I'm still not working. Still not. Am so worried, I feel like such a fraud and so horribly guilty.
My Supervisor wants to see what I have written by the 2 Nov. It is near impossible but I have said I will give him something. How? It's a nightmare. I did come clean about not working as much as I would like, but didn't say not at all. I am meant to be full-time carer for my baby, full-time housewife for DB and full time student for my Supervisor. I can't keep it up. something is going to have to give - I feel like such a liar.
I don't know what to do. The bind is that I can't afford not to work, but then I can hardly afford childcare either. A childminder would cost about £50 a week for two mornings. How do I find that? And moving South is great but the rent there is about £200 more a month, and we still won't have enough room for us all to live and work there and I will only have money until June. Then we are paying more and earning less and I am just so worried. I can't face getting into massive debt problems, I have hundreds of pounds of debt each month as it is.
I'm in such a pickle. I don't know what the solution is. I need someone to take care of my baby so I can work, but this can't feasibly happen until late Jan. I need to go to the library and work and work but down south this will be an hour long commute, and up here I can't get away for long enough. DB works all hours, or is playing tennis (e.g tonight). He doesn't ask me if I have work plans. Ever. He hardly ever cooks and does no housework. He doesn't look after Bean, rather he babysits often leaving a trail of mess that is there for me to deal with afterwards. I can't cope! I hate it! I am miserable and waiting to see my sup with no work done, in line for a massive ticking off is just so fu*king depressing.
I don't know what to do.
x J
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4 comments:
Hi,
Just wanted to wish you good luck and to thank you for the blog. It is so helpful to read another woman's hopes and fears about combining research and baby - something I'm attempting to do myself.
Here's hoping that your schedule rights itself, and that you meet your Nov. writing deadline. Baby steps!
Best wishes,
T
Wow thanks for the blog, I just started my PhD and found out I was pregnant, still only 14 weeks but it feels like the two are entwined- only one birth is 9 months and the other is 4 years! I know a baby is my life and the PhD is work (the words of my wise supervisor) but still I want to succeed at both!
It sounds like you are having a downer at the moment, but don't despair, you are doing very well and as T wrote above- baby steps! There is never a good time to have a baby and having such a strong, smart, and determined mother will do wonders for your kid.
My advice is use the experience to become super efficient and organised, and believe you can succeed at being a mum and a graduate. It's what keeps me going, and I have only just begun!
All the best
Bella
Very much thinking of you -- you can do this, Jayney!
One step, and then another, and then another. And if you end up anywhere near Nottingham, let me know! ;-)
xxx
Aw thanks so much ladies! Really, thank you. Yes am having a downer. But it will work out, I know it will :0) I just wish I knew how!
And yes, absolutely Bella, life must come first and work will always be there. I wouldn't ever regret my baby for a second - work will sort itself out :0)
hugs y'all!
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