF).  They can only say no, and for the first time in a while the thought of anyone saying 'no' to me doesn't send me into a panic.  I have been pretty weird and fragile and anyone arguing with me, criticising me or putting pressure on me has made me really, really stressed and panicky.  I put this down to the feeling of failure and fragility caused by the miscarriage, the feelinbg of being out of control and a bit crap.  I also put this down to the stage I am at with the PhD and the terrible timing of the negative response to mt shit discussion chapter and finding out about the mc.  The feeling of failure at both incredibly important aspects of my life that were solely my responsibility was too much and meant i retired for a while.  Didn't think I could come back.  But I can.

I will make sure I have a lot of treats, and let myself start back slowly.  The Uni won't kick me out if I cannot submit when they say i have to, but i won't make my life easier by leaving it later to let them know if I think I will miss it.  I need to email uni and see if there is a way I can apply for an extension with the esrc, pleading mitigating circs.  I don't want to hand in later than the end of August. 

I am putting all thoughts of a new baby off until after I have submitted.  It is too much of a distraction and if I do get lucky enough to be pregnant again I know I will be constantly shitting myself that they have died.  This will NOT help me focus!  No, for now, the PhD has to be first, then when it is over I will be SUCH a different person and a much better mama :)  I can naval-gaze and shit myself to my heart's content!

Even if I get NO extra time I will be fine.  I thought i could do it before and have to believe that again.  I can do this.  I like this work.  If anything stresses me out I have to gain persepctive by thinking of this in terms of being a Masters dissertation.  Remember how i worked for those and just did them.  I did not consider not completing the work however horrible it was.  I did have lots of treats and made sure I exercised a lot too.

It will be ok.  Don't think in terms of 'getting a PhD'.  Don't think about the doctorate, about the title or the graduation.  Don't think of how that could never be you.  Just get your head down and write what you know.  Just write what you know - at this stage I reckon it could be quite a lot :)

Now, am off to finish my wine, then the bottle, then off to london tomorrow to see my bezzies for a reet good laugh.

x J

Erm not today either!

Right ok.  I did sod all today.

I wandered around the house, did housework, mooched and even got a bit bored.  but I did not work.  I am aware this is wanky and i should work.  I am aware that sitting down to work will take motivation.  I would say though that I am not quite there yet but think Tuesday I will be :)

I have tomorrow off with Bean, to sit in the sun and get out the paddling pool (very excited)...  saturday I go to London to see my best mates, get shitfaced and exorcise miscarriage demons with my dearest people.  Sunday I come home, Monday is a Bank Holiday so we shall hopefully do something together as a family and then Tuesday Bean is back with the childminder and my work should begin again.  I have to find a 'in' though.

Objectives are:
a) I need to get myself sat in my room with my laptop.
b) I need work out what work to do.
c) I need to organise new deadlines.
d) I need to sit and work.

Possible solutions are:
a) Buy chocolate/any treat that you can ONLY have when sat in your room with the laptop on and some work in front of you :)  Bribery works.
b) Set a teeny weeny goal.  Like do ONE page of the editing for the discussion chapter, then have ten minutes off.  Then ONE page, ten minutes off.  Do this for FIVE pages then leave the study for half an hour.  Come back, continue.
c) New deadlines can only really be organised when I know if I have more time i can take 'signed off'.  I need more time from the Uni to ease back into work in order to meet my deadlines, and I can only get this assent with support from the GP saying I need this time.  I don't know how nice my GP will be, obviously if I have a sympathetic one I could get a few weeks which would totally save my PhD sanity.  If I get a grumpy one I might get a week, max.  Best to plan, really, for the minimum in the beginning then.  ALSO I have told myself I am not allowed to try and get preggo again until I have the submission day in my sights, which deters me from wanting to add on much more time.  This is a great motivator and really makes me want to get the PhD done.  I know before all my drama happened I was on track for finishing even though my deadlines were tight, so I should be ok...  but ug it is so stressful trying to write a methodology in 2 weeks (twat).  So, plan for the worst, hope for the best and amend accordingly.
d)  With my treats; my little, teeny goals and promises to have lots of breaks; motivation to get the PhD finished so I can have some summer time with my family, hopefully get pregnant again and Move the Fuck On; and long weekend off with fun in the sun with friends and family to finish the healing process... I think I should be able to work!  Back to work on Tuesday it IS.

