Shit day

How such a lovely planned day could be a shit one I don't know, but it has been!

I went to my appt and had a HUGE row with DB about working over the weekend and turned into a 'you don't care about my career' (him) bla bla argument which I really resent seeing as I am ONLY working super hard *right now*.  Is complicated and tedious but generally it seems my PhD is becoming the Other Person in our relationship.  It bugs the shit out of me because I literally only have a few days left of this really hard work and instead of support I am being bollocked which is ridiculously unhelpful.

I dunno, because I am doing the work I get how hard it is.  But if you aren't doing a PhD I guess it must just seem like a really selfish waste of time.

Anyway, this put me in a really shitty mood.  Then I cried all over the dr at the appt about my miscarriages and worry for this baby, then came home and tried to work!

I did manage to work; I took the lit from an old chapter and stuck it into one of my contentions chapters which is good, but I do now have to go through it and make sure it makes sense and contributes to the chapter.  am sure i saw some shit in there too that needs tidying up, which is disappointing as I have already edited this chapter...  I need to be aware of overworking it though and getting all perfectionist and never handing it in!

I can't work now, am looking after beanio but when he is bathed and bedded I will sort out that chapter until 8pm then I shall watch tv and try to relax before tomorrow.  Then tomorrow DB is looking after bean and i basically have to get as much done as I can before the weekend as I have been told I am not likely to have any time to work then as he needs to work.  grrr.  I will work in the evenings when he is doing Bean's bedtime and really try and relax in the day.  I don't know how I will do that, am quite a shite half-assed parent at the mo as I am so distracted with work. I just want it done!

x J

Working away...

Well, I am back at work good and proper :)

I got back from dropping the Bean off with the childminder and came straight upstairs and faffed on the internet for about an hour, then some of the editing, went and made lunch and came back up with it, sat and faffed and am now back working again!  Sounds like a pretty normal day?!

the best thing is that I am sat here and not watching tv or anything else.  And that I am sat with my work open straight away is another great improvement.  And that I have nearly finished my quota of work for today - but am going to carry on and do tomorrow's is even better!

In the meantime I have been faffing on mumsnet, of course, and looking up places to stay when we go on holiday to Eetalee.  My friend recommended this site called 'airbnb' and it is amazing!  You can stay in actual people's houses and pay them instead of proper self catering etc and so get to have a proper 'local' experience for cheap.  I love it and am all excited.

Which is good for work because when we go away I really want to be relaxed and happy and that means I have to WORK!

Bloody hate working though ;0)

x J

Back in the study!

Today I have sat in my study more than not and it has felt like the right place to be...

I have also planned my imminent return to work, with a new completion date of Friday 12 October...  It seems a gazillion years away but actually that still means I only have 9 weeks to write three and a half chapters, and over four weeks to edit, with 2 weeks in Italy in there somewhere too :)  I did want to have it finished before going on holiday but that would mean having to finish by the 13 of Sept, so all writing would have to be done by the 13 Aug at the latest which only gives me 7 weeks.  This is not enough! 

Am pretty scared but know this is more time that I had before so should be doable?  And I do need a certain amount of pressure and also *to get it finished*!  I would love to get it submitted before going on holiday...  but that two/three weeks of editing time could be invaluable - if not, i'll have it finished!  I wonder as well if there might be some merit to having it all written and half edited, then beggering off for two weeks of sun, then coming back all refreshed and objective and then having ten days/two weeks to re-read, edit and have some perspective on it all?  And my Sup could have a look at it while am off as well.  And it wouldn't ruin my holiday because I would be practically finished, all written just sorting out refs etc.  (good incentive to be organised.)

I think I have to think about this in practical terms - in terms of actually getting it done - in a good time frame and think this is better than not getting it done in a short time frame ;0)  Does mean the house move to the South will have to be postponed which pisses me off but I don't think DB will mind.

BUT anyway, I have a plan :)  I have written out deadline times for each chapter and new working hours.  I am to start back proper tomorrow!  I am soooo skeered and bored to DEATH already! 

So, today my plan was to skive, tidy the house and make a work plan.  Tomorrow my plan is to work and go for a swim/run.

