Righty. The past week has been a shocker. Really bad crisis of confidence. As in, crying every night bad.
Just no motivation and nooooo confidence. I also realised that I think my Sup is super disappointed in me and felt that he had washed his hands of me :0( The lit review seems insanly daunting because I am so behind on the lit. The language and confident, mature writing of the journal articles I am reading makes me realise how badly I write and how stupid I must seem. I feel so out of practice at thinking about my own field an MA student would surely run rings around me. I feel like I know *nothing*. Oh lordy. And I feel I don't do anything else properly - exercise? I went once last week. RUBBISH. I need a job too asap as my funding runs out and anyway, I just want a job. And we need to move house because I can't work in this one. I have also realised I need to work sooo many more hours.
This made me stay up all night Saturday worrying about how I am going to do all the housework, all the baby and all my PhD AND my triathlon training. Where do *I* fit in to this?!
SOOOOOO I have slowly built myself back up again. I have decided to work nights - from when the baby sleeps until he wakes so about 2.5/3 hours... and if i am working well (ie not watching tele or procrastinating) I am allowed to eat chocolate/biscuits/crisps - choose my poison of the evening and munch. I am basically bribing myself. The thought of sitting upstairs in the office on my own when I am *shattered* and haven't stopped all day, when I could be downstairs in my dressing gown watching tv in the warm... UG it is awful. But with munchies and a cup of strong filter coffee - sounds almost appealing ;0) I don't care about putting on weight - I exercise like a nut when I do do some (tri swimming and boot camp burn at least 700kcs!) and, really, I think I should just get the job done and worry about weight afterwards - bit like pregnancy ;0) I read that you can only really concentrate on doing one thing well for any period of time. So for me it is bringing up Bean and the house and feeding us all. But I need to do the PhD well too... And so the weight/exercise issue has to come last in my priorities of things to worry about! I will work one weekend evening and most other evenings that I don't exercise. Boot camp and tri swimming evenings are just too much for me!
I have also decided not to cook fancy meals any more, and if we have to eat out of jars and the freezer and get scurvy, then so be it. I am going to sit back a bit and let DB cook more. I will generally plan the weeks meals in advance and write the shopping list accordingly - no more spending the day perusing the cupboards and casually and happily coming up with stuff using my imagination... ,military precision and predictability is the key if I want to avoid spending all my evenings hours cooking and washing up or eating takeaways. All meals must be easy to do so no lasagnes or fish pies ;0) But we can have macaroni cheese and salad; sausages and mash, pasta, rice and dahl, stews, stir frys... bla de bla.
DB is taking on more of a role with the wean in the evenings and will bathe him and humour him until Bean is tired. This is probably when I will do the end-of-day tidying and get dins ready (or hide and drink tea). He will also help more around the house generally. I have told him washing etc is on the backburner for me. (I have also told myself this ;0) I am such a control freak and perfectionist - I shall have to get used to Letting Things Slide.) DB is also helping out lots at weekends and has realised that work is NOT his life, but we are :0))) (big chats, all better now hurrah)
Exercise-wise I am doing tri swimming once a week and would like to do boot camp and another exercise once a week, This will be *all* and despite being woefully underprepared for the triathlon I will finish it and will be pleased. I forget that I cannot possibly exercise five nights a week *and* do a PhD in the evenings. As long as I exercise twice a week really I should be happy - sod feeling guilty. I also walk bean to the CMs twice a week which is two miles a day so is not too bad.
I have also sorted out the office and moved my desk around and all the hideous junk has been put away/hidden. My back generally faces the room and, most importantly, I cannot see DBs horrible messy desk. I cannot work in mess. I am really very, very, very, very anal about my workspace. It is where my brain and thoughts are and I hate the thought of other people sitting in that space or walking about in it! DB was sat at it the other day with his feet up on my desk. And when he went he left things on it. I went crazy at him! It is myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy space! MINE!! (Am I too wierd?!) So my desk is on the far side of the room where no one has any reason to go. Phew-wee.
And finally, I saw my PhD mate the other day and she reassured me that all peeps writing up, herself included, are regularly in tears and have no confidence either. This feeling of sorority pleases me. Other people have jobs and do a PhD *and* have a family. I need to buck up and get on. Or at least if I am feeling blue know that it is part of the process and not me being weak/not up to the job. And if I think my sup has washed his hands of me this matters not - I am not doing this for him I am doing it for me.
And finally, I have stopped feeling so very worried about looking for jobs. I'll keep an eye on it but won't be worried. I thought that if I didn't have one for september that I would be unlikely to find one for the rest of the academic year but my friend assures me that is boll*cks. Hurrah.
Sooooo last night I did work from 9-11.30pm and ate too many peanut m and ms (yay). Tonight I am babysitting for a friend but will take work with me, this time with normal chocolate m and ms. Tomorrow we are out seeing a gig (a rare night out for Db and I!). So my next evening work will probably be at the weekend. I do have my first all day stint tomorrow though - I am off to the uni library to get some very, very important books that I am relying on to help me get back up to speed and get some self esteem back.
