DONE IT!!!

hhahahahhahhaaaaaaaaaaaa

I am printing my first draft; abstract, cover sheet and all :)  Well, I was printing it, the printer has run out of paper so am waiting for DB to get back with some more!  Is going to be quite an impressive tower of paper when it is done!  Is 244 pages and 82000 words... 

hurrah!

Am so excited, when I was formatting the chapters together into one doc I was really shaky; I couldn't believe it!  I can't wait to have it all printed and show it to DB.  We are having a takeaway tonight to celebrate.  It will be thai as this baby makes me crave thai food but DB is so sick of it I can only have it for special now :) 

Will post it tomorrow morning after dropping Beanie off then hopefully will meet with my friend for some coffee and celebration cake at a cute caff down the road...  and then I shall hang about the house being useless!

x J 

Nearly there

I am soooo nearly there, I can sniff the finishing line...

I am just racing through my recommendations for further research, then I need to go abck through the chapter and write in an intro and little intros to the subheadings.  It is not brill, but it is ok for now.

I have realised that to write a good conclusion I would need to go back through all my chapters and write down contentions I make in each one (i make LOADS of points, some big, some small) and bring them together in this chapter.  But this will take AGES and it would be impossible to read through my chapters without editing them (again) which will take ages too.  At least a week!    So I will stick with my glaringly obvious big conclusions for now.  It has taken 6500 words so far so is fine, once the intro is in etc should be over 7000 which is fab for now.

Am darting off hither and thither now, my concentration is waning in the fever of near-completion.  Am only excited about having some time off tho; the draft itself is rubbish now in my eyes, it needs more editing and finessing (is that a word?!) and stuff.  it seems clunky and stupid.  I dread printing it out, I always hate that in case I spot some glaring error and it is too late to change it (can't be bothered at that stage but my heart still sinks!).

Anyway so will get back on with it :)  YAY!

x J

Back and Brighter!

I am glad I didn't work last night, I was just feeling depressed about it all but feel much brighter today.

Having had some space, I feel better and even have a Plan.  Am going through the lit review to check what my main points were and if they need to be addressed in the concl (am hoping I have covered most of them now).  Then if I have anything left to say I will say it, if i don't I won't and won't sweat it.  I sort of released the pressure valve last night by letting myself do a couple of the 'treats' I had planned for when I finish.  As time has gone on these treats have mounted and I have been just so desperate to finish so I can watch that tv programme or start reading that book...  so I watched one of the tv progs last night to help me relax and started one of the books (it was shite) and feel more balanced!  Less like I am working really stressfully in front of a huge cake I can't eat yet!  I still have lots of treats left - main one being being able to sleep and lounge about at will!

For each section of the concl I shall write a sentence, then fill in gaps around it if I can, if I can't again, I won't sweat it.

So I hope this way to get the concl finished today, then tomorrow can be about formatting and printing :)  And posting :) 

Have also forgiven myself for not completing it yet as I have worked so hard, it's not like I have taken time off, and Sup isn't there to mark it till Friday anyway.  Even if it isn't finished I will have it posted tomorrow. 

yay.  so onwards with it!  Oh, and I will go snaffle shopping in about an hour.  Crisps, biscuits and sausage rolls are needed today to see me though - I have completely run out of comfort food :)  Hehe DB offered to clean away all my crap food wrappers under the desk (bless, he has been sleeping in here with a terrible cold as I am up all night being preggo) but I told him he better not dare.  for some reason nothing must be touched until I have sent this off, then I shall tidy up!  I have books in special places on my desk, and even tho I don't need the book any more it really helped me when I did so is like a talisman or mascot!  Everything has a special place and meaning!  Do Not Touch! 

Oh btw am really bloody tired today.  Am ignoring it but oohhhhhhh.  sleeeeepy.  Bean keeps getting up at 6.22am to show me things from his room.  This morning it was his nappies...  wtf.

x J

Taking ages :(

Arses.  I thought this chapter was meant to be easy.  Although I suppose it is considering other chapters take months, not days to write!

I have worked so hard today, stayed focused and applied even when I didn't want to but am still not finished.  I will definitely not be handing in tomorrow :(  Which I am sulking about even though sup told me yesterday he won't be at home to read it until Friday anyway.  Am just so excited about nearly finishing!  I want to read rubbish autobiographies and lounge about!