I should probably have a better plan than just 'work'... Right.  I have 14 pages to edit of the discussion chapter.  I am starting with this to get my brain back into what the feck this PhD is about.  So if I do 3 pages a day then that totals 4 days and a bit.  I have tomorrow, Sunday, Tues and Weds.  So that's fine then.  Righty, tomorrow I plan to do 4 pages of editing, 2 in the morning, and 2 in the afternoon (post swim). 

A plan.

I have made an actual decision today, not really consciously I think but a decision nonetheless, to finish my PhD.  I will finish it because DB looks despairing and utterly perplexed when I say I don't want to do it any more, and I understand why (though i know my reasons to stop are valid too); because i really want to get a job now, being a stay at home mum would be lush but I am not very good at playing with bricks and making dens all day, I get grumpy; I think having a PhD will help me get a better paid job that I enjoy and hopefully has some responsibility and can do part-time but still earn a decent wage; I would like the self respect that I finished it; and I would always wonder why I couldn't do it when every bugger else around me has.  What if I could do it, but didn't? 

So I think I should work at it, try my best, and hand in whatever I have got and if it is shit, well I tried and what have I got to lose?  Esepecially at this stage; I have written the research chapters up, and the discussion chapter, I only have the explaining chapters to do (lit review, methodology, intro and concl.  references and appendices).

AND...  I fancy writing again.  I like writing.

x J

Cool

I think I am going to be signed off until September...

I emailed the secretary to confirm I was signed off again, and said I will probably have another sick note for another couple of weeks soon and she said she could request suspension until sept for me if that was easier, and if I finished before then then so be it.  This would be amazing for my stress levels and get me back to work much sooner, ironically.  I also emailed my sup to let him know I was off still and he told me to stop thinking about submission and take it easy. 

These emails have completely changed my life!  I thought they were going to be telling me off for not getting on with it, but the support and lack of pressure and expectation has been such a relief.  I did about 10 mins of work today and stared at all my sources and am just baffled!  I need to go back to them and read through them again and get them into my head so I can write again. 

Generally I am much better, the anxiety is at levels i can cope with, I have seen friends and am keeping busy so I don't dwell on anything too much.  My kitten is now very friendly and purrs on my lap for hours which is lovely and heartwarming :) 

I now need to get exercising regularly and back into work.  Ideally I would like to finish before we go on holiday in september but know that for now there is no point dodging one deadline just to immediately impose another.

I shall have a look at the calender tomorrow and make a plan. 

x J

Signed off again!

I went to the drs and have been told NOT to work and been signed off for three weeks with stress. 

Is actually depression (I thought I might be a bit depressed but didn't think a dr would think I was too) but I don't want Uni knowing that.  Apparently my miscarriage was the worst type to go through, dragging on the way it did and is perfectly normal to feel so shit afterwards, which is very reassuring.  I said about how I couldn't work at all and thought it was all so stupid and she said that I would at the moment so not to even try.

I am not sure what I am going to do.  I really would like to have this finished by the time I go to Italy in September.  I think I might give myself next week off for the jubilee etc and also DB is off work for nine whole days... so would be a good time to take my mind off things, try and have some fun and hopefully cheer up a bit :)  Then start work again after that but slowly.  I dunno, hopefully I'll feel better and mor positive and capable and able to concentrate then - basically be a different person ;0)

Need to have a look at when I meant to be finishing, am so confused about my deadline now!  Then work out a comfortable schedule within which to finish by Sept.  Slowly, slowly catchy monkey.

x J

Better Plus

I am getting much better :)  I am soooo glad I had this week off.  I have had a magic day with my son in the garden and the paddling pool and the gorgeous weather and feel whole again... and had time to think and feel good about work :)

I thought that I was not working because I was lazy or procrastinating, and because I am finishing a PhD that would be a perfectly reasonable assumption.  However, with the mental jumps I have made this week I have realised that I really did need the time off to reflect, let my brain relax and do its subconscious magic...  Anyway, I have realised that I can (must) finish this work.  I will finish this work.  And probably won't have much more time added on to help. 

