I have spent the morning sorting myself out and think I am back in control again...
I have realised that I will not get this PhD done for June, or even September. Not in any way, shape, or form. I knew this but really didn't want to admit it because my funding runs out in June so I will have to depend on DB and am really quite a financial burden; and my sup leaves in September and I know he is disappointed in me already - that I won't finish by then is really going to p*ss him off. I hate this and it makes me feel just awful, awful, and quite the failure. But I cannot do it and so that is that!
Instead I have decided to face this head on, and think about what I *can* do. This has totally changed my outlook and made me feel much brighter and more in control of myself and my work. I *can* get this PhD done, it will just take longer. I have to plan in terms of months not weeks like I used to when I had all the time in the world at my disposal. I have to work as and when rather than set timelines and hard deadlines - I cannot achieve these because if my baby is sick, or won't sleep of an evening then I can't work and will miss the deadline. This makes me feel like I am always slipping backwards and obviously is not a positive way to work. I cannot expect DB to all of a sudden cut his hours - he has to work long hours and is very stressed and my work needs to fit in around him as well as vice versa. I should take time when he offers it too, and not be a martyr ;0) I also cannot expect DB to become Bean's primary carer when it is me that Bean needs to go to sleep and to see to him at nighttimes - he is a Mummy's boy what can I say. What I do know is that he will grow out of it and I have to think that he is in fact sleeping for longer periods in the evening all the time now.
What I can do is get a first draft in by December. I can spend three months reading for the literature review. The time spend on this was stressing me as I am in the 'writing up' stage and not the 'reading up' stage! However, I have realised that once the reading for this is done I really only have writing to do. This reading will set up the lit review chapter, the discussion chapter and provide depth to the analyses in my empirical chapter(s). Then I have the methodology, intro and concl and these should be fairly straghtforward and not need reading for. I need to be thorough and generous with my time for the reading as it always takes me ages and I should learn from this historical knowledge! Reading takes me YONKS but writing, for me, is pretty easy and I am thankful for that :0) (My sup says he reads quickly but agonises for days over a sentence... I couldn't stand that!)
That the Dec idea (no using of words like deadline! Too stressful!) is much later than I ever anticipated is of no consequence until someone tells me it is. This means do NOT worry on behalf of DB, or on behalf of my Sup - they would rather I finished I am sure than assumed on their behalf that they were angry with me and quit because of stress! If they are stressy, I will take it as and when it comes and deal with it :0) I am pretty sure that as long as I am working, DB will be ok - even pleased for me because I know he does get pleasure from my success which is why he is lovely.
It will be OK.
Better now. YEAH.
x J
I have realised that I will not get this PhD done for June, or even September. Not in any way, shape, or form. I knew this but really didn't want to admit it because my funding runs out in June so I will have to depend on DB and am really quite a financial burden; and my sup leaves in September and I know he is disappointed in me already - that I won't finish by then is really going to p*ss him off. I hate this and it makes me feel just awful, awful, and quite the failure. But I cannot do it and so that is that!
Instead I have decided to face this head on, and think about what I *can* do. This has totally changed my outlook and made me feel much brighter and more in control of myself and my work. I *can* get this PhD done, it will just take longer. I have to plan in terms of months not weeks like I used to when I had all the time in the world at my disposal. I have to work as and when rather than set timelines and hard deadlines - I cannot achieve these because if my baby is sick, or won't sleep of an evening then I can't work and will miss the deadline. This makes me feel like I am always slipping backwards and obviously is not a positive way to work. I cannot expect DB to all of a sudden cut his hours - he has to work long hours and is very stressed and my work needs to fit in around him as well as vice versa. I should take time when he offers it too, and not be a martyr ;0) I also cannot expect DB to become Bean's primary carer when it is me that Bean needs to go to sleep and to see to him at nighttimes - he is a Mummy's boy what can I say. What I do know is that he will grow out of it and I have to think that he is in fact sleeping for longer periods in the evening all the time now.
What I can do is get a first draft in by December. I can spend three months reading for the literature review. The time spend on this was stressing me as I am in the 'writing up' stage and not the 'reading up' stage! However, I have realised that once the reading for this is done I really only have writing to do. This reading will set up the lit review chapter, the discussion chapter and provide depth to the analyses in my empirical chapter(s). Then I have the methodology, intro and concl and these should be fairly straghtforward and not need reading for. I need to be thorough and generous with my time for the reading as it always takes me ages and I should learn from this historical knowledge! Reading takes me YONKS but writing, for me, is pretty easy and I am thankful for that :0) (My sup says he reads quickly but agonises for days over a sentence... I couldn't stand that!)
That the Dec idea (no using of words like deadline! Too stressful!) is much later than I ever anticipated is of no consequence until someone tells me it is. This means do NOT worry on behalf of DB, or on behalf of my Sup - they would rather I finished I am sure than assumed on their behalf that they were angry with me and quit because of stress! If they are stressy, I will take it as and when it comes and deal with it :0) I am pretty sure that as long as I am working, DB will be ok - even pleased for me because I know he does get pleasure from my success which is why he is lovely.
It will be OK.
Better now. YEAH.
x J
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