See you then peeps and if you are working over the bank holiday I send you great good luck and many treats.

x J

not today neither

Arf I haven't done shit all today.  I can't concentrate.

i know on the one hand there is stress.  And on the other there is procrastination.  And at the moment I don't know which camp I fall into.  Friends and family say the former, and I do try and work and can't even work on my deadlines.  I can always do planning if nothing else!  I can't. 

But all I do is hang around the house :)  Or garden (beautiful weather!).  I feel like a spare part, and lazy.  I suppose I have to get bored enough...  I am not bored enough yet.  And when I go back to it and realise how little time I have to do everything I panic again and drift away.  So am neither on r and r OR working.  Is ridiculous. 

Hmmm.  I shall think about what to do.  I might in fact NOT work at all tomorrow, just sod it, come back on tuesday and by then I would have had aaaages off and really, it should be time to work.

yes.

x J

not today!

It is scorchio here!  And not yet a full week off!  Soooo I didn't work :)

I am very well in myself, happy even :)  having a week off has really sorted me off, all the pressure has lifted and I feel ok again.

Now I have to exercise some discipline and get back to work.  I will to some tomorrow, but will need a day of planning and organising, just to get me back into the swing of things and put my deadlines and targets into perspective.

it will be ok.  :)

Road Back to Work

Today I went for a run.  Only 1.5 miles, but out, and up a hill :)

Today I did not smoke a fag; did not comfort eat; have not cried.

Today I thought maybe I will come back to work next week.  Just ease into it from Tuesday and start being normal again.

I know today is a good day, that tomorrow it might all go tits up again.  But for now, for today so far (it is only lunchtime hehe) I feel ok, I feel in control and positive about my life and work.

x J

Signed off

Arf I have been signed off by the drs.  Well, I went for them to sign me off.  I can't work, am getting behind and the fear and feeling of failure is palpable.  I don't sleep well or for long enough, I am forgetful, I get panic attacks in shops and keep bursting into tears.

But I am fine!  Just shit-fine.  Something has to give, and it is work.  I will not work for another two weeks, try and get some perspective on what has happened to me since the 19 March and hopefully it will be over by then  (the miscarriage is still not technically over medically).  Some time to sit back, look after myself and be normal and not insanely sad and freaked out by how my life has turned out.  Need to get my head around stuff.

Then in two weeks, so...  the 29th May, I shall come back and start working again but SLOWLY.  I shall aim to do 250-500 words a day, no more, and I think this should be fine.  Then, I shall probably need more sick notes to give myself breathing space to cope with the pressure of the submission date and work and get up to speed then whooomph, I shall freewheel my way back into super-speed, top notch workiness.  I shall start achieving again, stop feeling frightened and panicky whenever i think about work let alone try to do any, and have my life back. 

Then, I shall submit and breathe again, go on holiday to Italy (this is all booked for the 13 Sept) and move down South.

I shall have to take Bean to the Zoo before i finish.  Even this goal, that I won't make it, makes me sad.  I had my heart set on being pregnant, on finishing by the end of May, on going camping to celebrate, on taking my son to the zoo for the first time and being relaxed and happy in two weeks time.  Instead I am a frazzled, guilty, failing, insomniac mess.

Chuh!  We can only take each day as it comes, and know that the future will look after itself.  It is the here and now, this very moment, that we must focus on. 

See, now the pressure is off, now I can think and have space to breathe, I can start to be positive ;)  This is a Big Change.

x J

Dose of Reality

Right, am not complaining, but I can't work.