I will go to the GPs next week and ask for more time, a couple of weeks hopefully, and ask for counselling to help me manage my life (shit family stuff and the miscarriage and just STUFF).  They can only say no, and for the first time in a while the thought of anyone saying 'no' to me doesn't send me into a panic.  I have been pretty weird and fragile and anyone arguing with me, criticising me or putting pressure on me has made me really, really stressed and panicky.  I put this down to the feeling of failure and fragility caused by the miscarriage, the feelinbg of being out of control and a bit crap.  I also put this down to the stage I am at with the PhD and the terrible timing of the negative response to mt shit discussion chapter and finding out about the mc.  The feeling of failure at both incredibly important aspects of my life that were solely my responsibility was too much and meant i retired for a while.  Didn't think I could come back.  But I can.

I will make sure I have a lot of treats, and let myself start back slowly.  The Uni won't kick me out if I cannot submit when they say i have to, but i won't make my life easier by leaving it later to let them know if I think I will miss it.  I need to email uni and see if there is a way I can apply for an extension with the esrc, pleading mitigating circs.  I don't want to hand in later than the end of August. 

I am putting all thoughts of a new baby off until after I have submitted.  It is too much of a distraction and if I do get lucky enough to be pregnant again I know I will be constantly shitting myself that they have died.  This will NOT help me focus!  No, for now, the PhD has to be first, then when it is over I will be SUCH a different person and a much better mama :)  I can naval-gaze and shit myself to my heart's content!

Even if I get NO extra time I will be fine.  I thought i could do it before and have to believe that again.  I can do this.  I like this work.  If anything stresses me out I have to gain persepctive by thinking of this in terms of being a Masters dissertation.  Remember how i worked for those and just did them.  I did not consider not completing the work however horrible it was.  I did have lots of treats and made sure I exercised a lot too.

It will be ok.  Don't think in terms of 'getting a PhD'.  Don't think about the doctorate, about the title or the graduation.  Don't think of how that could never be you.  Just get your head down and write what you know.  Just write what you know - at this stage I reckon it could be quite a lot :)

Now, am off to finish my wine, then the bottle, then off to london tomorrow to see my bezzies for a reet good laugh.

x J

Erm not today either!

Right ok.  I did sod all today.

I wandered around the house, did housework, mooched and even got a bit bored.  but I did not work.  I am aware this is wanky and i should work.  I am aware that sitting down to work will take motivation.  I would say though that I am not quite there yet but think Tuesday I will be :)

I have tomorrow off with Bean, to sit in the sun and get out the paddling pool (very excited)...  saturday I go to London to see my best mates, get shitfaced and exorcise miscarriage demons with my dearest people.  Sunday I come home, Monday is a Bank Holiday so we shall hopefully do something together as a family and then Tuesday Bean is back with the childminder and my work should begin again.  I have to find a 'in' though.

Objectives are:
a) I need to get myself sat in my room with my laptop.
b) I need work out what work to do.
c) I need to organise new deadlines.
d) I need to sit and work.

Possible solutions are:
a) Buy chocolate/any treat that you can ONLY have when sat in your room with the laptop on and some work in front of you :)  Bribery works.
b) Set a teeny weeny goal.  Like do ONE page of the editing for the discussion chapter, then have ten minutes off.  Then ONE page, ten minutes off.  Do this for FIVE pages then leave the study for half an hour.  Come back, continue.
c) New deadlines can only really be organised when I know if I have more time i can take 'signed off'.  I need more time from the Uni to ease back into work in order to meet my deadlines, and I can only get this assent with support from the GP saying I need this time.  I don't know how nice my GP will be, obviously if I have a sympathetic one I could get a few weeks which would totally save my PhD sanity.  If I get a grumpy one I might get a week, max.  Best to plan, really, for the minimum in the beginning then.  ALSO I have told myself I am not allowed to try and get preggo again until I have the submission day in my sights, which deters me from wanting to add on much more time.  This is a great motivator and really makes me want to get the PhD done.  I know before all my drama happened I was on track for finishing even though my deadlines were tight, so I should be ok...  but ug it is so stressful trying to write a methodology in 2 weeks (twat).  So, plan for the worst, hope for the best and amend accordingly.
d)  With my treats; my little, teeny goals and promises to have lots of breaks; motivation to get the PhD finished so I can have some summer time with my family, hopefully get pregnant again and Move the Fuck On; and long weekend off with fun in the sun with friends and family to finish the healing process... I think I should be able to work!  Back to work on Tuesday it IS.

