Arse

Oh dear. My Sup wants to see me on Tuesday still. He wants to know what I am doing with my research findings in India.

Only problem is that I don't actually know. Anything. Not a sausage. Am still reading through my diaries and trying to work out my approach and remind myself what questions I am asking of the interview data! Oh shizzle. I have been crying my eyes out for about half an hour and now reached a point of oh my shi*ting hell what am I going to do. I am seriously stressed because, for a start, getting to uni and back is a problem without my baby as he will need feeding while I am away and I am still his source of milk. I won't be able to get enough for him in time :0( This is very stressful! And also something I don't want to spell out to my (male) sup, lovely though he is I am shy. Also I have no work. I am going to get in trouble. He already knows my childcare is up the spout and I haven't been working as much as I should do so is looking to be reassured by me that I am on top of stuff, even marginally. But I am not.

I don't know what to do. DB is being really supportive, saying he thinks I engineered this situation because I could have been working much more than I have and spent my time when we went South visiting friends and looking for houses while I should have been working. Like I went all that way not to see anyone, how rude would that be. And I did try and work, leaving Bean with Grandma but she couldn't look after him, he would just cry. That DB didn't even notice this speaks volumes to me. Like I want to be in this mess. I do confess that I have seen it coming. But I have tried and tried to talk to DB, to get him to help me and let me work to no avail and I can't do this, do the housework, cook all the meals and look after Bean full time without help. It's been like a runaway train. I hoped that when this did happen DB would see that I am not coping, that there is a point to my nagging, that I can't work without help. But instead I am being told off for not coping and not engineering better work situations for myself. I complain to him so much I am sick of myself. So I shut up and stay quiet, waiting for him to notice for himself and he just doesn't. So we must move house so I can have someone else look after him but if I look for houses I am in trouble (he doesn't look ever). Basically DB thinks I don't try to work enough. Maybe I should go on strike and stop cooking, cleaning and looking after Bean so he can see what not working is actually like. It is a very busy and tiring life! I adore looking after my baby but it is tiring and I need some chuffing support.

I feel better for letting that out. But am bored, bored of saying it. I want to leave actually. At least then I am only picking up my socks from the floor and washing my dishes when I am, apparently, skiving. Am so low :0(

Ok so what shall I do about Tuesday morning? I suppose I shall have to see what I can rustle up. My head is in a stressed fug of horror. It is halloween I suppose.

boo.
x J