RIGHT friends. This is IT. This is the beginning of a whole load of pain and the END of the PhD for me.
I am forgoing all pleasures (apart from chocolate, crisps, wine and tv... and my family... and reading... er not foregoing anything then) to complete my PhD. Starting from TODAY! Today! Strike while the iron is hot.
Obviously I am not working now as I am procrastinating by writing this instead :) One thing at a time though eh?!
I was thinking yesterday and I felt very low. I feel like an utter failure in various areas of my life, (all expect being a parent, I work bloody hard at that) and yesterday I just stood near the cooker and just felt so incredibly lost and down and trapped. And I realised I was actually heading toward depression again, so something in my life had to change. I realised I needed to get away, to move to the South asap! I needed to get a life, to be happier and not so lonely and stressed. I could work more then, more people would be around to look after Bean and love him, whereas here it is only us. We should move after our holiday I realised, and then I would have until Dec to hand in, as the only reason I am submitting in Nov is so we can get to the South in time for Bean's Birthday. AND I would be closer to my Sup, he only lives an hour away from that area, rather than 7 hours away! I was very excited!
And then I realised oh dear, if we moved we would have a holiday in the middle of moving which would suck. I would hand in in Dec, around Bean's Birthday and New year - and would have to travel 7 hours north to do that ALONE. I wouldn't have a study down South as we can only afford 3 bedrooms and DB would have the spare one for his work. We would have to find new permanent proper childcare and I would like Bean to move to a nursery next instead of again with a childminder and THEn to a nursery when he is three. Too much upheaval. Moving will be tough on him and instead of working MORE when we move I would like to be able to be a constant for him and help him adjust and make new friends. Take him to the beach etc.
I also realised that I would still need to complete even when we moved. I would just be procrastinating because I have realised I do want to finish, I just don't know how and don't have any confidence to do it. My friend emailed me yesterday to say she had submitted and that for the past yaer she had been a workaholic and never knew how hard submitting wouold be :( This fills me with dread; I am the opposite of a workaholic! I do not work anything like enough.
I have also been spending too much time concentrating on the miscarriage and trying to make new healthy babies. I am not getting pregnant and this depresses me. So I have decided, even though it is the one thing in the world I want more than anything, to stop until Sept/oct and I have finished my first draft. this is a Very Grown Up decision and puts my PhD at the forefront of my life, where it should be. It has taken too long to realise this and in the meantime I have buggered up my deadlines by faffing about and wasting time. But I have realised now, and have a new motivation that comes from an internal desire to succeed more than anything.
I do hope that now I have found this drive it will help carry me through. However, I know that first of all I have to take control of myself and make myself work. Through good times and bad, I need to sit at my desk pretty much every day, even if some days it is only for half an hour. Losing momentum and being away from work is anathema to my creativity and progress. I must work and think about working more often than not. If I have a chance I should be working, even if for only half an hour. Not big plans to work 3 hours of a nighttime etc, that is depressing. Just keep working. Which is why I am here today. I am going to work now while DB is out at the shop with Bean. Then we will go out for lunch and do family stuff for the afternoon. Then at 5 I will ask DB to sit with Bean while he has his tea and do his bedtime and I shall work from 5pm to about 7.30. This is work I would not have done normally. Then I shall spend the evening with DB. Tomorrow I don't know if I shall be able to work, my sister is coming for a roast dinner at 5pm and will stay till tues am. This is an odd one but I made the plans before I started to be a Proper Worker :)
I am also NOT going to go South for a naming bbq of my neice-in-law. This makes me feel like an arsehole as obviously it is a big family affair and I know I will always regret not going. But my Sisterinlaw was keen I didn't go if I needed to work as it was only a very informal thing but then was dead chuffed when I said I would go :( this makes me feel like an arsehole. However, however, we will move down forever quicker if I can work and live just up the road! And if I stay here for FOUR days all on my own, I can be a proper worky person and get the momentum going that I need and, as of now, want. I could make up so much time in those days. especially, and this is a killer, as my childminder is off for two whole consecutive weeks after this one. OMG. What will I do?! I will have to work during Bean's nap times and in the evenings. I might be tired, but if I see progress, if I start seeing actual words on pages, and pages into chapters - won't this be profoundly exciting?!
So the plan is thus: Work as and when I can. Really, as and when. Free time is not free, it is Work time!
Work hard this week and when DB and Bean go South so the two weeks off from the 6 Aug are copeable and you can enjoy that time with Bean.
During those two weeks, when he sleeps you can work so momentum is not lost and progress is still made.
Then work for the holiday, so you can go on holiday relaxed. Getting the first draft done for then is now looking doubtful (twat) but see what you *can* do. Words on pages, pages into chapters :) Incremental progress is still progress.
That is the 13 Sept and about 6 weeks away and about all I can focus on for now. It all becomes rather vague and fuzzy after that as I don't know how much I will have done to go away. I guess the lit review, methodology and possibly the Intro too. But concl and refs, abstract and appendices and bla bla will still need to be done.
TBH just having the lit review done will be an immense achievement. Shit and then I need to re-write the discussion. It never ends!
Anyway, generally I feel better, I do. Just being motivated, caring is quite a Thing.
x J
I am forgoing all pleasures (apart from chocolate, crisps, wine and tv... and my family... and reading... er not foregoing anything then) to complete my PhD. Starting from TODAY! Today! Strike while the iron is hot.
Obviously I am not working now as I am procrastinating by writing this instead :) One thing at a time though eh?!
