Back to work... hmmm not quite!

Well today is my official back to work date :0( BUT I decided to wait until Monday and start a) at the beginning of a week instead of the middle and b) when I know all the schools are back. It is comforting thinking that it is the end of the holidays for millions of people, and for my friends too (who are all teachers, bizarrely).

I am dreading coming back, I make no bones about it. Dreading it. How can I concentrate on anything other than my baby? My brain is completely feral, used to thinking about everything and nothing, picking up thoughts and dropping them on a whim. I am used to moving around a lot, cooking and baking and going out for coffee and chats and babygroups. I am used to being in company constantly! How will I cope being in a room on my own, away from my baby, having to read long books and words and, UG, *remember* stuff?! How am I supposed to think about international development issues when I am so focussed inwards towards my family? I wonder if it will change how I see my work, being more empathetic and understanding of the horror and fear of losing a child? This could be interesting. In many ways I feel alienated, remote, from my work now. My work is my child. I will be interested, and am desperately hoping, to find out that I do still love my work and care. I wonder if I am just daunted as all hell about getting back into it and cannot possibly do it. I also realise that I feel like it was a different person who did that work, and if you think about it I have changed profoundly since I last sat at my desk! I have become a Mum, to a child that is now nearly 9 months old. This is huge isn't it really, I shouldn't underestimate how that would make me feel. I am dreading getting all my stuff out - remembering at the same time how excited and relieved I was to be putting it away last December. So much happiness and so much to look forward to. I can honestly say that the last ten months have been the happiest of my life. Absolutely. And now it is all finishing. I have to work, I cannot just moon about with my baby, baking bread and going for walks on a whim. I have to hand over his care to someone else. (Well, actually me and DB are sharing his childcare so this really isn 't that dramatic but still, I am used to being his Mum! There all the time!)

My Sup has been in contact for a meeting, which is brilliant. He lives down south now so is great that he is up just as I go back to work. This will help focus my mind next week as I haveour meeting to prepare for, and he will bring me back to earth and am sure he will give me a deadline of some sort. It will be horrible, I know this because he knows that being a Mum means I will be that bit less disciplined (because Bean will come first). Seeing him will totally make me feel I am back to work too, which will be sad but also be very important in bringing together my pre and post baby selves. It is so odd though, how I get an email from him saying let's meet and I panic about when? How? With the baby - who will look after him? Because DB and I have to arrange between us when we are free and when we are working so I can't just swan off - I never can. It will be spooky going to uni, getting the train and going into the city and up to Uni, all on my own! Ug, I don't like it. I am never on my own and so rarely without my baby!

I know I am going on about bubs. But he is my life at the moment. I look forward to gaining a balance, where he is still my life but I am comfortable for something else to inhabite my thoughts and demand my attention too - knowing that there is room for more than just Bean.

I have so much growing up to do! I am such a wean in all of this. I look forward to sharing my journey :0)

x J