Anyway, I do know I want to write something legible and attack all the horrid bits I am stuck on before getting it back, as I won't have much time on the other side to be massivley creative.  Am utterly sick of having to dredge up old notes etc to make old points but in a new, conclude-y kinda way!  Am just so tired of it all!

So I am going to leave it tonight as I am jaded and peed off and hungry anyway.  I will sit and be stressy and hopefully tomorrow have renewed vigour with a whole day in front of me to finish this tricky section.  When this section on implications of the findings is done I will be much more free... I think. 

Hmmph.  Annoyed!

x J

Nearly there and flagging

Oh how can this happen?!

I am so nearly there.  I have one tricky, thoughtful section to write left, in the WHOLE PhD and I.  Just.  Can't.  I feel like an unfit marathon runner seeing that final 500 metre stretch and just thinking, oh, no,  I can't do ANY MORE.  But of course you can...  You must!

So I am going to leave the comp for the first time today, properly (had lunch at the laptop again) and have a bath.  I then shall return and start adding text to this 'implications of the research' section which, sadly will need to draw from lots of refs again and I am sick of it.  UG.  I think the 'more speed less haste' cliche may come in here.

I have structured this bit anyway, and started the intros to each subsection so I know what to do.  I just have to do it.  Am going to run away as I am so sick of the whole thing, and try and get some perspective.  the problem is that in my mind this section needs to be about 5000 words, instead of just 1000-1500 odd.  even if it is 700 it is something eh?!  Just the outline for now, so Sup can see what it is about, and I reckon once that starts flowing the rest will follow anyway.

I just wrote the last 1000 words with such speed and, dare i say it, panache that I am gutted to have to go back to slow, ref-filled typing!  I want it FINISHED!

x J

It's taking shape... and time!

Arf.

I have a reasonable 5000 words down; I need to go back though a big section of about 1000 words I have just typed on what the research was about and put in some more theory and scholar names I think.  Then I need to do the bit about the implications, so drawing on my lit review showing what the research shows and what this means in the broader scheme of things.

These are the two biggest scary bits I reckon.  The latter bit I have already written some of.  I hope to havea  fair idea of what that is about and be well into writing it by the time Beanie comes home...  Am just racing through really, not thinking too much but it is all coming out ok atm!  Is a bit of a relief to be splurging out wtf this project is meant to be about! 

So is going well, but, as usual, taking aaaages.  Am pretty proud of it at the mo, and delighted I know what to do next and how to shape it up so that is a huge milestone (and relief).  And I should get the requisite 8000 words ok.

Off for lunch!

x J

What's a conclusion?!

My poor husband.

I have asked him about five times now what a conclusion is; I am suffering from nearly-about-to-hand-in-a-complete-draft stupidity and am so excitable and panicked I really can't remember how to write a conclusion.

Then I get the Fear about writer's block, which obviously would be most inconvenient but is definitely where I am headed atm!

I have had a good brekky, am well rested (tho still completely shattered, might have a lie down this aft) and DB is looking after DS again this morning so I can be still (I am on bedrest by the drs).  So I have decided to work as that keeps me ridiculously sedentary.  I have to say, although I am stressy and there are times when it drives me insane, I don't think I have enjoyed working more.  Tho I think maybe this is because I am reaching a deadline and facing a week off (a WEEK!  what will I do?! :)) because my toes curl in horror at the thought of receiving it back and editing again.  I can already see glaring shite sentences when am scanning though but know that this really isn't the time to be pedantic about the editing.  ug.

Anyway.  I will do some freewriting on a clean sheet I think.  I need to write out what I did this thesis for, what my argument is, which is easy now.  Then I need to show how I have shown this throughout the thesis.  I think that is all for now.  I might just do a super rough draft and leave it with Sup :)  AM super planning to post this bugger tomorrow (uh and am yet to format it.  am excited about getting it into one document but scared about buggering it all up!  and will the refs work?!  eek)

x J


 

bit better

I managed to edit that chuck of chapter earlier then sloped back to bed for the day.

