Losing patience with myself

Well, it is the end of another school day...

Thank God. I cannot believe how awful I am being! I just won't concentrate and even though I am bored I won't stop just staring at internet sites and out of windows and into mugs of tea.

I dunno why I am being like this. I can't work it out. Probably because I can't keep hold of a thought for long enough to interrogate it. And I am not placing the blame for my procrastination on Bean because I also know I could probably read a book or watch tele just fine. I just won't work. I am so near the end of this chapter! Why oh why! I wonder if it is because I am waiting for tomorrow to be over (seeing my family for first time since up the duff, exciting!) and then will work before going to cornwall... still doing this when I come back from cornwall is not appealing. I just don't feel any urgency or real worry. Even my anger toward myself is part of an ambivalent attitude where the other half of me is shrugging and just glad another day is over.

I don't know what to do with myself. I guess I just wait it out and trust that when it really is getting ridiculous (deadline extending that is) I will rein myself in and get this done in a day long blitz... but what if I don't? What if I am still trying to do this sentence/paragraph/page in December?!

Q: is this likely?
A: Not at all. Is downright impossible actually for I do have other deadlines do meet that include finishing at least one more chapter before then for turning into a paper.

So there we go. Between now and December I need to have:

* Finished this chapter (June - 2 days of) CHAPTER DOWN
* Gone to India and completed fieldwork (July/Aug)
* Analysed said fieldwork (Aug)
* Written up said fieldwork as the 'Local Voice' component of research (Aug/Sept) CHAPTER DOWN
* Researched (from scratch) and written paper and chapter on climate change stuff (June and July/Sept/Oct) CHAPTER DOWN
* Written discussion chapter (Nov/Dec) CHAPTER DOWN

So, with this lovely outline, I can definitely complete four more chapters (including current one almost finished) in their first, rough forms by December. Which means by then I shall have all the hard 'thinking' chapters down, and only the intro, lit review and conclusion chapters to write from scratch which will not be hard, just tedious. (This shows that I think I am writing 9 chapters - to many but what the heck, all the info can be jiggled round post-baby.)

This is probably why I am being 'chilled' at the mo, and not fretting too much about finishing the chaper *right* now (though really I should). I am terrible for waiting to get things done *right* before the deadline. Even though I know getting it done early would be great and really positive and know that I would be more relaxed and stuff if it was done, I always work the other way round. If I don't think I have to do it now, I won't. I will *try* - that is what is so stupid about it, I won't even take the time off to go away or do other things, oh no, I will try and fail to work each day, until the deadline becomes actually tangible and I get a move on. So, as per, I will come back tomorrow and try and work and not work and whine about it and do this every day until I actually wake up and realise that today, I must work. Then I will work, and work hard. Arg, I am so predictable and stupid!!

So, until tomorrow folks! Am now off to stare at some different walls and into treacle sponge and custard instead of tea.

x J