I just can't.  There is static where my brain used to be and I spend all my time reading about other people and miscarriages.  I had a bit of a step back recovery wise yesterday that I did expect but still was depressing, and so I am going to the Drs on Monday to get a note to plead extenuating circs to get an extension on my deadline.  DB has completely got on board and apologised for telling me to just get the F*** on with it and stop whining.  Phew.  Support is an amazing tonic, I thought I was going mad because I couldn't work, I really did.

I do not want an extension, I do not want this to drag on, but I do want to finish, and to finish without compromising my mental health :)  I would be ok, but the work would be crap, rushed and lackadaisical and it would be a sad sorry struggle.  If I had a couple of weeks just to ease back into it, to be able to be chuffed just because I sat in my room and rifled through papers, then one day be chuffed because I managed to concentrate and not think about the miscarriage for ten minutes, and one day be chuffed i wrote 500 words...  until I am back up to speed...  well that would be so much healthier than constantly having bad days and feeling such a failure because I have dropped all the balls and just can't catch up.  I know, completely and utterly, that if I wasn't under such huge time constraints I would feel more free and less pressured and more able to clear my mind of the static and do just a little bit, little bit, each day that I could be proud of and that would end up being lots.  Slowly but surely the work would be the main thing in my mind again, rather than the miscarriage.  But this will take time - not long, only a couple of weeks/a month but can't happen NOW simply because I will it.  Like DB said, I am not the person I was before this all happened, the person who was working on this all before,  and I need to encorporate my new self into the work but this will take a bit of time.

It is a bugger but i am not going anywhere, and I will still have August to chill out in should I get a month extension.  We'll have to see how Monday goes but I assume they will send me away with a clean bill of health and a flea in my ear and I will be utterly f*cked ;0)

We are kitten hunting today!  Exciting times :)

x J

Hmmm Not Quite...

Back yet :)

I am skiving one more day and blaming DB as I don't have Word (free trial ran out) and need to be editing my shite discussion chapter today.  I don't mind at all, am really enjoying mooching about in a productive, healing way, without Bean on my apron strings and cbeebies blathering on because I am too tired to play, and drinks/food to make ;0) 

I am being very physical today, for the first time in a while so take today as getting back into the swing of a full, normal day; sorting out bean, taking him to the childminders (nearly a mile walk away), and am doing his tea and bedtime tonight.  Am still quite tired so will do all that and collapse later; tomorrow will be my back to work day, as really, I am not due back until next week so anything I do is a bonus.

Is all about poking my head back in the door of my study really.  I was in a very different place last time I was working in there and going back feels spooky and wierd!  I will though, tomorrow, with Word (rather important) and some coffee and sit and start working through Sup's scoring outs and scribbles on my chapter.  I shall have to overcome my pride and just deal with it, even if it really hurts and I can barely face it ;0)  I won't work the whole day, just an hour or two to get back into it.  Thursday I will work more again.  I really would like to have the chapter edited and printed to forget about, and a feeling that I know where I am at again in  my work for my return on Tuesday. 

I am off down South to meet my new neice-in-law and go to a wedding (can't WAIT, what fun, fun fun) Thursday night and back Monday night, hopefully tired but mentally refreshed and ready to put this shitty past in the past :)  Only 7 weeks then until I submit!  I can totally work for 7 weeks and just put this to bed.  Even if I get a bad PhD it will be a PhD eh, and the summer - and my future - is all MINE!

x J

Back on Tuesday...

I have managed to re-organise my work deadlines to meet my new submission date of the 30 June, which, I believe was a grand step forward and has put the fear back into me about how much I have to do!

I have decided to come back to work on tuesday, just to get my 'faffing' out of the work for my proper return in two weeks.  I have decided not to try and wangle any more writing-up time but am going to  stick to my old, very pressured deadlines (a chapter in a week anyone?!) and Get It Done!  Think this is a good idea as it will help me move on and anyway, if I have more time I'll probably waste it AND I am sick of my work now - I want to hand it in, even if it is shite! 