Started work again at about 6 and have managed to get a very basic structure for the conclusion but am not really happy with what to put in it!

I think I might have overegged the analyses in my chapters a bit and have left myself no scraps for the conclusion!  I dunno, I'll put together what I have and see if threads need pulling together more and then might just send it off as is and get some advice, or start pulling stuff from other chapters to put in it!

Sup said it should reflect the intro (which is, obvs, typical for a conclusion) but the intro has the lit review etc which this just wont have.  Although I suppose it addresses the concerns raised in the lit review so maybe i should focus on that.  A mirror image as it were.  Dunno, tbh I have no new creative knowledge to add.  Am keen to try and write something tho as I don't want to feel I chickened out of a hard bit at this late stage!

Will come back tomorrow hopefully well and full of creative enthusiasm :)

x J

Poorly!

I am really poorly today.  A virus I think, am wiped out.

I have to work though.  I only have the conclusion to do, then it is done and I have a week off.

DB looked after Beanie for me this morning so I didn't have to do the 50 min walking round trip to take him to the childminders, and will just sit here and work.  Is ok, am just wiped out.

Will take a quick squizz through that section that needs editiing (4000 words of it!) , work out the threads of the research so I make sur they are referred to throughout the thesis, not just in their special chapters, and then transfer my intro into my concl and start jigging it about!

If it is only rough it doesn't matter, will send it off weds am anyway.  Finish it tomorrow pm :)  I need my week off!  I have novels to read!

x J

Pleasing editing

Yay, after that I have managed to edit the into chapter and I feel soooooo much better.

I feel like I now know what is in it, and thought it is 1500 words too long it doesn't matter at the moment.  I think I have covered all the bases as best as I can for now and the lit review is starting to seem ok.  Am not sure, but it is the best I can do for now!

Tomorrow I have alllll day (aw, will miss my littel man!) and will concentrate on a bit more editing for a couple of hours, and then most of the day will be spent sorting out the conclusion!

I will also do a spider diagram of all the threads of the research, all my little arguments, so I can weave these together neatly in the conclusion.

I am not very good at writing conclusions but I really cannot wait to have it done and then I will have, ahem, finished my first draft!

oh.  em.  gee.

I cannot wait to print it out and see how BIG it all is!  I might have to post it on weds just so I can show to to DB!  Look DB!  My thesis is REAL! :)

Am off to watch x factor and homeland and eat pasta

Today has been a lovely, lovely day.

x J

Back for more

I am back for mor editing before tomorrow as I only have tomorrow and tuesday to finish it and don't want to be editing old stuff during that time really.

I will work until 8.30 so I have about two hours...  I hope it is enough!  Actually Sup says he is away until the 22nd so I could send it on weds, the 21st, as otherwise it will just be sitting in the sorting office and I will be sitting at home knitting when I could be working on it!  Might as well use the time...


Anyway.  Am miffed as I opened the intro just to see the lit review secetions subheadings as I have forgotton them (!) and the beginning is a big mess.  This is fair enough as I have yet to edit it but I didn't realise how utterly SICK of seeing my work I am!  How i will feel when I get the first draft back I don't know (sick, sick, sick!).  At least the viva will hopefully herald the end...  what if I have corrections?!  Eek!

Anyway.  I feel abit better having reminded myself that this chapter isn't completed really and will get on with sorting out the intro to the intro :)  Apparently it is the the single most important part of the thesis and sets the whole tone for the how the examiner will see your work.  Eek, no pressure then...

x J

 

All done

I now have a rough draft of my introduction.

It is about 1000 words too long still, but I would rather have too many than too few words in it at the mo, I can always cut stuff out!  It has the point of my thesis, what I am NOT studying, the lit review, the methodology and chapter outline.

I am off downstairs now for a cup of coffee, some toast and to spend the day for the first time in weeks with my little boy :)  wea re going to go and do a big shop, have some lunch out and then come home and make some rocky road :)

I won't work again today I doubt as am actually sick of this laptop!  Will do a couple of hours tomorrow evening though to tidy up a 4000 word chunk I drafted into a chapter yesterday that I think floats around with little explanation of what it is there for! 

x J

working!

hehe.  Bean woke me up at 6.45 and though DB came and got him to take downstairs, but I am not having a lie in I am working in bed!

