Might as well come clean...

And admit that I found out this week that I am pregnant!

Lord it has been quite a couple of days. Little Bean (LB) is quite a surprise, I don't know how it managed to come to exist seeing as we are not trying but it does and so we are running the gamut of feelings from stunned shock, to worry and fear, to tentative and then outright happiness! I am thrilled now; I was crying a lot yesterday and very worried about my PhD and my Sup's reaction but told my Ma and she was very lovely and excited and calmed me down a lot. She told me that what is done is done and a) we will all work around it; b) everything generally works out for the best and; c) just enjoy every minute of it.

So I am! After that convo I decided to allow myself to be pleased and have been a beaming preggers lady since!

Workwise, I managed some reading yesterday as I posted, and today I was up early (early to bed for me now you see, and no hangover days! So twice the output of pre-pregnancy!) and have been busy letting family and friends know (coming out of the closet so to speak) and writing this and then I shall work like a deamon!! I have a lot to prove now you see, and a LOT of ground work to get down before December when LB arrives.

I don't know what to do about India. That has been my main obstacle to true elation about LBs surprise appearance. Damn this PhD, sometimes it really does rule my life - when you can't be happy about a baby you have been dying to have for years because of your stupid PhD you know you have a problem. !! but that is what a PhD has to be - your life. Well, it still is - I need it to build a life for my family! And I will complete to be a good role model for LB. But I wonder how long it will take? I am seeing my Sup on Monday to pick up a manuscript. I will do a lot of reading for then (and have some time off for weekend), scratch out an outline of my thoughts/direction, and have to come clean - even though it is ridiculously early days. It isn't even a foetus yet! But I think the earlier the better and then we all know where we stand and I respect him so much, I need to be honest. I just hope to god I don't cry. My ma, DB and friends are really *not* keen for me to go to India because it made me so ill, and will be so hot, and I can only go in a very short window because of flying and also I can't be showing - being unmarried and preggers where I will be will not be cool - and before you say it, I can't pretend, ethics and making friendships to get info and all that. I would have to make up a whole lie of our wedding (Indian peeps are really interested in family and stuff!! Not all reserved like English peeps!). Anyway, my charity peeps know we aren't married. It would be horrible - and I don't want to be waddling around in that heat and getting food poisoning anyway.

So what to do?! My PhD is going to need a serious overhaul but this may even be a *good* thing and mean I can focus it on a more theoretical and abstract bent, rather than using empirical evidence which I am not very good at getting. Or even necessarily agree with, all that 'data-mining' - there could now be a lot of room to entertain thoughts that otherwise I have had to squash to just get 'on' with doing empirical research... Or I could even ask Kuna in India to help me carry out a remote survey - this may be better than me doing it myself as he knows his peeps and how to ask things and what to ask etc! Lots of options, I just have to organise them and present them to my Sup so he knows I am still capable of thought and completing.

So there we are.

Today I am:
* drinking a lot of water
* trying to keep away from the corner shop and its wonderful crisps and chocolate
* and reading a LOT.

Bye then!

x J
(and 5 week old LB! (at a vague guess))