I have signed up for a 10k nearby in July too, something to exercise for, and have got my italian guidebooks in the post for our lovely holiday in september :)  I have ALSO got a wedding to go to next weekend that I have got a new dress for and ting.  We are off down South for the bank holiday to visit my new neice-in-law and eat pasties :) 

The future is bright (and hopefully has a doctorate in it somewhere...).

Offski now!

x J

Hospital Week

This week is hospital week so I shall not be working.

Technically I am meant to return to work next Thursday.  Am completely dreading it and hope to get an extension but don't think I will.  I can't bear to come back and straight away be working all the hours like I was before, just to break even, not even produce anything of any merit (see recent whiny discussion chapter posts).

however, I do want this bloody thing out of my life!  having had time off, even though it has been shite time off, it has been lovely for my household.  i am not grabbing time wherever, I am not distracted (apart from the random weepy moments) when with Bean, if DB needs to work over a weekend he can, and i am fine about that, instead of shouting and ranting at him about how that is 'my' time.  We go on outings even!  And, ultimately, I am a much nicer person.

Really, I didn't know how much my work was making me a nightmare to be around.  I don't want to go back there!

Well, anyway, I have to for another couple of months.  Then from the end of July I can be free to frolick for a bit. 

Frolick!

x J

Okay, Okay

I am not a very good PhD role model.  I am tired and sick of doing it.  I don't know if this is representative of a normal student, but I know i am particularly a) reactive to my environment and b) whiny.

I think the fact my colleague got his PhD has totally got my competitive juices flowing, if he has done it I totally can too!  Meh. ;0)

I think because of this, and having time off and putting my deadline back, I have a kind of 'this will *never* end' feeling and I really want it to end :)  I think I need to actually sit and work out my new deadline times and dates and this will bring the end into sharper focus.  At the moment, however, just deciding whether to buy a tin of soup addles my brain and the effort can even bring tears to my eyes in the middle of co-op.  Everyone elses normality just really gets to me. 

BUT I think I am turning a corner.  Even though I am eating crisps in front of This Morning and putting on tons of weight I am a) planning to train for a 10k in July so will have to get my wobbly bottom off the settee soon enough; b) constantly thinking about work; c) bought some healthy lunch today and am going to do a healthy shop; d) managed to post my sick note to uni, with a note; e) have been planning the move down South with DB; and finally, f) have planned a two week holiday to italy starting in Naples and taking in the sights aroundabout (pompeii, amalfi, positano etc) for september time.  I feel like I am starting to look around me a bit more and be a bit more positive.

I am unable, however, to consider sitting down to work or think about how to consider concepts and things, my brain is mashed.  I also still have to actually, physically miscarry as my body is hanging on to this failed pregnancy with ridiculous fervour.  I have a hospital appt on Monday, where i shall jump through some admin hoops and hopefully be allowed to be induced so this will all be over soon.  I don't know whether that process will mark an end to this hideous time or a new beginning so can't really guess at when I will be fit to come back to work without just being a total mopey dope.

DB has been completely terrific and kind and gentle with me through this and I am so much better for it.  I will get better soon! 

Today I will read the paper, watch tv and might have a nap.  I'm not sleeping well and am shattered!

x J

Bums

Arfins well I guess I have to finish then.  Three things happened today:

1) DB would not entertain the idea of me not finishing as I have spent too long on it now and owe it to every bugger else if not myself.  Fair enough, if people don't mind me carrying on with the naval gazing exercise that is writing my PhD I shall continue :)

2) I got the draft back from my Sup and it has corrections ALL over it but the arguments seem ok.  Just really badly written.  Embarrassing and i emailed him to apologise for the poor quality.  No wonder he is arsey with me.

3) Someone from my year has just passed their viva...  Now, I am very pleased for him but also mighty envious - I really want that to be MY facebook status ;0)

So I shall continue - but not yet.  My head is mashed at the moment.  I think it is quite good that I know how to get back into it - by correcting the shite marked by my Sup.  then on to the next bleeding chapter (back to the lit review).  My confidence is seriously knocked, but then maybe it had got a bit too high anyway.

x J

Pros and Cons over lunch

I am going to go through the pros and cons of staying at uni with DB over lunch.

