Procrastinating

I am skiving.

I am irritated that my son is not dressed yet and that DB is hanging out with his laptop and ignoring him.  However, I also know it is saturday morning, that DB works 12 hour days and just wants some chill time to do his fantasy footy stuff before cooking us all lunch, and that Bean has been manically busy with the childminder and could do with some family down time.

So I can only deduce that my actual source of irritation is the fact I am dreading doing my work and am frustrated by how much I have to do in such a small timeframe (which isn't even my fault)... and so I, very rationally, decided to get miffed about What Is Not Happening Downstairs instead :)  Pure procrastination and displaced anger.  Twonk.

SOOOOOO instead I will do some work!

Right now, will do ten minutes and get the ball rolling...

ARF I don't want to!  Wish me luck!

x J

Most Pleased

It is nearly time to pack up again...

And I have to say I am really pleased with myself today!

I really struggled this morning, it was so tricky trying to work through the worries I had about how to do these chapters but I stuck at it and didn't get cross with the fact I spent most of it staring into space (thinking space you see :)).

Then I decided I just had to get on with the chapter I had already decided to write and it was such hard going!  Getting into writing a new chapter is the hardest, hardest thing I think about working.  It is so tricky, especially when you have been editing which is MUCH nicer and far more satisfying.  Working out how to write again and stick at it is very challenging.  But I did!  And now I have written about 700 words! 

I don't really know what I am blethering on about but it must be something ok or i wouldn't bother and I am adding quotes from stuff.  At the mo i am working around old writing - one paragraph has turned into 500 words as I flesh it out, which i think is a good thing that needed to be done.  I think I over-edited and it is quite a skeleton on info now.  Wish i could find the old, fleshy draft!

Anyways, just wanted to say I was in a dip but I got out of it - in a day!  what progress!  Am most pleased - even though I still have so much to do I have done the best I can for today and that is all that can be asked for, I think.

Back tomorrow.  (Ug.)

x J

Back to old plan :)

Yes, it has been one of those days.

Where to make sure the path you first chose was right you have to faff and try other ones and then just go back to the first.

Am delighted as it means I only have 4000 words to find (have written 500 today) instead of three chapters to organise but crushed as I remember that normally when writing I am happy with 500 words a day - but I only have until tomorrow apparently to do this!  This is not going to happen.  Not because of a lack of will but simply because writing takes time, finding notes takes time, and even what I will chuffing put in this bit will take time.  500 words is a very reasonable goal and to think it is not is foolhardy and only liable to send stress levels through the roof.

I think I am just going to have to aim for 500 words a day, but at least get it done even if it takes a week.  Then I will work on the other chapter(s) I have to do :( and finally, the rest of the stuff I need to do to get my first draft done.  It is looking worryingly tight (over) the deadline, how I will submit for the 17th I don't know!

All I can do is plod on, and like Sup says if I don't hand it in on time they can't kick me out or not accept the thesis.  If they aren't open to accept it, what can I do?! 

oh dear. 

x J

Oh shit, all change

So I thought to myself last night that maybe it would be a good idea if I re-read my other empirical chapter - the one I wrote so well Sup said after the first draft that I needn't look at it again as it is already PhD worthy...  so I never looked at it again...

well I did look at it last night and realised that lots of it was actually what I wanted to write in the 'new' chapter...  Oh dear.  And I also realised that if I am doing another chapter then it might be necessary to carve that lovely chapter up too :(  So I realised a) this chapter will not be lovely any more, but will need to change too; and b) I have three chapters to rewrite, not one as I hoped.  I have to have all this done for Tuesday.  Tuesday!  OMG I don't think so.  In normal life it would take me a good month to do all this work. 

And at the same time I decided to have a wee look at facebook and all it is full of are friends, my friends, all arranging to meet each other over xmas.  Yay what a fun time we shall have, meeting and making merry!  But not me.  Oh no, not me.  I am not even INCLUDED because everyone knows (I am a gobshite, as we well know from the fact i have an actual blog for my PhD) I am doing my PhD until Jan and will not be coming out to play ever again. :(  Oh, the sadness. 

Anyway, back to work.  It is ok because I am not panicking.  I am actually in a state of calm resignation about it all.  In fact, I think at the mo until I see what kind of a mess I am actually in I can only hope for the best.  So my job this morning is to carve up the *two* empirical chapters I have done (under new names, am not actually going to get rid of the original work of course) as I think I have made three themes out of what I say in them both, and make three chapters out of them.  Hopefully this way I will be able to add to these themes in a coherent way, rather than sort of mumbling away.  Padding is probably not that acceptable at PhD level!

I am also wondering if I will need to put Beanie into childcare for four days a week asap.  He has had that this week and although it is tiring organising his life and my worklife, the thought of having that bit more time to work before the weekend seems very alluring.  Then I wouldn't be such a monster of stress on saturday morning.  he might not like it though.  But it is only for 6 weeks...  arf, who knows.  i don't even know if the childminder works friday or monday!  or if we can afford it!