See you then peeps and if you are working over the bank holiday I send you great good luck and many treats.

x J

not today neither

Arf I haven't done shit all today.  I can't concentrate.

i know on the one hand there is stress.  And on the other there is procrastination.  And at the moment I don't know which camp I fall into.  Friends and family say the former, and I do try and work and can't even work on my deadlines.  I can always do planning if nothing else!  I can't. 

But all I do is hang around the house :)  Or garden (beautiful weather!).  I feel like a spare part, and lazy.  I suppose I have to get bored enough...  I am not bored enough yet.  And when I go back to it and realise how little time I have to do everything I panic again and drift away.  So am neither on r and r OR working.  Is ridiculous. 

Hmmm.  I shall think about what to do.  I might in fact NOT work at all tomorrow, just sod it, come back on tuesday and by then I would have had aaaages off and really, it should be time to work.

yes.

x J

not today!

It is scorchio here!  And not yet a full week off!  Soooo I didn't work :)

I am very well in myself, happy even :)  having a week off has really sorted me off, all the pressure has lifted and I feel ok again.

Now I have to exercise some discipline and get back to work.  I will to some tomorrow, but will need a day of planning and organising, just to get me back into the swing of things and put my deadlines and targets into perspective.

it will be ok.  :)

Better :)

Ah for having some space to think and breathe I am much better :)

I shall be back to work tomorrow, though unofficially as am still signed off to take the pressure off.  I am able to think about my PhD in terms of the project and my work and love for it again, rather than in terms of producing for deadlines.  So I am enthusiastic and happy about it again :) 

I went for a run on Thursday and Saturday, and went swimming yesterday so I am getting better in lots of ways.  I am mostly thinking of the future rather than the past which is also good.

I just think in general I have perspective on my work again which makes it feel manageable and all good again.

sort of!  We shall see how tomorrow goes.  I want to organise my new deadlines and edit the discussion chapter. 

x J

Signed off

Arf I have been signed off by the drs.  Well, I went for them to sign me off.  I can't work, am getting behind and the fear and feeling of failure is palpable.  I don't sleep well or for long enough, I am forgetful, I get panic attacks in shops and keep bursting into tears.

But I am fine!  Just shit-fine.  Something has to give, and it is work.  I will not work for another two weeks, try and get some perspective on what has happened to me since the 19 March and hopefully it will be over by then  (the miscarriage is still not technically over medically).  Some time to sit back, look after myself and be normal and not insanely sad and freaked out by how my life has turned out.  Need to get my head around stuff.

Then in two weeks, so...  the 29th May, I shall come back and start working again but SLOWLY.  I shall aim to do 250-500 words a day, no more, and I think this should be fine.  Then, I shall probably need more sick notes to give myself breathing space to cope with the pressure of the submission date and work and get up to speed then whooomph, I shall freewheel my way back into super-speed, top notch workiness.  I shall start achieving again, stop feeling frightened and panicky whenever i think about work let alone try to do any, and have my life back. 

Then, I shall submit and breathe again, go on holiday to Italy (this is all booked for the 13 Sept) and move down South.

I shall have to take Bean to the Zoo before i finish.  Even this goal, that I won't make it, makes me sad.  I had my heart set on being pregnant, on finishing by the end of May, on going camping to celebrate, on taking my son to the zoo for the first time and being relaxed and happy in two weeks time.  Instead I am a frazzled, guilty, failing, insomniac mess.

Chuh!  We can only take each day as it comes, and know that the future will look after itself.  It is the here and now, this very moment, that we must focus on. 

See, now the pressure is off, now I can think and have space to breathe, I can start to be positive ;)  This is a Big Change.

x J

Dose of Reality

Right, am not complaining, but I can't work.

I just can't.  There is static where my brain used to be and I spend all my time reading about other people and miscarriages.  I had a bit of a step back recovery wise yesterday that I did expect but still was depressing, and so I am going to the Drs on Monday to get a note to plead extenuating circs to get an extension on my deadline.  DB has completely got on board and apologised for telling me to just get the F*** on with it and stop whining.  Phew.  Support is an amazing tonic, I thought I was going mad because I couldn't work, I really did.

