Rubbish

Today was rubbish. Well, it was a great day, but I did no work. Hardly anything at all. I am very distracted and suffering a serious lack of concentration. It is like I have ADD or something. I can sit still, but cannot read one thing for a long period of time. And I tell myself off but I don't really care. Plus the neighbour decided to play jazz at full blast which was quite offputting.

Tomorrow the landlord is coming round, I am going to go for a 4 mile run, and I am going to do four hours of good work - minus the radio. Yes, silence. It is my punishment for not concentrating. I have some work to do on the internet but will only allow myself an hour to do it, then will do three hours of book-learnin' in silent concentration. Then I will go for my run, then I will be free for the rest of the day (about 3pm onwards I estimate).

The problem is, I don't really care. The whole thing is so daunting and massive I don't know how I will finish it and any work I do feels so insignificant that I do kind of think, 'well, another day of nothing can't hurt in the grand scheme of things'. Which is total bullsh*t.

How can I make my work meaningful to me? I don't know how to get the spark and enthusiasm I used to have back. I used to be so good at working for myself and now I am rubbish, just skiving and not concentrating day after day. It is demoralising.

I must not give up. I must do some good work tomorrow and then I will feel in control again. I will go into Uni on Tuesday and swap some books for new ones - this usually makes me feel more grounded (being in Uni) and like I am moving forward (getting new books and discarding old, read ones - yes, I have read some!). I need a massive kick up the arse but I don't know how to get it - until I am told off and I can't let that happen!

I wonder how much of it is symptomatic of the saying that however long you have left to do your work, that is how long it will take to do. I worry that I won't take anything seriously until I am back from India and it is Jan next year - when I really am looking down the barrel. Why would I do that to myself though?

Completing a PhD, on time, is so very hard to do. I can see how people let it drag on and on. I wonder how many people actually do hand in on time?

bums!

x J