Right, am off to hash up my chapters now.  I really hope I can make three strong themes out of them and have something to work on!  Am so sad actually I am doing this today, and not writing!  It better be a good idea!

x J

 

Flailing around - normal service resumed

Arf I am stressed again and doing my usual thing of putting my head firmly in the sand!

I have heard from Uni and I will have to hand in my work on the 17th dec for binding as the final date I can hand in to them before the 31 dec is the 20 dec.

Now, this is not fair and my Sup is on the case, but he is saying I should be able to get it bound somewhere else and hand in on the 31st (if someone is there).  However, for me this will mean spending xmas rushing around the city near where i live trying to find someone reputable to bind it, and being very worried if they do a shite job.  It also means trying to do this over xmas, and even though the area I live in is very muslim and so not many peeps will be off for religious reasons, bank holidays do still apply.

The thought of running about town when I could be at home with my family eating chocolate does not appeal.  Nor does checking references on xmas day.  having it done for xmas is really motivating me.  Even though I am cross I have had my time cut down, actually maybe it is a gift and says 'right missus!  Get on with it - final slog now, just get it done.  Work night and day for the end is in sight!'.  I do feel I can do it...  Handing it in with time to relax and make paper chains with Bean would be delicious. 

My principal concern is the fact Sup is so keen to have my time extended, even though I have said to him maybe I don't mind handing in early anyway.  I am interpreting this as worry on his part I won't be able to do anything decent in the time I have left.  This worry (possibly imagined) is making me fret and giving me writer's block.  Or editors block as am editing not writing right now :)

However, I have also reached a sticky point with my work and have to find a few thousand words for this chapter as I have NONE in my old files that I can use.  Boo.  Now I have cut it up this section does look pretty meagre and like it could do with beefing up, which is good, but I do not want to do it ;0)  Maybe I am flapping instead of working.

Anyway.  whatever happens I must work, and I must work now!  I only have 30 mins before I have to go and get Bean and I am very tense because I loathe, loathe, loathe picking him up when I am distracted and fretting about work.  I am a terrible mum in this state, I am not cuddly, I am tense and I keep sloping off to have private chats with myself when he wants me to talk to him and be silly.  I do not feel silly.  Arf.

If I could I would just work and work and work.  And not get much done in this mood probably, but feel productive simply by being 'available'.  Not that I am dissing time spent with my son - doing both, but well, would be super :)  Unfortunately I am doing bath and bed time tonight as DH is out so eek!  Will probably try and sit down for a bit after bean is asleep. 

In fact, I am sure having some time away for a walk and to play with Beanie will help clear my brain and get me ready for some more work later (even if it is only 30 mins), and tomorrow.  I still have all day tomorrow.  It'll be ok.  I'll organise stuff now, look for useful info etc.  Then I might relax... 

Scared brain.

 x J

Ah good news :)

So having separated by chapter into two I can now see what I need to work on... 

And pleasingly one chapter has 6000 words in it already.  With some more analysis, necessary references to theory, and an intro and concl this should come to the requisite 8000 words.  Shouldn't take me more than a day or two (depending on how easily the theory analyses come to me!).  The other chapter I only have about 3000 words for so will need to find another 5000 for that - eek.  This is worrying but at least this is only the situation for this chapter and not both of them! 

Have still to look through old drafts to see what waffle info I can copy and paste over, and the 'discussion' chapter too, and then will know what I have to work with. 

Am pleased and concerned all at the same time.  But it isn't a nightmare, and I am thankful for that.

I am going to get some lunch, laters!

x J

ps I asked my sup about self-quoting to avoid self plagiarising and he wasn't at all bothered, thought I was being overly worried about it.  So if you do want to quote old work from a thesis/module essays it really shouldn't be a problem.  Felt like a right prat having my MA thesis from 10 years ago in my refs like I am Mr Big! :)

Back and Raring To Go!

Am so glad I had yesterday off, I feel all ready for action today :)

This morning I am going to go through all my old drafts (are lots!) and 'holding pens' of info that I edited out of my empirical chapters over the months working on them.  (If I have info that I have to edit out but quite like and might want to use somewhere else I keep it on a doc I call the 'holding pen'.  Is very useful for coming back to later, like now!)  I will take out any info I have in them that didn't make the final edit but that might be useful now and add them to my newly revised chapter.  Then hopefully by lunchtime I should have an idea of how many words I need to write anew. 

I will then have to work out the new structure of my chpaters.  I have dug out all my research notes, interview transcripts, fieldwork diaries and docs and will use them for the new material. 

Then I shall need to write.

According to my plan I want to have this done by Tuesday...  Eek!

x J