Blue

Hmm I am blue. Well, not completely, but when I think about work I am sad.

I feel like it is going down the tubes and I don't know waht to do. I spent all of last week doing nothing except skiving. Where is my discipline? I don't need to have anything done 'urgently', since I am now writing, this paper only needs to be rough, and the deadline is still a month away...

I feel very guilty and annoyed at myself, but what scares/worries me most is the impotence of my guilt and annoyance - it is falling on deaf ears. I am really scared that I won't work any more, that I won't get done what I want before I go on maternity leave... that I will leave it all until I come back. And I know as I write this that I am talking as if I am not in control of myself, as if something else tells me when I can or cannot work. The obvious refrain is: just work goddamnit! But I *just can't*. I have thought about taking my radio away so I can't put it on, and so in silence I will work. I need my internet to be confiscated too. But it goes further than that, I just *cannot* concentrate - even with no internet or radio I would find the window and stare out of that. I am a daydreamer, a flippetygibbet, up and down like a yo-yo, I have HDD. Is this writers block? I don't know how it can be, seeing as I know exactly what to write, it is simply getting down to writing it that is doing my head in.

So what to do?

I know. I have to do the whole 'write your dissertation in 15 minutes a day' thing. So, set a 15 minute time chunk and work for that. Then if I can stay until 30 minutes, great. If not, then do something else for 5 minutes. Then come back and do another 15 minutes. Work until lunchtime and go to the pool for a long break and stretch and that too will make me feel in control and organised. Eat a healthy breakfast and lunch. Don't snack. Do the 15 minutes thing again in the afternoon. This way I could get at least 3 hours work done which would be great - a lot of the point here is getting me used to sitting and working for periods of time, to not getting up and being distracted, to focussing and concentrating, and to thinking about my paper more than anything else. Once this habit is routine, hopefully by the end of the week, then we can start worrying about getting the hours in. For now there is no point worrying about how many hours when I can't actually sit still for ten minutes and can barely hold a thought in my head.

I do feel better now. But still worried. Just 15 minutes and no internet until after work - not even at lunchtime. NO internet.

Boo hiss.

x J