Tired -again.

I am always tired these days.

So, we had some cider and forwent the fish and chips for some wine instead. And some home cooked pasta. And I slept very well! Today I am looking forward to getting into some more methodology reading, with coffee and the radio. A chilled out day...

I just realised I have the docs tomorrow for my rabies and japanese encephalitus vaccine prescriptions. I wonder if I should mention my stitch-pains. I dunno, it's probably stress. I am an annoying creature (to myself) who gets aches and pains when I am stressed. DB nags me to see the GP, which I do, they look puzzled and say they want to do tests, I feel alarmed and a week later all the pains will generally have gone. When I finished my MA the funniest thing happened. I was working at the local council and kept getting jelly-legs out of nowhere and would have to sit down. I would get sweaty and hot and just feel so freaky. I think maybe they were mild panic attacks or just psychosomative illness because I was actually very worried about my future and being a customer service clerk in Devon for the rest of my life. I didn't know that though, I had to work it out and then I could deal with it (do a PhD). (I don't know what planet you have to be on to consider doing a PhD as an antidote to stress?!) Similarly, last chrimbo I got really bad tummy cramps for no reason and thought I was pregnant, but that was down to stress too. This would make sense for me because I don't feel stressed when I am stressed... Which is marvellous because I just carry on working whatever. But when my life starts to calm down, or maybe isn't calming down, my body starts to let me know that I need to take a chill pill somewhere. So I think that is happening now because I feel sick and tired and achy. But the irritating thing is that it is easier said that done. I don't know I am stressed so what part of me should be addressed? Is it my working hours? Is it just tiredness? Is it TN I am worried about?! I don't really know!! Aren't I silly. DB did say yesterday that aren't I supposed to take a wee bit of time off after I finish a chapter, it being such a big deal and so hard. I agree that in normal life I would hang up my PhD boots for a week to get some distance and to relax. But the methodology isn't too demanding yet and also, I would rather have the two weeks off when we first get to TN... (although it there ever going to be a time in TN when I am not working in some way?! The whole region is my research! I am doing a form of ethnographic study - there isn't much that will be able to escape observation and analysis?!!) Well, it will be nice anyway. And if I have no methodology... I will be grasping data from every single source I can, hoping to land on something useful. And I just don't want to have to sift through tonnes of useless data when I get back. So, I want to know what I am 'looking' for and come back with a more concise and useful set of notes and stuff. So there.

I am supposed to be busy networking with a big cheese at SOAS today but am not really in the mood. I need to send him a summary of my work so he can help me in any way, and have been invited to go and see him too, which my Sup is pleased about. I am not. I HATE networking and am pretty shy (no one believes this because I am very loud and outgoing in real life, but actually very shy too!). So I think I shall put that visit off until I am back from TN as a new, invigorated and confident researcher-person...

Today then, I shall email this bigwig-man. Or maybe I shall do it tomorrow. He emailed me last night in response to my email and I don't want to seem rude. But then, I could be out of the office all day anyway. I do want to come across well and fear that I may not do so today. Trying to summarise one's work is very demanding and I would like to get it right.

Visa man needs to be rung *again*. He is very nice but I think he has wiped our details and so there is no record any more of our payment and he is in trouble. And possibly avoiding us. I hate the phone, I hate badgering, I hate all of THIS!

I just want to get on with my methodology.

I was meant to go swimming today but think instead I shall keep my clothes firmly *on*. Instead I shall work today and go to the gym/pool after the docs tomorrow am.

Hokey cokey! I have managed to sound very busy when in fact all I am going to do is peruse my old lecture notes and listen to the radio...

Ta-ta!

x J