I still hate my PhD! Hate it!
Do you think I am going through the difficult teenager phase were we fall out all the time so it makes it easier for them to fly the nest (of just feck off out of my life?!)
I have (re-) realised, thanks to some comments (thanking you) that doing a PhD sucks. Most of the time, to be honest, it doesn't suck and the more I work on it the more I enjoy it. However, there are times, and they can crop up most unexpectedly, when you just HATE IT and think it is crap and worthless and that you would be far better off doing something else.
I think my lack of interest has coincided with a) a traumatic event in my life (so, obviously not into it); b) a feeling it will never be finished; and c) a lack of self confidence.
The last is crippling when trying to do a PhD let alone complete it. I think it is a complicated thing getting the right mixture of humility to want to strive and learn more and not think you have all the answers; and arrogance to think you have something worth publishing and defending and, well, being awarded a doctorate for. I think this mixture is probably simply a considered confidence, something I am sincerely lack at the moment.
What one cannot do at this stage is let a lack of confidence win. Somehow you have to tell yourself that it will be ok, that you aren't as bad as you think, and just carry on even though the voice in the back of your head whines on about how shit you are and how embarrassing this all is. At the least, it is possible to just think it probably is all shit but other people seem to think you have something or wouldn't invest time marking your shit, and even if you hand in a pile of crap you will have a viva and then simply be told to piss off and correct it... and still, you will get your PhD.
One thing that keeps happening when I stop working for a bit is that I forget my small deadlines that will mountain maketh, and think solely in terms of 'got to finish a PhD' which is NOT helpful. I do not have to finish a PhD, I have to write this chapter over a period of these many days, edit that over this many days etc etc and then, one day I will look up and it will be written.
Anyway, I am feeling totally up shit creek about the whole thing but write this to try and make myself feel that my first day back won't be completely awful. I think I will be back week after next... Hmmm, I just can't imagine it at all.
x J
PS blogger have changed their look and I am less than impressed! I have to click on links and things to get to my tags and ting and I am not computer savvy. harrumph to change. Sorry if the post is all awry!
Do you think I am going through the difficult teenager phase were we fall out all the time so it makes it easier for them to fly the nest (of just feck off out of my life?!)
I have (re-) realised, thanks to some comments (thanking you) that doing a PhD sucks. Most of the time, to be honest, it doesn't suck and the more I work on it the more I enjoy it. However, there are times, and they can crop up most unexpectedly, when you just HATE IT and think it is crap and worthless and that you would be far better off doing something else.
I think my lack of interest has coincided with a) a traumatic event in my life (so, obviously not into it); b) a feeling it will never be finished; and c) a lack of self confidence.
The last is crippling when trying to do a PhD let alone complete it. I think it is a complicated thing getting the right mixture of humility to want to strive and learn more and not think you have all the answers; and arrogance to think you have something worth publishing and defending and, well, being awarded a doctorate for. I think this mixture is probably simply a considered confidence, something I am sincerely lack at the moment.
What one cannot do at this stage is let a lack of confidence win. Somehow you have to tell yourself that it will be ok, that you aren't as bad as you think, and just carry on even though the voice in the back of your head whines on about how shit you are and how embarrassing this all is. At the least, it is possible to just think it probably is all shit but other people seem to think you have something or wouldn't invest time marking your shit, and even if you hand in a pile of crap you will have a viva and then simply be told to piss off and correct it... and still, you will get your PhD.
One thing that keeps happening when I stop working for a bit is that I forget my small deadlines that will mountain maketh, and think solely in terms of 'got to finish a PhD' which is NOT helpful. I do not have to finish a PhD, I have to write this chapter over a period of these many days, edit that over this many days etc etc and then, one day I will look up and it will be written.
Anyway, I am feeling totally up shit creek about the whole thing but write this to try and make myself feel that my first day back won't be completely awful. I think I will be back week after next... Hmmm, I just can't imagine it at all.
x J
PS blogger have changed their look and I am less than impressed! I have to click on links and things to get to my tags and ting and I am not computer savvy. harrumph to change. Sorry if the post is all awry!
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