I was thinking yesterday and I felt very low. I feel like an utter failure in various areas of my life, (all expect being a parent, I work bloody hard at that) and yesterday I just stood near the cooker and just felt so incredibly lost and down and trapped. And I realised I was actually heading toward depression again, so something in my life had to change. I realised I needed to get away, to move to the South asap! I needed to get a life, to be happier and not so lonely and stressed. I could work more then, more people would be around to look after Bean and love him, whereas here it is only us. We should move after our holiday I realised, and then I would have until Dec to hand in, as the only reason I am submitting in Nov is so we can get to the South in time for Bean's Birthday. AND I would be closer to my Sup, he only lives an hour away from that area, rather than 7 hours away! I was very excited!
And then I realised oh dear, if we moved we would have a holiday in the middle of moving which would suck. I would hand in in Dec, around Bean's Birthday and New year - and would have to travel 7 hours north to do that ALONE. I wouldn't have a study down South as we can only afford 3 bedrooms and DB would have the spare one for his work. We would have to find new permanent proper childcare and I would like Bean to move to a nursery next instead of again with a childminder and THEn to a nursery when he is three. Too much upheaval. Moving will be tough on him and instead of working MORE when we move I would like to be able to be a constant for him and help him adjust and make new friends. Take him to the beach etc.
I also realised that I would still need to complete even when we moved. I would just be procrastinating because I have realised I do want to finish, I just don't know how and don't have any confidence to do it. My friend emailed me yesterday to say she had submitted and that for the past yaer she had been a workaholic and never knew how hard submitting wouold be :( This fills me with dread; I am the opposite of a workaholic! I do not work anything like enough.
I have also been spending too much time concentrating on the miscarriage and trying to make new healthy babies. I am not getting pregnant and this depresses me. So I have decided, even though it is the one thing in the world I want more than anything, to stop until Sept/oct and I have finished my first draft. this is a Very Grown Up decision and puts my PhD at the forefront of my life, where it should be. It has taken too long to realise this and in the meantime I have buggered up my deadlines by faffing about and wasting time. But I have realised now, and have a new motivation that comes from an internal desire to succeed more than anything.
I do hope that now I have found this drive it will help carry me through. However, I know that first of all I have to take control of myself and make myself work. Through good times and bad, I need to sit at my desk pretty much every day, even if some days it is only for half an hour. Losing momentum and being away from work is anathema to my creativity and progress. I must work and think about working more often than not. If I have a chance I should be working, even if for only half an hour. Not big plans to work 3 hours of a nighttime etc, that is depressing. Just keep working. Which is why I am here today. I am going to work now while DB is out at the shop with Bean. Then we will go out for lunch and do family stuff for the afternoon. Then at 5 I will ask DB to sit with Bean while he has his tea and do his bedtime and I shall work from 5pm to about 7.30. This is work I would not have done normally. Then I shall spend the evening with DB. Tomorrow I don't know if I shall be able to work, my sister is coming for a roast dinner at 5pm and will stay till tues am. This is an odd one but I made the plans before I started to be a Proper Worker :)
I am also NOT going to go South for a naming bbq of my neice-in-law. This makes me feel like an arsehole as obviously it is a big family affair and I know I will always regret not going. But my Sisterinlaw was keen I didn't go if I needed to work as it was only a very informal thing but then was dead chuffed when I said I would go :( this makes me feel like an arsehole. However, however, we will move down forever quicker if I can work and live just up the road! And if I stay here for FOUR days all on my own, I can be a proper worky person and get the momentum going that I need and, as of now, want. I could make up so much time in those days. especially, and this is a killer, as my childminder is off for two whole consecutive weeks after this one. OMG. What will I do?! I will have to work during Bean's nap times and in the evenings. I might be tired, but if I see progress, if I start seeing actual words on pages, and pages into chapters - won't this be profoundly exciting?!
So the plan is thus: Work as and when I can. Really, as and when. Free time is not free, it is Work time!
Work hard this week and when DB and Bean go South so the two weeks off from the 6 Aug are copeable and you can enjoy that time with Bean.
During those two weeks, when he sleeps you can work so momentum is not lost and progress is still made.
Then work for the holiday, so you can go on holiday relaxed. Getting the first draft done for then is now looking doubtful (twat) but see what you *can* do. Words on pages, pages into chapters :) Incremental progress is still progress.
That is the 13 Sept and about 6 weeks away and about all I can focus on for now. It all becomes rather vague and fuzzy after that as I don't know how much I will have done to go away. I guess the lit review, methodology and possibly the Intro too. But concl and refs, abstract and appendices and bla bla will still need to be done.
TBH just having the lit review done will be an immense achievement. Shit and then I need to re-write the discussion. It never ends!
Anyway, generally I feel better, I do. Just being motivated, caring is quite a Thing.
x J
4 comments:
YEAH! You can/will do it!
xxxx
Hola Zalfa! Thank you for the war cry :) I don't know if I can do it so much as I know I HAVE to! I have to finish it so I can move the fuck ON and start to enjoy my life again!
How is your PhD coming along? Have you submitted yet?
x J
I feel exactly the same, just feel like I don't care anymore, but fuck it! We're gonna do it. My deadline is end of September - really hard not to just sit about and think about how lovely life will be when it's over! Meeting my supervisors next week as I have to hand in the dreaded "Intention to Submit" form -- eek! Also, have just found you on twitter (hope that's okay! no worries if not!) so you can always see my "progress" on there...xx
oh Zalfa I envy the fact you see your supervisors! I haven't seen mine since Feb! I feel completely alone!
Glad you are my sole follower on tweetland :) Though I gabble too much so not sure how to tweet! hehe :)
good luck, good luck x
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