I do not want an extension, I do not want this to drag on, but I do want to finish, and to finish without compromising my mental health :)  I would be ok, but the work would be crap, rushed and lackadaisical and it would be a sad sorry struggle.  If I had a couple of weeks just to ease back into it, to be able to be chuffed just because I sat in my room and rifled through papers, then one day be chuffed because I managed to concentrate and not think about the miscarriage for ten minutes, and one day be chuffed i wrote 500 words...  until I am back up to speed...  well that would be so much healthier than constantly having bad days and feeling such a failure because I have dropped all the balls and just can't catch up.  I know, completely and utterly, that if I wasn't under such huge time constraints I would feel more free and less pressured and more able to clear my mind of the static and do just a little bit, little bit, each day that I could be proud of and that would end up being lots.  Slowly but surely the work would be the main thing in my mind again, rather than the miscarriage.  But this will take time - not long, only a couple of weeks/a month but can't happen NOW simply because I will it.  Like DB said, I am not the person I was before this all happened, the person who was working on this all before,  and I need to encorporate my new self into the work but this will take a bit of time.

It is a bugger but i am not going anywhere, and I will still have August to chill out in should I get a month extension.  We'll have to see how Monday goes but I assume they will send me away with a clean bill of health and a flea in my ear and I will be utterly f*cked ;0)

We are kitten hunting today!  Exciting times :)

x J

Goodbye Gloom

Ok so I have been very whiny and gloomy, and for this, I apologise.  I am now turning over a new leaf! 

I had a chat with DB last night and he was very frank about how lazy and procrastinatory (?!) I am sounding.  This stung, I can't deny it, and I am not completely sure he is right.  In my defence I have had the shittest time in history of late, and some stuff he doesn't even really know about or understand, and so I think I should be given a break.  He also is rather robotic and amazing in his ability to put aside feelings and worries to just work like a freaky deaky automaton.  He is an actual workaholic and so we, as me being lazy me, do not meet eye-to-eye on the place work has in our lives.  I am also more mentally unhinged and prone to depression, when he and his family have no idea about depression and do not suffer from any kind of mental illness at all, they are very stable.  So, his comments are not really from an understanding place. 

However, I also realise that he knows me well, and also the value of getting the PhD and finishing up in 7 weeks time (I said that I was very very keen to finish rather than keep getting extensions)...  I think he is sick of my PhD too ;0)  Certainly family life is very stretched while I am working because what would normally be our chill time is taken up with me working and him having to watch Bean on his own and vice versa.  I will get it done, with gritted teeth if necessary!  Also, my Sup is clearly disappointed in me so that everyone I love is getting cross with me must be a sign I am just generally being a Bit Shit.

We are, wonderfully, going to get our wee kitten which i am very excited about and will do much the same, if not more, than any sick note as far as giving me some happiness/respite from the relentless shit of life at the mo (hehe drama queen alert).  He did say he thought getting a kitten was the worst timing ever and clearly a distraction technique so I couldn't work (although, apparently, I could be pregnant, feeling sick to death, out of my face tired and sidetracked by hoping the pregnancy was going ok!) but I have already considered this and dismissed it.  It could be a distraction technique, but only in the sense that one needs work/life balance and currently I have no friends (my friends up here are all pregnant and although I am fine, I am still not fine enough to be laughing around other happy bumps and being the only one able to jump up and watch their ill behaved toddlers), work from home, look after my son at home, exercise and watch tv.  It's a bit shit.  A little kitty would bring a certain warmth and loveliness to our home life, a silliness and fun that we are sorely lacking I think (DB is having the time from hell at work at the moment too, eek) and to come downstairs to see my son and silly kitty would be a pleasure and immediately warm my cold PhD-stressed heart :)  It also means I have to prove that the kitten wasn't a distraction technique and was a good motivator by working a lot!  hehe, win-win methinks. 

