Trying to relax

And not doing very well!

Am feeling better for being sat back at my laptop!  Is so weird after so long working and worrying to all of a sudden have time off.  When a programme I was watching just finished my first thought was 'right!  back to it!' but then of course...  I am off!  Am still nervy and anxious - I can't read, for example, because my brain is still hopping with work thoughts!

And then I think, well, maybe I could do some work?!  But I think this would be bad because a) I need to rest; b) My brain needs time to distance itself from work so I can come back it objectively and; c) what would I do?!  I have my prelims and appendices and can probably sort out my refs as I am not sure they are all there.  But really, is not much I can do constructively until I get my draft back and then all hell will break loose.  Am so nervous about getting it back and having to re-write, re-write.

Am also in that post exam stage where you have the initial euphoria of having done the bloody thing and then pretty quickly doubt about your success sets in... so am sort of nervously twiddling my thumbs.

But still, I have to be pleased as I have reached milestone no. 1 of submission: completing the first draft.  Next is Actual Submission; followed by the viva.

If I am this jumpy about getting the first draft back how on earth will I cope with a viva?!  That is another thing, I am already starting to mentally gird myself for the next steps and it is nervewracking! 

Am just a bit of a stresshead, in a couple of days I will have relaxed and be happily pottering :)

x J 

DONE IT!!!

hhahahahhahhaaaaaaaaaaaa

I am printing my first draft; abstract, cover sheet and all :)  Well, I was printing it, the printer has run out of paper so am waiting for DB to get back with some more!  Is going to be quite an impressive tower of paper when it is done!  Is 244 pages and 82000 words... 

hurrah!

Am so excited, when I was formatting the chapters together into one doc I was really shaky; I couldn't believe it!  I can't wait to have it all printed and show it to DB.  We are having a takeaway tonight to celebrate.  It will be thai as this baby makes me crave thai food but DB is so sick of it I can only have it for special now :) 

Will post it tomorrow morning after dropping Beanie off then hopefully will meet with my friend for some coffee and celebration cake at a cute caff down the road...  and then I shall hang about the house being useless!

x J 

Nearly there

I am soooo nearly there, I can sniff the finishing line...

I am just racing through my recommendations for further research, then I need to go abck through the chapter and write in an intro and little intros to the subheadings.  It is not brill, but it is ok for now.

I have realised that to write a good conclusion I would need to go back through all my chapters and write down contentions I make in each one (i make LOADS of points, some big, some small) and bring them together in this chapter.  But this will take AGES and it would be impossible to read through my chapters without editing them (again) which will take ages too.  At least a week!    So I will stick with my glaringly obvious big conclusions for now.  It has taken 6500 words so far so is fine, once the intro is in etc should be over 7000 which is fab for now.

Am darting off hither and thither now, my concentration is waning in the fever of near-completion.  Am only excited about having some time off tho; the draft itself is rubbish now in my eyes, it needs more editing and finessing (is that a word?!) and stuff.  it seems clunky and stupid.  I dread printing it out, I always hate that in case I spot some glaring error and it is too late to change it (can't be bothered at that stage but my heart still sinks!).

Anyway so will get back on with it :)  YAY!

x J

Back and Brighter!

I am glad I didn't work last night, I was just feeling depressed about it all but feel much brighter today.

Having had some space, I feel better and even have a Plan.  Am going through the lit review to check what my main points were and if they need to be addressed in the concl (am hoping I have covered most of them now).  Then if I have anything left to say I will say it, if i don't I won't and won't sweat it.  I sort of released the pressure valve last night by letting myself do a couple of the 'treats' I had planned for when I finish.  As time has gone on these treats have mounted and I have been just so desperate to finish so I can watch that tv programme or start reading that book...  so I watched one of the tv progs last night to help me relax and started one of the books (it was shite) and feel more balanced!  Less like I am working really stressfully in front of a huge cake I can't eat yet!  I still have lots of treats left - main one being being able to sleep and lounge about at will!

For each section of the concl I shall write a sentence, then fill in gaps around it if I can, if I can't again, I won't sweat it.