There are some parts of the intro that I want to tidy up and it is bugging me that they are not done!  So am doing them while I can :)

Feel much more refreshed for a night watching a film, a curry and a good sleep!

Really want to have it so I can come to it on Monday and only have the concl to sort.  Feels in a bit of a pickle still as I know some hefty bits need editing again after the shuffle round of sections!

x J

Might actually collapse

Right then.

I have worked all bloody day (10 hours, even had lunch here) and I am now hungry so guess, once I have gone and eaten and things, I might as well call it a day.  I cannot work any more, and actually, I don't need to.

I have my 80,000 words. I would put an exclamation mark or show joy but I am too tired.   I don't know how I did this but copy and pasting seemed to do the trick.  Or I added up wrong and obviously i still have 71,000 words. 

I also have an intro of sorts; it has structure and all the parts are there but the lit review is still too long.  However, it should refer to my research often like a good lit review.  I have said why I am doing my work in India (am not completely sure, I think I just fancied going there and had to make some guff up) and methods etc.

I need to edit and read through this introduction, and it needs about 1000 words trimming off it, which is very reasonable. 

I shall NOT do any work tomorrow as it needs time to 'bed-in' so my brain works out what i have left out, what I have spraffed on about too much and what is completely ridiculous.  I will then come back on Sunday eventime to kick off the editing.  Monday I will edit and start turning it into a conclusion.

I will not read through the whole draft of the thesis before sending it off as that would take forever, and in no way would it be a skim read.  It needs going through with a fine tooth comb but first I would like sup to see it and tell me how crap it all is (see discussion chapter debacle for why not to finesse work you are unsure about).

So.  I have to write a quick sentence or two about why I am not looking at certain things and then I am OFF!  oh, and to re-organise my chapter outline so it is actually representative of my chapters.  ah fuck it, might just begger off!

Really very happy in a subdued, 'fuck me' kind of way :)  maybe like a bad runner after a marathon?!

x J

Pickled Brain

Writing my intro is pickling my brain.

It is a horrible nightmare, and I have no schnaffles to see me through.  I don't even have any bread to make toast!  UG.  I really want to 'get it done', even roughly, but it is like wading through a swamp.  I have to sort out my intros to the sections, edit the lit review, constantly revise what the chuff is in my lit review - and, hideously, what isn't...  I have got a new section to put in, and I think that some of what I carved up and spread about the thesis yesterday ought to go in here first.  Sometimes, until you are reading it from start to finish, you don't know how you state things that are then elucidated much later on - so obviously the arguments need to swap around.  This is a massive head fuck.

So.  I am nearing the screaming-in-the-shower stage but hope that hard work today with the knowledge I am having tomorrow bloody OFF to read the paper and take Beanie swimming will make it ok.  I have to know that every knot I meet is another to untangle and finally I WILL get there.

Is a big knot.

Oh well, I have today, some of sunday (an hour or two to keep my hand in) and all of mon and tues to sort it out, this should be fine.

There is no WAY that I will be sending sup a 'polished' draft as I hoped.  It will NOT have had a single proper read through; I can't face it yet until I know whether the sum of its parts are tolerable.  And don't get me started on the conclusion, that needs completely reworking with New Words.  Oooooh noooooooooooooooooo :(

Am not a happy bunny and am definitely starting to realise why people who have done their PhDs wince when you say you are at this stage!

x J

So bored

Ok I am getting really bored of this now.

Really, really bored.  Bored of saying the same things again and again!  which is a really good sign but arg, I have no interest in writing any more info.  It is so boring!

Still bloody looking through the discussion chapter.  Is taking me ages to wade through the repetitive shite.

x J

Up and At 'Em

Up at 6.30 (c/o Bean), out of bed at 7.15, working by 7.45.

I have got my discussion chapter up and am reading through it, which is really tricky as I seem to have written it with marbles in my mouth and no real direction [blush].  I will read through, see what i want to keep for the conclusion and take out what I can for other chapters and bulk up my word count. 

I am hoping to have this done by 11ish, then will spend the rest of the day on the introduction.  This is written but needs tweaking and bits adding which I know all about from my meeting with sup.  Even if it is rough, it is done and I can have my weekend.