So, I am home with Bean today, him all fancy in his new pants (too grown up for nappies as of today it seems!) and just hanging having been busy, busy with cornwall etc, and tonight I shall work until about 10pm.  This will be a Big Thing and will take a lot of teeth gritting and motivation.  Tomorrow I shall look for kittens in the morning, talk about kittens over lunch, and then come back and go for a run and work for a few hours tomorrow afternoon.  I am really going to have to get my head around having no home life for a while :(  No fun and games, no hanging around reading the paper, no watching tv.  Though I hope to get neough work done tonight and tomorrow to warrant the evening off tomorrow to zone out in front of Britain's Got Talent (silly and quite dull but I love it anyway).  Then work again on Sunday when I can.  If it is all going terribly come Monday I shall head to the drs and plead for a sick note, but hopefully I will feel like a Good Student, in control and happier.

x J

haha, I am not alone :)

http://thethesiswhisperer.wordpress.com/2012/05/08/the-valley-of-shit/

this is the best article I have read in ages!  Thanks B for drawing it to my attention.  It is so apt it made me cry (doesn't take much these days).

I am in the valley of shit.  I do think I must be fortunate because I think I have only been here, properly, once (now)...  I have been pissed off before but this PhD depression is profound and, as the post says, stinks, is oppressive, no-one else gets it because they must have faith in me and just think I should just get it finished - how bad can it be?

However, the solution proposed is to just keep on working.  But I can't do this because I have literally 3 weeks to finish my lit review, write my methodology and do my intro and conclusion.  If I had time I would work, I would have worked today, but because the weight of the deadlines is on my shoulders, bitching in my ear, all I can do is hide and procrastinate and feel very frightened.  Every minute that ticks by is anothe rminute closer to an impossible deadline.  I will never make it.

And yet, if I had more time would I use it - or waste it?  I don't want to tell Uni or my Sup about my inability to work because I want it to come to nought... and am embarrassed by it all - by the whining, the lack of positivity, the lack of ability and the lack of gumption.  I don't know if I had time whether I would gently get back into work and up to speed, or whether I would just work brilliantly in a couple of days anyway.  Am I just wallowing and being lazy or am I a bit depressed, seeing what has happened.  I don't want more time, I want it finished.

I think maybe I have to get to an appropriate level of stress and then it will galvanise me.  Only problem is all the work and notes around me all seem like gobbledegook!  like I wrote it all in a state of mania and hyper-alertness and none of it makes any actual sense.  It is like it belongs to a different me.

I shall have to think this evening about whether to go to the GP tomorrow and see what they say.  I expect they will tell me to come home and get on with my life and stop procrastinating.  That would be embarrassing.  I just want two weeks grace to get back into work gently and without the extreme pressure of writing 1,000 excellent (no time to edit) words a day, but my last chapter shows that the pressure does not good work create :(

I wish I was strong and capable!  I wish I just got on with things like a crazy robot person!  DB is fed up of my lack of productivity so this is really the only place I feel I can be myself.  A whiny loser git person.

This isn't like me!  I am whiny yes, but largely positive?  I try and get on, usually?  Fecking doldrums.

Valley of shit indeed.

x J

Really scared!

First off, let me say that I am veeeer tired having been up with Bean all night, again.  He is definitely having a sleep 'issue' that is not just about a disrupted routine or me having been mardy.  i think it is about nightmares.  So i have had to spend this morning working out how to deal with this so we can all start to sleep.

So that has been sorted and my tiredness abated with tea and toast.  Now I need to turn my mind to work.  Oh, work.  What is work?!  I have 'issues' of my own with work that I need to address to actually do it.

Problem:  My confidence after the discussion chapter is still on the floor.  I am embarrassed and troubled by the fact that I genuinely think my being in this position (of completing a PhD) is a terrible mistake.  I am not clever, I am not thoughtful and my ideas are whack.

Solution:  1) You tend to feel this way after some time away from work.  Go back to it for half an hour, start editing the chapter and be pleased that your supervisor has basically re-written it for you!  Write it out, forget about it, move onto the literature review chapter.  2) You are not that bad.  You did two Masters and got distinctions and your supervisor is not a dimwit and recommended you on this course.  Doubt is fine, stultifying self-pity is not.  3) This is not a time for introspective self-reflection, do that after you have finished.  A PhD is rarely winged by anyone - every bugger has to work hard at it.  Yes, HARD WORK.  Now stop whining.

Problem: I don't know how to write a lit review or a methodology chapter.  The thought of it is making me feel ill and frightened.