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.  i want to pack all my notes away and never, ever look at them again.  I hate it, I don't want to spend a single second more of my life and energy talking about it ever again.

I don't want to be an academic.
I won't be able to pubish anything.
My family is unhappy while I continue to work.
I feel like a crazy person who just sits in a room and scribbles rubbish for my own entertainment.
My arguments are shite ;0)

If DB says I have to do it and he will support me completely and thinks i will be a loser to give up, I will try and carry on.  I really hope i can talk him round to letting me stop it though.

Better get some glad rags on to go out for some lunch.  Db is coming home early from work to cheer me up from my shitty limbo baby-no-baby status (still no sign of the miscarriage tossbag shittits) and my Sis is back in hospital with MRSA and other shit bollocks; and my week-old niece-in-law is poorly in hospital  (though hopefully better today and home, fingers crossed).  All too rubbish!  It is raining though which is great, and I am not working which is double great and actually, I am in a good mood?!  Hormones.

x J

Buggertits

Apologies, just like swearing.

Well, I have had a spanking day off eating doughnuts and fish pie and drinking tea.  Am now very fat, very thirsty and very tired :)  way to go!

I have been thinking, and really, I think I might quit.  I know, I know it is crackers, I am two months away from finishing.  But let me say this: working is a constant battle.  It creates friction between me and DB, who needs the time to work and can't see why I do this; creates friction between me and the family (DB and Bean) because I take so much family time at the weekend to work; friction because I have no spare time to recharge my batteries, friction because Bean gets upset when DP and I argue and when he doesn't see me much.  Not working these past two weeks has completely changed our family dynamic - I have time off when Bean is with DP or at the childminders so don't need it at the weekend, I am not shouting at DB for working all the time when I need to work and passing bean around so we can do said work; DB can work when he needs to and we *still* have time to go to a car boot sale or out for some lunch.  Bean is so much happier and more settled having me around more too and not being with the childminder so much and me not being so stressed (am unhappy but not stressed). 

I could finish but for what and for whom?  Why do I want a PhD - I don't need a PhD to work at the CAB which would be my favourite job of all time.  I don't need a PhD to work at the council.  In fact, with a PhD I would be overqualified for these jobs!  hehe.  I have three degrees as it is :) 

Arf, i just don't bloody care.  I just want to look after my family and have a nice life not making people around me miserable.

PLAN:
My plan is to mull this over for a couple of weeks during my sick leave and not make any rash decisions possibly based in hormonal imbalances and grieving ;0).  I shall look at the chapter Sup is posting to me (clearly so full of errors he cannot point them out on an email like usual) and see if I can fix any of it.  This is a big issue.  I shall also talk to DB.  If he is wholeheartedly behind me finishing then I shall be able to do it.  I cannot and will not finish with all the fighting going on, I just don't care enough.

Am off to run my son's bath now.  See, my DB is at work still and because I don't have to work this evening I don't mind at all.  In fact, I feel sorry for him and want to support him whereas normally I would be Very Angry and Shouty.  Life is for living and I wonder whether I have had my priorities up my selfish ass for all this time.  Making everyone drop eveything for me and my course when I don't even need the qualification, my family needs me, and DB, who pays the bills, puts food in my mouth and a roof over my head, needs the time.

Life was so very different when I started at 27 years old.

x J

feeling better

because I am not working :)

I am not going to work this week!  DB has told me catergorically not to and to wander round the house, eat chocolate and watch tv all day.  I shall do this.  I have three weeks added onto my previous deadline as a consequence of my sick leave and for some reason I was determined to work through this (chuh).  now, I am not as the stress of work and needing to achieve is messing with my head and making me iller!

I shall take time off, chill and find my equilibrium again and when this horror is all over come back fighting.  Sort of.  Sort of limping to the finish line (still don't really care about the finish line tbh).

laters

x J