Home sweet home!

Ah I am home now! I would have blogged before but wow my computer was so poor at the internet cafe - the keys would all stick and the writing was so small and blurry I couldn't tell what on earth I was writing...

SO let me think... I was pretty worried about my RA and if the work was going to come off... well the two of them managed to go off and complete three more villages for me so in total I got half of the total villages covered I originally wanted but still about 100 respondants because lots of people would go to the groups! I have the original notes from the interviews in English, I have the recordings and I have cassette back-up for them, and I have photos of the interviews! So all in all, absolutely brilliant. I have also paid Kuna in advance to type up each interview properly, as dialogue for me which he will do over the next two weeks. I feel bad for ever doubting them, but put that down to the control freak in me... they did a marvellous job am unbelieveably lucky.

Was so pleased, we had our last meeting yesterday at lunchtime, and DB and I were due to leave at 4.30pm. Was so incredibly stressed and worried and nervous but all went well, they filled in their time sheets (which were somewhat on the generours side - claiming it took 1 hour to travel to an interview 3km from the main town and that I went on too! It didn't take an hour!) but anyway, was so great they did it for me and so well I didn't care too much, is fine.

Am not working now until Monday when I will read through the notes and the questionnaires I got back and start to piece together an idea of the 'Indian voice' and take it from there... AM very excited about this, but also nervous about what is going to be brought up - if it fits into my PhD ideas as they are at the mo or totally turns my ideas on their head, which is a bit iffy when I have a journal paper deadline in 6 weeks!

Interestingly I have also had a request to present as part of a panel at a very prestigious international conference in the UK this year, which is fantastic - they have even listed how I can get funding if necessary to get there and what to write about as goes my topic! I am so flattered, just so flattered. That anyone thinks my research is remotely of interest and contemporary is brilliant because of late, quite honestly, I have been thinking it is a pile of old-hat, two-bit nonsense and thinking I should change it to get more modern. I do need to tweak it but... ANYWAY, the main point IS, that this conference is on the 19 Dec - I will be 8.5 months pregnant and ready to drop any day!! Oh my word. I just don't know if I can do it?! I will be massive, so pregnant, my brain will be mush and all about the baby and nothing else - let alone presenting at a massive conference - the biggest career move of my working life so far and a terrific compliment to the other international conference I am presenting at in October... And writing a paper at that stage?! Eek!! *But* how proud would I be if I do it? And how much will it help me get published, get a job, get a book on the go? Get people hearing my ideas and maybe even wanting to talk about them to me? This is a real buzz and has got me back in the IR fold (temporarily, am still dead against being a permanent academic, but is pretty exciting stuff!) as well as got me confident and excited about my own research again. Well, sort of, it has also made me really scared of my work as I am sure it is well below parr for these conferences so far and am skeered of looking quite the fool.

Oh dear, oh dear, what to do?! They emailed me the other day and are now waiting on an answer. They don't know I am pregnant (I don't know them apart from that we work remotely on a postgrad networking site for an IR organisation together. Well, he works, I pretend to have a clue what is going on which I really, really don't) as is no obvious reason to mention it though now, if I do agree to do it with them then I would have to say that actually I may give birth at any time so may not actually turn up. What is the deal with this? Would the worry bring on labour or stress me and Bean out? Is a big Career vs Baby quandary. I am greedy for personal success if I can get it - and if a big tick in a very public and large box is offered to me I should take it, especially in the writing up stage! But but BUT - what comes first? I am so far away from being *that* pregnant I can't possibly imagine how I will feel. Maybe I should ask my midwife. And my Mum. DF thinks I should do it and has said he will drive us there and look after us. The conference would be mainly sitting on my bum anyway, and the presenting bit is only half an hour tops. BUT it is the stress before hand when I hoped I would be starting to wind down and put the work away, it is the worry about presenting (hate it - don't we all?!) and networking and writing the paper as well as having my writing-up monitoring meeting at the Uni, and handing in the first draft of the whole PhD! Then having my first baby!

Is it too much? I know this stage of the PhD is pretty full-on and this is fine - if it isn't all during the last month of my pregnancy?! I mean, spread it out a bit eh?!!!

Arf I dunno. Am off to read outside and continue to ponder. I do miss cigarettes and wine and good chats at times like this...

Have good weekends all!

x J