Solution: Read the other, completed thesis your friend gave you and see how they did theirs.  Do NOT copy but do take note.  And you have written two methodologies before in Masters Dissertations.  And you have started on this one too as I recall.  Just do some writing, it'll be fine, stuff will come to you.  You have at least 4,000 word worth of rabbiting to do about your philosophical direction, and all the notes on this are laid out upstairs in the study.  Fret thee not - or at least fret in the time allocated to the methodology chapter.  This time is for lit review fretting only.

Problem: I am running out of time and am very scared!

Solution: Stop hiding from it.  You know that when you start working it becomes your friend again and you are all happy and confident.  The only time you feel shite is when you are avoiding it, ironically.  You HAVE to finish, so just grit your teeth, drink lots of coffee, do not get distracted by worries about Bean (!) and get the job done, bit by bit :)  Think more about how it will feel when you *do* finish your lit review (happy, excited, elated, proud), rather than how it feels now when you feel you can't (tired, depressed, useless, failing). 

Basically this has to happen or you will spend your WHOLE life feeling like you do now (see above).  And it will always be there and you will always think, 'maybe I should start up my phD again soon' which is just so bloody depressing and awful.  you will know you ducked out.  get it finished, and you will be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee forever and know you did it.

Ok.  better now.  I have to go for a 1.5 mile run now, only titchy, for the last part of sorting my head out, get some positive endorphins going and focus, then eat lunch and I will sit down to work from 1pm.  If i don't go for a run I will just eat junk and smoke a fag and I do NOT want to do that!  Running will keep me focused, less snappy, less stressy, get me fitter and help me not rely on bad food and fags as crutches to get me through this. 

I will do jittery work, I can't pretend I will focus solidly for three hours but it will be work :)

x J

Feeling Better

I had my hospital appt, took all morning, and was sent away with a clean bill of health.  I can't explain how relieved and jubilant I am, I really didn't realise how much the appt was hanging over my head.  I guess i just felt so shit anyway that it merged in with all that.

Anyway, am fine.  Now all I have to do is look after myself generally and focus on work again.  I am not going to work today, although I should, but I feel so pleased about being well for the first time in aaaages and, well, I feel almost positive :)  This is amazing and I want to savour it and use it to get strong and happy again.  Tomorrow I shall work.

I have organised to see my PhD friend on Monday and will probably go and see my best mates, their teeny weans and go to a naff-fabulous eurovision party on the 26th in London.  I was thinking I will hibernate and work, work, work for the next two months but last night I felt so bleak, and hated that work was all I had in my life at the mo.  Going away would give me something to focus on and be motivated for so I think it is a good, necessary idea (I haven't seen them during this whole sorry episode and need my mates!) I feel much better for being sociable and well.

I just hope i feel like this tomorrow too.  Every day is different at the mo, but it is definitely a step in the right direction.

 x J

Erm

I don't know what to do... 

I managed to get Word (OMG £80 later) installed on my computer which I am not kidding took all afternoon!  I also sat in my office to do it, flipped my calendar from March to May, wrote in bits and bobs and started looking at the criticisms of the terrible discussion chapter.  I am very pleased with this effort and see all this as progress seeing as all I did in the morning was avoid it, cry a bit and feel sad.

I decided that I should just have a wee look and i did, and i cried a bit (again) about how awful it all was, at how overwhelming finishing at all felt and references and appendices and all proof read and UGH and sort of thought maybe I could just cry my way through the whole thing but at least hand something in.  then I stopped moping so much ;0)  I didn't actually do any work though!  BUT I feel guilty about that and like I ought to do something about it which is a huge improvement :)

Tomorrow I have a hospital appt (for another health issue - when it rains it pours it seems) which I hope will come to nought and I shall be back to work proper on thursday.  Ah I will work tomorrow night.  I will do the criticisms tomorrow night.

I have no idea how to get back into my lit review but keep telling myself that I have it all planned out.

The problem is that I just don't want to do it any more at all.  But then again, I do want my PhD.  I am very unmotivated and a complete eeyore.  Ask me again tomorrow.

I have seven weeks on friday to finish.

x J

Hmmm Not Quite...

