First Day Back

It's my first day of my new working life and so far I have skived for an hour and argued with DB for half an hour. Excellent!

Am really stressed about working I have realised. I am really intimidated by the work. I feel dulled and slow and as if the working world is miles away from me. My self-confidence is low I guess. I also feel i have two full time jobs - as a housewife, and as a PhD student. I cook, clean, tidy and organise my family, am the primary carer for bean (by default as I am Woman and of course, I adore the job :0)) I don't sleep much because of said child and am also a full time PhD student. Something has to give and all to easily it is the work. I need to get back into it so badly, to gain momentum and a feeling that the work belongs to me, that I can do it and that it isn't some kind of hobby I moonlight with. I want to be able to do it but I find it hard to have the energy and motivation when so many other jobs call for my attention. It is no coincidence either that these jobs are ones that will provide a immediate sense of satisfaction as they are quick and easy to complete - in comparison with a PhD that is a long, long, long slog. I try and switch off from my other jobs but feel that I cannot sit down at my desk until they are done - until the house is clean, tidy, organised and Bean is settled. But this rarely happens, because housework does not start at 9am and finish at 5pm, but is a constant cycle of labour. So I never feel settled at my desk and always seem to have reason to pop off and do something 'important'. I can'gt work anywhere but home, the commute to Uni would take up a quarter of my very limite,d precious time and I don't even have my own space there but a research room with glaring overhead lights and, ug, other people.

I want to view my PhD as important, but it just isn't any more to me. Working on it feels self indulgent, because both DB and Bean are unhappy when I am doing it. DB because he needs to work too and Bean because I am his world and if DB is preoccupied Bean doesn't get distracted very well and gets bored and mardy. I have one hour a week for ME, and that is when i go to commando fit. Otherwise, I even take my baby to the loo with me (he cries if I leave him!). I sleep with my baby, I am almost never without him. I love this, but it is taxing.

So I am here, after sorting out my barney with DB and he is making me a cup of tea. I need to work well today, not necessarily for a long period of time, but to do something. Have a feeling of accomplishment, even if it is only 15 minutes.

I wonder if I should leave the chapter for a week and concentrate on some reading, get back into the language and rhythm of work. Or just go back into the chapter. Am dreading the chapter so I guess I should tackle it head on and make it my friend again. That would be some achievement! It feels like a lifetime ago that I did my fieldwork.

Ok. Today I am going to read through my chapter and then start typing up the fieldwork results again. I have two hours (though Bean will want a nap at some point so will have to do that). It isn't long enough. *sigh*

I shall skim read the chapter as it stands and then start typing.

x J