Monday monday

Hmmm. I didn't work today! I worked hard on Friday am, then went for a swim with a friend. DB was in Cornwall as his granddad has been terribly ill but then he drove back on Saturday night as I had some weirdness with a creepy neighbour over the road and his family were being a bit intense.

So I didn't work on the weekend as I had planned and today has been, I have to admit, awful. I sat down to quickly read some emails and get on with some reading, and haven't got off the computer! How do I do this to myself?

Is so funny (as in stupid, not ha-ha) too because this is what happens after every big peice of work. I work really hard, get the work done, then have some structured time off, and still have more time off when I come back to work. Is anyone else like this?! Doing a PhD takes sooo much time, and in fact time is what I don't actually have. yest I do, I know I do and this is why I skive. I wish I could dupe myself into thinking I *have* to work. It has been three weeks since I did any proper work :0(

I have five weeks before I leave Uni totally for maternity leave (18 Dec). That's nothing! I wonder what it is I want to have achieved in this time. I feel blue and cast asunder (yes, cast asunder!) because I haven't been in Uni for ages, nor do I want to go in (keep missing the research groups as they are on Weds avo and I am never here for some reason) but I feel guilty; because this is my last few weeks with my Sup before he leaves, because I haven't done what I wanted to do, which is finish this chapter last week and be on the next and final one... I feel bad about all this but unable to rectify anything and so am a bit blue. Basically I shouldn't feel guilty about the research groups, I have a PhD to finish and a baby on the way - anyway, I really haven't been here on that day. I just worry my Sup is slagging me off in his head (daft, daft). I can't stop Sup leaving nor can I make up reasons to go to see him if I have none just to use his time while he is available. I can't do what I wanted to do as this chapter is going to take MONTHS not weeks to do properly. Realising this is development in itself, not a failing. And I can't do the next chapter without having done this one and well!

Basically I feel bad I think because I hate this chapter and have to knuckle down and get on with it but really, really don't want to. All I want to do is loll about, reading and being pregnant - even though doing that every day would drive me mad with boredom. I think I have a touch of pre-holiday excitement, you know when you are off on holidays/leaving your job or something and your motivation flys out of the window as you sit around daydreaming?!

Ok, I shall not go online for the week in working hours and shall read, then I will feel so much better! I will feel in control, like a good student and not like a money-wasting skiver. I have to start working now anyway, I have so little time left!

x J