Every little counts... I hope!

I am back to work!  Hurray!

Am so pleased, it has only been a week but it feels like aaaages.  My brain has gone soft.  BUT I have moved house and have a lovely new office (also the spare room) which has a big window of loveliness but yet the sun manages to stay off my table so I can use the laptop easily without glare.  Excellent.  I can definitely feel that this is where I will finish my PhD.  My old office just didn't have the right vibe if you know what I mean?

Anyway, although I am 'back to work' I am not as much as I would like.  I have had to get a haircut this morning and now it is 1pm, and I have to go and pick up the baby in an hour and am yet to eat today.  Arf.  I have however, got the laptop on - instead of just reading ;0)  I have realised (due to the time off) that I am ready to start writing, or at least a lit review introduction.  I just have to sort of plan it.  I was re-reading an article in front the the tv the other night (to appease my conscience from me having so much time off) and although it was tiny and not really on my topic there was a gem of a nugget in there which really got me understanding my work and made me realise the structure that the thesis is trying to take.  This was very exciting.  In real life though I have sat down and tried to write the intro but realised that I do still need to plan it.  For some reason, and I think it is because it is such an enormous piece of work, I can't work out what a lit review is still.  I mean, I know, but when I try and write it I end up doing the introduction for the whole PhD, and then try and think of arguments etc which is obviously the discussion and then my conclusion is my PhD conclusion...  when all I need to do is explain the background or context to the work.  Not the whole thing!  My head is just too full of the whole thesis I guess, which actually, upon reflection (oh dear blog thank you for this reflective space!) it looks like maybe I am in a position to write some kind of proper introduction?  And then the lit review will hopefully follow when I have got out the other introductory/exploratory junk out of my head.  Hmmm interesting!  For some reason though I am very nervous about writing the intro.  Ah, I know why, it is because then I have to commit to an idea and an argument which I am hesitant about doing lest I look a fool.  I suppose I could read until the cows come home, looking for confirmation that my ideas are entirely plagurised (sp?!) and unoriginal.  Maybe I should bite the bullet.  I do have more reading to do - a whole section in fact - but am pretty much there I think.  I have all my notes laid out on the back of my desk under subject headings and with every author that I have read to do with them written out and the date of publication, so I can see quickly whether the reading I have done for that subject/topic is up to date and varied and covers the key authors yet, or if I have holes.  This is *fabulous* as after a week away a pile of notes would just be meaningless now.  It is quite a pile :0)  Looking at them I do feel that there is a structure of sorts and a theme and flow of what the PhD must be about.  It's just a case of putting that in writing.  Fabulous, scholarly writing.  'Just a case'...  bah.

I have personal  issues in that my childminder is taking the next two weeks off.  Eek!  I shall be full time mothering the baby but will try and work in the evenings.  Am off to London for the night next friday which I cannot wait for but I also know I will be really homesick.  is only 24 hours and man I need a break with best mates, beer, sunshine and very loud music.  Sans bebe.  Brilliant and nervewracking all at the same time.  I am also thinking of putting Bean in with the CM for an extra day a week in a month or so.  I will have to get very serious come September and wonder if I am falling between two stools at the mo.  When I am with bean I worry about my work to the point where I am short tempered and not really 'there', and when he is with the childminder I don't have enough time I feel to really get into work so I just miss him and look forward to having him home.  Poor mite isn't really getting a very good mummy at the mo but he adores the childminder and I swear she must be better for him while I am in this pickle.  I wonder if just having him with the CM for four days a week, 9.30 - 2.30 would be better for him, just until I get it finished and am calmer.  The stress is definitely setting in.  All I can think is 'what if I don't finish'?  What if I *can't* finish?  Is it too big for me?????  :0(  The all I can do is look at all the notes I have and think how sad it would be for that work to go to waste, and I might as well just try... and if I fail at least it *was* because I wasn't good enough, not because I walked away from it.  )Grand thoughts but they do naff all to ease my constant feeling of insecurity and doubt.) 

Ok.  I am going to spend half an hour seeing if I can plan an introduction and if that goes well I will know that I can start writing that and leave the lit review for a wee while (however long I can keep writing the intro for).  While I have all the ideas in my head (just about, I am getting forgetful already!) it might be good to try and write a synopsis of what I am trying to say and why it matters and how it is original.  If I can get this down it would be of great help when writing the lit review, help it keep shape and not wander off.  I desperately need to go to the library... I was going to do this this week while bean is with the CM (although he *can* come to the uni library...  but really, how practical is that when all he will do is pull every book off the shelf?!  Not impossible though...) but if I am writing the intro then the lit review books would just sit gathering dust...  and fines no doubt.

Ok then, am plannin' my PhD intro!  Who'da thunk it?

x J