Change of Plan

Soooooo, I have made a Big Decision today and am delighted.

After yet another day of non-work I decided that I will bring my maternity leave forward to the beginning of December rather than waiting until the 18 Dec. I just can't work - I don't want to work, I can't bring myself to care about it! I don't want to read about aid in India, about politics about *anything*. This is soooo unlike me, I love my job and my research and cannot think of any reason why I am being like this. I have had time off, I have got a plan, I am not stressed etc etc. All I can think is that I am just too pregnant. I am not always sleeping well - or at all even, some nights I sleep from 2-5 and get up! - I am getting some scary contraction feelings and can't work the day after that as I am, well, worried! I just want to sleep, eat, read, plan for Bean and potter about. Doing nothing in particular. Let my mind run free.

I spoke to an eminently sensible friend who has done a PhD and then had two babies and she reckons that this time of the pregnancy is hard to be anything other than pregnant and a bit dopey, and that when I come back I will probably work harder than I could ever do now and am so likely just to get the job *done*. My time to work will be so precious I won't waste it like I do now. And I will complete it. I WILL. So I am going to talk to my Sup about bringing the mat leave forward. This will have to be unofficial, though seeing as uni breaks up for xmas on the 18th is only two weeks out and I won't miss anything but the dept xmas party - and more importantly, they won't miss me. Then I would, also unofficially, return at the beginning of Sept and so be there for the beginning of term which would be more useful than returning at the beginning of Oct anyway. Just means a month less of being with Beanie full time, but I honestly think that would be preferable to the guilt I feel wasting time now. I feel *so* guilty and cr*p. Anyway, I won't be without Bean, I'll just be working too.

I hope my supervisor lets me go for it. The thought of being able to spend the next week winding down, tidying eveything up and then not having it hanging over my head is amazing. A joy! I just can't do it any more! I am going to go to my sup with timelines and thesis plans for my return, a chapter plan and outlines, printouts of completed chapters so far (or at least a synopsis of each chapter, working biblios and word count). I shan't make it sound like I am ducking out, but that it is best for all and I will return with huge verve and, usefully, a brain that isn't obssessed by babies ;0)

Exciting! I shall organise it all tomorrow and email him.

Other than that, today I emailed my RA to ask him if he has done any translations and asked about my mat leave at the uni.

Tomorrow will be so much better than today!

x J