Oh 'eck.
Everyone told me 'don't ave a baby and while you're doing your PhD, it won't work' but I knoew it would. I would work with him strapped to me in a sling, I would work when he napped, I would work in the evenings when he was asleep, I would work on the weekends when DB could look after him. Loads of time! Turns out it just isn't like that - funnily. I can't work with him in a lsing, he wants to move and anyway, it's impractical ;0). I can't work when he naps - I have housework to do/dinner to cook/a cup of tea and a need to breathe... I can't work in the evenings when he is asleep - I have a house to tidy from a messy baby, I have emails and life admin to catch up on, a boyfriend to talk to, dinner to cook and am knackered from being at the back and call of a wee bairn all day. Or DB is out and I am on baby duty alone (am alone anyway but is that bit more stressful when on your own). And I can't work on weekends because he cries when he is away from me for long and I hear this upstairs and can't bear it.
Sooo, in a nutshell, it just is not happening. Even stripping back the work to being about reading rather than analysis and chapter writing, it is not happening and this is really depressing. It nags me and nags me. My baby has been demanding all my time the past couple of weeks with teething unhappiness, a very nasty cold and now a throat infection (poor bubs) and am knackered and just want to curl up of an evening and drink tea and eat food and re-lax. I have never in my life been so busy and tired out, and my time is sooo in demand it is untrue, with the baby and the work. I feel so guilty, so VERY guilty that I am not working and dread my Sup contacting me wanting to know what work I have been up to. None! None! How awful!
But I am slowly coming up with a plan. I need to schedule time in for work and be quitre strict about it, or DB rides roughshod over it - coming back from meetings late/going out to exercise/being late with finishing work - and it's my fault too for not enforcing it but then again, I don't want to nag about that *too*. How boring - and honestly, if it gives me an excuse to think 'I'll start tomorrow, tonight is too late bla bla bla' then I do.
I have to get a routine going. And so I have decided that Mondays = Off, and I shall exercise (am not exercising at the mo either. just looking after bubs and the house takes all my time). Tues = work. From 5pm for at least three hours. DB can look after Bean. Weds = Work, from 5pm again. Thursday off/exercise/ Friday off. Saturday = work - 10am - 2pm.
Though is scuppered immediately as DB and I are away this weekend and next week! Arg! I reckon though if I get at least 20 hours a week then that is more than half and I can swing it on that till I get to the South. It'll be ok.
Hmmmm... I think it doesn't help that a large part of me still thinks that I can't get a PhD. Ah'm far too stoopid ;0)
x J
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2 comments:
Hello Jayney
I left a comment a few weeks ago - I am now 11 weeks pregnant, got my scan next week and then will need to tell my supervisors. I am now seriously starting to dread spreading the news - not looking forward to the look on their faces. Its funny - we seem to have several things in common - also 31 and also don't live near mine or my husband's family (but happily we are in the South, right next to the sea!). After reading about how difficult you've been finding it recently - I am now s******g myself!
We both really wanted a baby, then it happened rather more quickly than we had expected, now I'm worried that I'm going to be throwing away 5 years of hard study juggled with teaching. Just trying to remember that life is bigger than my PhD - and reminding myself that there is never a good time and who's to say that if we'd waited a couple of years more that we wouldn't have had problems getting pregnant - would I be willing to trade a family for a PhD (I don't think so) My thesis is going OK (still battling with the methodology chapter - aargh!) - managing to resist the pregnancy websites a bit more now and trying to come up with plans to get as much work done while I still can (when I'm not tired!) - although the next few weekends are taken up with visiting friends and family to tell them our news (provided everything is OK at the scan - fingers crossed). Sorry to hijack the blog with 'baby stuff' rather than PhD stuff- just really helpful to read honest stuff from someone who is already going through what I have yet to come! I hope you that your move will allow you to feel more confident about completing and generally happy about a new life.
Best wishes
E (feeling nervous about giving my name until we've announced - ridiculously paranoid I know!)
Hello E!
Congrats on your progressing pregnancy! Hope you feeling ok and not too tired.
Ahh, don't be stressed! Everyone's life is different, circumstances are different, coping levels are different and babies are different; no two experiences can be comparable :0) Just take each day of the pregnancy as it comes and don't let your PhD worries interfere with this most amazing and unique time in your life! The PhD will always be there, this time and the early time of your baby's life won't be. The development of a human being - and your mental health - is waaaaay more important and you *will* get your PhD, and when you do you'll be so proud and wonder what all the fuss was about. Seriously, if you want it enough you'll get there, just not necessarily in a nice, neat and predictable way. My blog may sound scary but I am going through it and talking out loud - a revised and edited version after my PhD is done would probably be a lot calmer.
All in all, I would have my baby a million times over the PhD - he is completely unique and THE joy of my life. My PhD will come when it comes - which it will. And also, having a baby and looking after and nurturing one really puts the PhD in its place and gives some perspective which I think is an ace advantage actually.
Lordy I do go on!
Take care of yourself and DON'T WORRY and be happy!!!!!!
Good luck at your scan by the way, it is amaaaaaaaaaaaaazing!
xxxx J
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