So I hope this way to get the concl finished today, then tomorrow can be about formatting and printing :)  And posting :) 

Have also forgiven myself for not completing it yet as I have worked so hard, it's not like I have taken time off, and Sup isn't there to mark it till Friday anyway.  Even if it isn't finished I will have it posted tomorrow. 

yay.  so onwards with it!  Oh, and I will go snaffle shopping in about an hour.  Crisps, biscuits and sausage rolls are needed today to see me though - I have completely run out of comfort food :)  Hehe DB offered to clean away all my crap food wrappers under the desk (bless, he has been sleeping in here with a terrible cold as I am up all night being preggo) but I told him he better not dare.  for some reason nothing must be touched until I have sent this off, then I shall tidy up!  I have books in special places on my desk, and even tho I don't need the book any more it really helped me when I did so is like a talisman or mascot!  Everything has a special place and meaning!  Do Not Touch! 

Oh btw am really bloody tired today.  Am ignoring it but oohhhhhhh.  sleeeeepy.  Bean keeps getting up at 6.22am to show me things from his room.  This morning it was his nappies...  wtf.

x J

Taking ages :(

Arses.  I thought this chapter was meant to be easy.  Although I suppose it is considering other chapters take months, not days to write!

I have worked so hard today, stayed focused and applied even when I didn't want to but am still not finished.  I will definitely not be handing in tomorrow :(  Which I am sulking about even though sup told me yesterday he won't be at home to read it until Friday anyway.  Am just so excited about nearly finishing!  I want to read rubbish autobiographies and lounge about!

Anyway, I do know I want to write something legible and attack all the horrid bits I am stuck on before getting it back, as I won't have much time on the other side to be massivley creative.  Am utterly sick of having to dredge up old notes etc to make old points but in a new, conclude-y kinda way!  Am just so tired of it all!

So I am going to leave it tonight as I am jaded and peed off and hungry anyway.  I will sit and be stressy and hopefully tomorrow have renewed vigour with a whole day in front of me to finish this tricky section.  When this section on implications of the findings is done I will be much more free... I think. 

Hmmph.  Annoyed!

x J

Nearly there and flagging

Oh how can this happen?!

I am so nearly there.  I have one tricky, thoughtful section to write left, in the WHOLE PhD and I.  Just.  Can't.  I feel like an unfit marathon runner seeing that final 500 metre stretch and just thinking, oh, no,  I can't do ANY MORE.  But of course you can...  You must!

So I am going to leave the comp for the first time today, properly (had lunch at the laptop again) and have a bath.  I then shall return and start adding text to this 'implications of the research' section which, sadly will need to draw from lots of refs again and I am sick of it.  UG.  I think the 'more speed less haste' cliche may come in here.

I have structured this bit anyway, and started the intros to each subsection so I know what to do.  I just have to do it.  Am going to run away as I am so sick of the whole thing, and try and get some perspective.  the problem is that in my mind this section needs to be about 5000 words, instead of just 1000-1500 odd.  even if it is 700 it is something eh?!  Just the outline for now, so Sup can see what it is about, and I reckon once that starts flowing the rest will follow anyway.

I just wrote the last 1000 words with such speed and, dare i say it, panache that I am gutted to have to go back to slow, ref-filled typing!  I want it FINISHED!

x J

It's taking shape... and time!

Arf.

I have a reasonable 5000 words down; I need to go back though a big section of about 1000 words I have just typed on what the research was about and put in some more theory and scholar names I think.  Then I need to do the bit about the implications, so drawing on my lit review showing what the research shows and what this means in the broader scheme of things.

These are the two biggest scary bits I reckon.  The latter bit I have already written some of.  I hope to havea  fair idea of what that is about and be well into writing it by the time Beanie comes home...  Am just racing through really, not thinking too much but it is all coming out ok atm!  Is a bit of a relief to be splurging out wtf this project is meant to be about! 

So is going well, but, as usual, taking aaaages.  Am pretty proud of it at the mo, and delighted I know what to do next and how to shape it up so that is a huge milestone (and relief).  And I should get the requisite 8000 words ok.

Off for lunch!

x J