This is what is becoming a typical tuesday post.
But I am stresssssssssssssssssssssssed and very, very unhappy. I haven't worked because i can barely remember what I was doing last week. Even though i worked at the weekend and in the evenings and tried to stay on top of it, without working for hours every day I can't keep up with it.
I am thinking about jacking it all in. If DB is right, and this is a hobby (he sincerely regrets saying that btw, it just sticks in my head) then why am i doing this? Because this is NOT a hobby! It is hideous! It is a half life, a shadow over everything I do - and for what? I won't work in academia. I won't work in any job for about 10 years while I am bringing up small kids. And when I do I want to work in charities, and not on a giant scale at that. If I carry on with this the likelihood is that I will be overqualified for the kind of work I want to do! I like my work but hate the side-effects and the stress it is causing with each missed deadline and I can't concentrate.
I am finding it really hard to work without a supervisor :0( I have no one to talk to or check in to. but if I make a fuss about it then someone may step up and start making deadlines for me that are impossible to keep with a Bean. Bean still isn't sleeping through and is very jealous of my work. I can hardly work in the hosue with him around cause I hear him shouting for me downstairs all the time. I tell DB to take him out but how bossy can I/should I be?! It's their house too!
I want to finish. I really do and I know that if I don't I will always regret it. But I don't know if I CAN without working on it all the time. Other mums work part time on it and manage, I know, but they must be so clever and adaptable. I am not clever, I got onto this course from working 15 hour days and thinking of little else. I was naive to think I could do both. If I am not going to use it, is it just for vanity that I persue it - at the expense of my family and even my professional life? I mean, Bean didn't want to go to his childminder today (the first day ever he hasn't and it was so sad), I haven't worked today as my brain is too scatty (am a bit under the weather) and I feel dreadful about this. So dreadful. And I have the deadline of may next year looming, looming, looming - it is all I think about. And I have no money. Would it be so bad to stop? And go out and get a job I would actually like for two days a week, earning money and gaining experience? Would anyone really care that I didn't finish apart from me?
Maybe it is really selfish to carry on doing this.
I am going to talk to DB tonight. I don't think I can carry on living this life where I am niether a happy, stay at home mum or a good worker. I am doing neither very well and feel like such a massive disappointment.
Then I think of my funding and feel sick about it all.
What am I to do?
x J
But I am stresssssssssssssssssssssssed and very, very unhappy. I haven't worked because i can barely remember what I was doing last week. Even though i worked at the weekend and in the evenings and tried to stay on top of it, without working for hours every day I can't keep up with it.
I am thinking about jacking it all in. If DB is right, and this is a hobby (he sincerely regrets saying that btw, it just sticks in my head) then why am i doing this? Because this is NOT a hobby! It is hideous! It is a half life, a shadow over everything I do - and for what? I won't work in academia. I won't work in any job for about 10 years while I am bringing up small kids. And when I do I want to work in charities, and not on a giant scale at that. If I carry on with this the likelihood is that I will be overqualified for the kind of work I want to do! I like my work but hate the side-effects and the stress it is causing with each missed deadline and I can't concentrate.
I am finding it really hard to work without a supervisor :0( I have no one to talk to or check in to. but if I make a fuss about it then someone may step up and start making deadlines for me that are impossible to keep with a Bean. Bean still isn't sleeping through and is very jealous of my work. I can hardly work in the hosue with him around cause I hear him shouting for me downstairs all the time. I tell DB to take him out but how bossy can I/should I be?! It's their house too!
I want to finish. I really do and I know that if I don't I will always regret it. But I don't know if I CAN without working on it all the time. Other mums work part time on it and manage, I know, but they must be so clever and adaptable. I am not clever, I got onto this course from working 15 hour days and thinking of little else. I was naive to think I could do both. If I am not going to use it, is it just for vanity that I persue it - at the expense of my family and even my professional life? I mean, Bean didn't want to go to his childminder today (the first day ever he hasn't and it was so sad), I haven't worked today as my brain is too scatty (am a bit under the weather) and I feel dreadful about this. So dreadful. And I have the deadline of may next year looming, looming, looming - it is all I think about. And I have no money. Would it be so bad to stop? And go out and get a job I would actually like for two days a week, earning money and gaining experience? Would anyone really care that I didn't finish apart from me?
Maybe it is really selfish to carry on doing this.
I am going to talk to DB tonight. I don't think I can carry on living this life where I am niether a happy, stay at home mum or a good worker. I am doing neither very well and feel like such a massive disappointment.
Then I think of my funding and feel sick about it all.
What am I to do?
x J
3 comments:
Hi, I haven’t commented before but I just wanted to say please don’t give up! I’ve been reading your blog for a while. I actually found it one day when I was finding the whole process pretty tough going (now in final year and trying to write-up!) and it was great (if that's the right word to use!) to find forums and like-minded people who were feeling the same things that I was. As you're quite close to submission, I really just wanted to say I hope you don’t quit. You’re nearly done. I know it’s really tough going but at least if you finish it you’ll never look back. Now if I’m struggling I try to take time out, or set myself a set time for working, for a few hours or whatever. I think we all just do what we can to get there in the end, even if it’s only by small steps – we’ll get there eventually and that’s what counts. But please don't berate yourself - you’re not being selfish or doing a bad job. Sometimes I think we punish ourselves too much and are our own greatest critics. Just wanted to say all the best, hope everything works out well for you. Hang on in there, we're almost done!
Jayney, mate, I know (almost) exactly how you feel. The only thing keeping me going at this point is how I'd feel a year from now or whenever, having left the PhD.
I know it feels pointless now, I know you're having a hard time, and no amount of anyone (except DB!?) telling you otherwise will make a difference when you're feeling like this.
This is going to end, though. It will be over.
Thinking of you. x
Thanks guys ;0) It does help to think that people out there are also finding it hard going but that you keep on going. I shall pay heed to your kind encouragment and advices. Thanks again.
x J
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