eh?

Lordy I don't know what I am doing!

I am in such a funny mood today.  I feel really blue and can't believe that I have a PhD tod o.  Am not feeling up to it at all :0(

I have sort of fallen out with my family.  This is depressing and about something that someone has done to me so I can't even fix it - it's up to them.  So I sit and wait and feel sad. 

The wedding cancellation is continuing though we still have to cancel the caterers and the marquee.  I shall do the marquee in a minute.

DB said a couple of things to me over the weekend that for some reason I have totally blown up into a severe criticism of all I try and do well as a wifey and mother and worker.  This is depressing and am finding it hard to come back from it.  Instead I just want to read my book, eat chocolate and smoke and hide.  And maybe have a wee cry.

Bean was up all last night so I slept in his bed with him but he just kicked and wriggled all night which is *really* irritating.  Being kicked by someone you are trying to help is just so demoralising.  (he doesn't know he is being annoying which means it can't be helped, he just has to fidget and I am in the way!)

I can't go swimming tonight and let off any steam because DB has a meeting.

So I am stuck and feeling blue today.  All stuff that will hopefully have eased by tomorrow.  The worry is compounded by the fact that I am watching the clock tick my precious working time away while I mope and can't get my head to focus.  I think I am just really tired.  Tired from lack of sleep, tired from being stupid me and tired of work.

I am so whiny.

RIGHT what shall I do to salvage the day and get some kind of control back.  I shall cancel the marquee, that is one big job done.  I shall also tackle the jumbled paragraph that I wrote for the new synopsis.  I don't feel that I will understand a single thing.  After I have done that I might go and have another smoke (I gave up yesterday then DB pissed me off and I had to go outside and er, fume... fnar).    Then I expect I shall have to read something!  And understand it and bla bla.

One thing that was interesting and did make me feel a bit better about the PhD is that my friend who came to stay for the weekend was staying in the room I work in and she said that my desk, with all the notes that I have so far for my lit review on it, looked frightening.  So I must be doing some work, and that works frightens people.  So that it frightens me is quite understandable!

Oh and I have a friend who is a proof reader (for science stuff mainly) has said she takes on more arts PhD theses now and would be happy to do mine for mates rates.  She has 10 years experience and is really very good so I shall definitely use her.  She said that she is doing a thesis at the mo which is 90,000 words long and quoted £1000 for that.  Which is great but shit me, that is so much money!  but at the end of the day, it has to be proof read and it would be lovely to hand in something all smart and completely done you know - rather than my half arsed attempt at writing ;0)

laters y'all

x J