3 weeks later...

And the childminder has my baby and I am back to work!  well trying to be, bvut it is offputting with DB coughing and sneezing his way round the house.

In truth I want him to go so I can nip outside for a cheeky fag.  no, I haven't stopped smoking though I have cut down.  Well, I only smoke two a day tops anyway ;0)  I am dieting though and that is going really well.  Although I should admit I only started yesterday. 

Workwise I have done NOTHING for three weeks.  I have been moving house and settling in and looking after the little bubs full time.  He is very much a toddler now, running hither and thither and does not appreciate being left to it.  Playing quietly at my feet while I do two hours concentrated work is not something that happens in Real Life - I definitely am ordered to join in!  I can read, but I can't actually read without taking notes or it all falls out of my brain and if I take notes Bean wants to draw on them too.  No, not on his *own* piece of paper, don't be silly, most definitely on *my* paper - it is obviously the best paper!  Anyway, time off has been lovely and am back with vengeance and am full of plans.

Plans... 

Today I am buying endnote.  I give in.  My references are starting to make me wake in the night in a cold sweat.  I need to start ordering them and, well, I need somewhere to keep them and where I can conjure them at will.  So bye-bye £50.  I am also *drum roll* collating together all my up-to-date chapters and scribblings into a semblence of the final thesis.  At the mo everything is in seperate chapters but I want to start to see what they look like all together, get the chiapters aligned so I can scroll from one to another and see the signposting (lack of) and references and read it as if it is one.  This is exciting!  Although quite nervewracking as I am very scared to see how naff my finished chapters are, and how little my total word count adds up to...

Personally, I have come clean to important peeps about our non-wedding and generally er, one person is really pleased for us.  Everyone else is really shocked (more conservative friends) or sad (mum).  I don't get it.  We have a baby, we are a family already, why the fuss and money on a big silly wedding I have no time to organise (hold in check more like while suppliers run away ordering all sorts with our money) and my mum has admitted she can't afford?!  Stupid people, come on.  Not to mention the people that can't make or won't be able to make it because they will have newborn babies.  I am surrounded by fecundity this summer, I tell thee.  I also want a baby!

And so this is my other plan:  I am not allowed to think about having another baby until I have practically finished my first proper draft.  This is about christmas time if I apply myself.  This is a good incentive!  Much better than thinking maybe next year I will hand in a vast maniscript or three that at the moment I cannot believe I will ever achieve...  When my Sup has run off and my department has completely changed and my friends have scarpered/finished and my personal confidence is not just on the floor but buried far, far below the earth and smothered in concrete for good measure.  It means that whenever I sit and write I am plodding my way closer to being able to grow my wee family and in the end, sit with a newborn and my toddler and be happy in being a stay at home mommy with the horror that is these final months of the PhD far behind me.  'Cause, you see, my DB has gone and been offered a fabulous full time job - his dream job in fact - and has taken it!  With a tidy salary that means I can stay at home and breed once I have my PhD for a while.  It also means I can take on jobs I *want* rather than jobs I have to have for the money.  This is a very privileged position and one I am very proud of my Boy for creating. 

I have to say, moving house has been the making of us.  We are like normal people again!  In the old house we argued a *lot* and I was desperate - but then we all slept in the same room and downstairs was like one big room we all ate, worked, played and relaxed in.  Not.  Good!

Anyway, I am off to get endnote (how, where) then will be time for a break and then back to make my whole PhD fit together and so I can see clearly where the gaps are (more gaps than writing methinks!).  At least it will make me feel that bit closer to the end.  For now.

x J