Off for breakfast from DB now.  aw, am glad we are cool about me working now!  Makes it all so much easier.

x J

Just keep Going

As Mimi kindly pointed out on her comment, when you are in hell, you just keep going!

Which is just what I did.  I put Bean in the bath and worked (in the bathroom of course!) while he splashed around for half an hour.  Got into editing the new parts of the already edited chapter (grr) and then DB came home and (kindly) took over so I have been working since.

Am not beest keen on that chapter now, i feel like it doesn't actually say anything, is repetitive and written really badly!  Which probably means it is time to leave it the hell alone!  I must remember that I am still in first draft virgin writing territory, editing is for LATER.

I have however...  drum roll please...  got to 75000 words :)

HURRAY and fuck yeah.

I still have hopefully about 3000 words to put in from my shite discussion chapter, which I will do tomorrow, and an intro to write.  For now though I am going to make some pasta and watch junior apprentice :)  And laugh in the face of their youthful arrogance, because I am a cow :)

I will send this off to Sup on tuesday.  I will, I will.

x J

Shit day

How such a lovely planned day could be a shit one I don't know, but it has been!

I went to my appt and had a HUGE row with DB about working over the weekend and turned into a 'you don't care about my career' (him) bla bla argument which I really resent seeing as I am ONLY working super hard *right now*.  Is complicated and tedious but generally it seems my PhD is becoming the Other Person in our relationship.  It bugs the shit out of me because I literally only have a few days left of this really hard work and instead of support I am being bollocked which is ridiculously unhelpful.

I dunno, because I am doing the work I get how hard it is.  But if you aren't doing a PhD I guess it must just seem like a really selfish waste of time.

Anyway, this put me in a really shitty mood.  Then I cried all over the dr at the appt about my miscarriages and worry for this baby, then came home and tried to work!

I did manage to work; I took the lit from an old chapter and stuck it into one of my contentions chapters which is good, but I do now have to go through it and make sure it makes sense and contributes to the chapter.  am sure i saw some shit in there too that needs tidying up, which is disappointing as I have already edited this chapter...  I need to be aware of overworking it though and getting all perfectionist and never handing it in!

I can't work now, am looking after beanio but when he is bathed and bedded I will sort out that chapter until 8pm then I shall watch tv and try to relax before tomorrow.  Then tomorrow DB is looking after bean and i basically have to get as much done as I can before the weekend as I have been told I am not likely to have any time to work then as he needs to work.  grrr.  I will work in the evenings when he is doing Bean's bedtime and really try and relax in the day.  I don't know how I will do that, am quite a shite half-assed parent at the mo as I am so distracted with work. I just want it done!

x J

Copy and Pastin'

So I went through my word count last night and somehow I seem to STILL have only 71000 words...

AAARRRRRGGG!  however much I write, a few thou here, a few more thou there, I ONLY get to 71000 words!  Oh to break that barrier.  Oh to get to 78000...

So I have half an hour now to start copy and psting chunks from old chapters into my new ones.  Today is a nice, chilled day.  Lots of coffee breaks, a hosp appt, maybe a sausage roll for lunch and lots of copy and pasting this aft.  No horrible hardcore editing/re-writing/re-structuring today.  I hope to copy and paste in about 5000 words though ideally i would find about 7000.  I don't think I will!  I do need to go through my empirical chapters again though and ground in the analysis in my research and the lit review; I haven't done that yet, this will probably add a thousand or so more words.  I won't have time to do that today though.

I hope DB has tomorrow off; that will be another nose to the grindstone day, writing the intro (well, editing and adding bits).  Then I only have the conclusion to do, though as another PhDer said, it might be best to laeve the concl apart from very rough until I have had some feedback about the thesis and go ahead for my arguments?!  Or is that me being lazy?!  Maybe a bit of both but it does make sense.  Can't bear the idea of working hard on another lit review/discussion/methodology style chapter that *doesn't need to be written/is written wrong*.

Anyway, better get on.  Am quite excited!  By the end of today I hope to have an idea of my word count and have the main body of the thesis complete.  Must be ruthless, add what I ened and not be afraid to mess with the edited loveliness I have created over the past few days!

x J