Basically I have to start putting the PhD first. Housework, exercise, cooking, comes last. Baby comes joint first (but will come second when DB can look after him lol) ;0)
x J
Just no motivation and nooooo confidence. I also realised that I think my Sup is super disappointed in me and felt that he had washed his hands of me :0( The lit review seems insanly daunting because I am so behind on the lit. The language and confident, mature writing of the journal articles I am reading makes me realise how badly I write and how stupid I must seem. I feel so out of practice at thinking about my own field an MA student would surely run rings around me. I feel like I know *nothing*. Oh lordy. And I feel I don't do anything else properly - exercise? I went once last week. RUBBISH. I need a job too asap as my funding runs out and anyway, I just want a job. And we need to move house because I can't work in this one. I have also realised I need to work sooo many more hours.
This made me stay up all night Saturday worrying about how I am going to do all the housework, all the baby and all my PhD AND my triathlon training. Where do *I* fit in to this?!
SOOOOOO I have slowly built myself back up again. I have decided to work nights - from when the baby sleeps until he wakes so about 2.5/3 hours... and if i am working well (ie not watching tele or procrastinating) I am allowed to eat chocolate/biscuits/crisps - choose my poison of the evening and munch. I am basically bribing myself. The thought of sitting upstairs in the office on my own when I am *shattered* and haven't stopped all day, when I could be downstairs in my dressing gown watching tv in the warm... UG it is awful. But with munchies and a cup of strong filter coffee - sounds almost appealing ;0) I don't care about putting on weight - I exercise like a nut when I do do some (tri swimming and boot camp burn at least 700kcs!) and, really, I think I should just get the job done and worry about weight afterwards - bit like pregnancy ;0) I read that you can only really concentrate on doing one thing well for any period of time. So for me it is bringing up Bean and the house and feeding us all. But I need to do the PhD well too... And so the weight/exercise issue has to come last in my priorities of things to worry about! I will work one weekend evening and most other evenings that I don't exercise. Boot camp and tri swimming evenings are just too much for me!
I have also decided not to cook fancy meals any more, and if we have to eat out of jars and the freezer and get scurvy, then so be it. I am going to sit back a bit and let DB cook more. I will generally plan the weeks meals in advance and write the shopping list accordingly - no more spending the day perusing the cupboards and casually and happily coming up with stuff using my imagination... ,military precision and predictability is the key if I want to avoid spending all my evenings hours cooking and washing up or eating takeaways. All meals must be easy to do so no lasagnes or fish pies ;0) But we can have macaroni cheese and salad; sausages and mash, pasta, rice and dahl, stews, stir frys... bla de bla.
DB is taking on more of a role with the wean in the evenings and will bathe him and humour him until Bean is tired. This is probably when I will do the end-of-day tidying and get dins ready (or hide and drink tea). He will also help more around the house generally. I have told him washing etc is on the backburner for me. (I have also told myself this ;0) I am such a control freak and perfectionist - I shall have to get used to Letting Things Slide.) DB is also helping out lots at weekends and has realised that work is NOT his life, but we are :0))) (big chats, all better now hurrah)
Exercise-wise I am doing tri swimming once a week and would like to do boot camp and another exercise once a week, This will be *all* and despite being woefully underprepared for the triathlon I will finish it and will be pleased. I forget that I cannot possibly exercise five nights a week *and* do a PhD in the evenings. As long as I exercise twice a week really I should be happy - sod feeling guilty. I also walk bean to the CMs twice a week which is two miles a day so is not too bad.
I have also sorted out the office and moved my desk around and all the hideous junk has been put away/hidden. My back generally faces the room and, most importantly, I cannot see DBs horrible messy desk. I cannot work in mess. I am really very, very, very, very anal about my workspace. It is where my brain and thoughts are and I hate the thought of other people sitting in that space or walking about in it! DB was sat at it the other day with his feet up on my desk. And when he went he left things on it. I went crazy at him! It is myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy space! MINE!! (Am I too wierd?!) So my desk is on the far side of the room where no one has any reason to go. Phew-wee.
And finally, I saw my PhD mate the other day and she reassured me that all peeps writing up, herself included, are regularly in tears and have no confidence either. This feeling of sorority pleases me. Other people have jobs and do a PhD *and* have a family. I need to buck up and get on. Or at least if I am feeling blue know that it is part of the process and not me being weak/not up to the job. And if I think my sup has washed his hands of me this matters not - I am not doing this for him I am doing it for me.
And finally, I have stopped feeling so very worried about looking for jobs. I'll keep an eye on it but won't be worried. I thought that if I didn't have one for september that I would be unlikely to find one for the rest of the academic year but my friend assures me that is boll*cks. Hurrah.
Sooooo last night I did work from 9-11.30pm and ate too many peanut m and ms (yay). Tonight I am babysitting for a friend but will take work with me, this time with normal chocolate m and ms. Tomorrow we are out seeing a gig (a rare night out for Db and I!). So my next evening work will probably be at the weekend. I do have my first all day stint tomorrow though - I am off to the uni library to get some very, very important books that I am relying on to help me get back up to speed and get some self esteem back.
Basically I have to start putting the PhD first. Housework, exercise, cooking, comes last. Baby comes joint first (but will come second when DB can look after him lol) ;0)
x J
2 comments:
Thanks so much for sharing this. I am going through all of the same things at the moment (minus the Bean) and it's reassuring to know I'm not the only one. Wishing you better times and good luck with the new plan and evenings of work.
Thanks Cathy, and ditto! I always love to hear from people who are going through the same thing, I love company ;0)
Good luck to you!!
x J
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