Oh Crikey

I am having a nightmare of a time :0(
I have been away for the wedding... it was fabulous and I loved being a bridesmaid. It was so lovely! But now I am back and I just know that my working arrangements are not going to work. I know this because DB has forgotton already and I haven't had an opportunity to work at all. The idea that I could work on fridays and saturdays isn't going to pan out either - maybe I'll have friday afternoons, I can believe that. But saturdays are busy, either people want to visit to see Bean, or A wants to go out etc etc. And the evenings... I am so tired or on duty with a teething Bean... I can honestly say I have hardly done more than an hour's work since I started back last month.

So I think I need childcare help. Just two/three days a week so I can get my head down. I could work in itty bitty bits but arg, it is so hard to regain a thread of a long article, or keep the different themes in your head, or to keep up with new emails and conference ideas. Writing will be even harder. I don't know if I am just fussy or lazy, but I can't leave work, go back to work, leave work, go back to work and be any good like that. I need a clear space - physical and temporal - in which to get some clear work done. I can't put Bean in nursery because research shows that it is more harmful than beneficical for babies before they're two to be in a nursery environment and I won't do that to him. He is such a sunny, happy and secure little boy! DB doesn't like the idea of a childminder, and to be honest nor do I - it is hard to think of someone I don't actually know having such intense responsibility for my child. So the only option is for family, and the family are all down south. So we need to move south... But DB has work commitments up here until January that actually earn us a tidy sum :0(

I need to talk to DB. I hope he doesn't think I am blaming him for not giving me opportunity to work (he is always busy so doesn't do any childcare but I love doing it so whatever) or come up with more daft pie-in-the-sky solutions like'I'll cut back my hours!' or 'I'll do childcare from 5pm!' because it is rubbish.

I need clear time and a clear head knoing my baby is being looked after by someone who loves him. But what does DB want? And my supervisor? At the mo I would love to just leave the PhD largely until the end of Jan, when my baby is weaned and can be away from me in the day. At the mo he needs me too much.

Oh what to do?!

x J