Back yet :)

I am skiving one more day and blaming DB as I don't have Word (free trial ran out) and need to be editing my shite discussion chapter today.  I don't mind at all, am really enjoying mooching about in a productive, healing way, without Bean on my apron strings and cbeebies blathering on because I am too tired to play, and drinks/food to make ;0) 

I am being very physical today, for the first time in a while so take today as getting back into the swing of a full, normal day; sorting out bean, taking him to the childminders (nearly a mile walk away), and am doing his tea and bedtime tonight.  Am still quite tired so will do all that and collapse later; tomorrow will be my back to work day, as really, I am not due back until next week so anything I do is a bonus.

Is all about poking my head back in the door of my study really.  I was in a very different place last time I was working in there and going back feels spooky and wierd!  I will though, tomorrow, with Word (rather important) and some coffee and sit and start working through Sup's scoring outs and scribbles on my chapter.  I shall have to overcome my pride and just deal with it, even if it really hurts and I can barely face it ;0)  I won't work the whole day, just an hour or two to get back into it.  Thursday I will work more again.  I really would like to have the chapter edited and printed to forget about, and a feeling that I know where I am at again in  my work for my return on Tuesday. 

I am off down South to meet my new neice-in-law and go to a wedding (can't WAIT, what fun, fun fun) Thursday night and back Monday night, hopefully tired but mentally refreshed and ready to put this shitty past in the past :)  Only 7 weeks then until I submit!  I can totally work for 7 weeks and just put this to bed.  Even if I get a bad PhD it will be a PhD eh, and the summer - and my future - is all MINE!

x J

Back on Tuesday...

I have managed to re-organise my work deadlines to meet my new submission date of the 30 June, which, I believe was a grand step forward and has put the fear back into me about how much I have to do!

I have decided to come back to work on tuesday, just to get my 'faffing' out of the work for my proper return in two weeks.  I have decided not to try and wangle any more writing-up time but am going to  stick to my old, very pressured deadlines (a chapter in a week anyone?!) and Get It Done!  Think this is a good idea as it will help me move on and anyway, if I have more time I'll probably waste it AND I am sick of my work now - I want to hand it in, even if it is shite! 

I have signed up for a 10k nearby in July too, something to exercise for, and have got my italian guidebooks in the post for our lovely holiday in september :)  I have ALSO got a wedding to go to next weekend that I have got a new dress for and ting.  We are off down South for the bank holiday to visit my new neice-in-law and eat pasties :) 

The future is bright (and hopefully has a doctorate in it somewhere...).

Offski now!

x J

Okay, Okay

I am not a very good PhD role model.  I am tired and sick of doing it.  I don't know if this is representative of a normal student, but I know i am particularly a) reactive to my environment and b) whiny.

I think the fact my colleague got his PhD has totally got my competitive juices flowing, if he has done it I totally can too!  Meh. ;0)

I think because of this, and having time off and putting my deadline back, I have a kind of 'this will *never* end' feeling and I really want it to end :)  I think I need to actually sit and work out my new deadline times and dates and this will bring the end into sharper focus.  At the moment, however, just deciding whether to buy a tin of soup addles my brain and the effort can even bring tears to my eyes in the middle of co-op.  Everyone elses normality just really gets to me. 

BUT I think I am turning a corner.  Even though I am eating crisps in front of This Morning and putting on tons of weight I am a) planning to train for a 10k in July so will have to get my wobbly bottom off the settee soon enough; b) constantly thinking about work; c) bought some healthy lunch today and am going to do a healthy shop; d) managed to post my sick note to uni, with a note; e) have been planning the move down South with DB; and finally, f) have planned a two week holiday to italy starting in Naples and taking in the sights aroundabout (pompeii, amalfi, positano etc) for september time.  I feel like I am starting to look around me a bit more and be a bit more positive.

I am unable, however, to consider sitting down to work or think about how to consider concepts and things, my brain is mashed.  I also still have to actually, physically miscarry as my body is hanging on to this failed pregnancy with ridiculous fervour.  I have a hospital appt on Monday, where i shall jump through some admin hoops and hopefully be allowed to be induced so this will all be over soon.  I don't know whether that process will mark an end to this hideous time or a new beginning so can't really guess at when I will be fit to come back to work without just being a total mopey dope.

DB has been completely terrific and kind and gentle with me through this and I am so much better for it.  I will get better soon! 

Today I will read the paper, watch tv and might have a nap.  I'm not sleeping well and am shattered!

x J