I got a reply from my Sup!
He was lovely. Reassured me that anxiety at this stage is perfectly normal but not to let it control you. To know that it is only three months, then I will never, ever have to do this again. That being a PhD scholar is a great thing to be proud of. That when I have finished next year I can take bean to the zoo all the time (too true, all those lovely long days of freedom! One big giant holiday of amazingness!) He said that I should watch an hour of tv every night before going to sleep - or even better go for a run (I know, I know, I should run. I don't want to run). And to talk to myself about it all day, write a sentence and build it up to five sentences and not get bogged down by the wider implications of getting it done. And not to get stressed about it and enjoy chrimbo.
He is so wise. And even though I *know* all of this, and tell myself these things all the time, it is nice to hear it from someone wiser than yourself isn't it. I love having a supervisor. And also, he *didn't* say, which is very important, 'OH NO, OMG YOU WILL NEVER FINISH IN TIME! EEEEEEK IT IS ALL LOST! ALL LOST! QUIT! YOU HAVE FAILED! AND LET EVERYONE DOWN! WASTED THE FUNDING AND ALL MY TIME! GO AWAY LOSER!'
So. I feel most happy and encouraged. AND, i told him my total and final blueprint for my thesis and he pointed me toward an academic who says something wonderfully along the same lines, who will contribute to my thesis, but also shows that I am barking up the right tree. Phew wee. I feel so tired! Like I have been through the wringer today. And, bizarrely, i feel like celebrating. Celebrating being normal, and feeling back in control again. I wish I didn't have these crises of confidence. They waste so much time and energy, and every time is like the first time so I don't learn and just work through it :0( I can't dwell on what a loser I have been wasting this precious, most amazing opportunity though, that would be utterly pointless, particularly since I am almost in a good, positive mood. No, instead I shall draw a line under this particular episode and today entirely. I shall make a cup of coffee and read the paper and take some time for myself (I feel like I am always doing this hehe) and then tomorrow... well, tomorrow is gonna be the best goshdarn schizzle of a working day EVA. I will awake refreshed and positive (I did not wake up feeling this way this morning. more bad dreams of doom) and work reasonably hard (really hard, actually, but don't want to frighten myself again) and really make inroads into this chapter.
In fact, I think I will just make a coffee and a crumpet and go to the chapter now and make it so when I come back tomorrow I am confident about where I am. Do a bit of structuring and signposting. Yep. And I will do this downstairs as this room at nightime is well depressing.
Still not crying. Almost smiling. Might even whistle. Nope, no whistling yet. It's annoying anyway and what would I whistle?
x J
He was lovely. Reassured me that anxiety at this stage is perfectly normal but not to let it control you. To know that it is only three months, then I will never, ever have to do this again. That being a PhD scholar is a great thing to be proud of. That when I have finished next year I can take bean to the zoo all the time (too true, all those lovely long days of freedom! One big giant holiday of amazingness!) He said that I should watch an hour of tv every night before going to sleep - or even better go for a run (I know, I know, I should run. I don't want to run). And to talk to myself about it all day, write a sentence and build it up to five sentences and not get bogged down by the wider implications of getting it done. And not to get stressed about it and enjoy chrimbo.
He is so wise. And even though I *know* all of this, and tell myself these things all the time, it is nice to hear it from someone wiser than yourself isn't it. I love having a supervisor. And also, he *didn't* say, which is very important, 'OH NO, OMG YOU WILL NEVER FINISH IN TIME! EEEEEEK IT IS ALL LOST! ALL LOST! QUIT! YOU HAVE FAILED! AND LET EVERYONE DOWN! WASTED THE FUNDING AND ALL MY TIME! GO AWAY LOSER!'
So. I feel most happy and encouraged. AND, i told him my total and final blueprint for my thesis and he pointed me toward an academic who says something wonderfully along the same lines, who will contribute to my thesis, but also shows that I am barking up the right tree. Phew wee. I feel so tired! Like I have been through the wringer today. And, bizarrely, i feel like celebrating. Celebrating being normal, and feeling back in control again. I wish I didn't have these crises of confidence. They waste so much time and energy, and every time is like the first time so I don't learn and just work through it :0( I can't dwell on what a loser I have been wasting this precious, most amazing opportunity though, that would be utterly pointless, particularly since I am almost in a good, positive mood. No, instead I shall draw a line under this particular episode and today entirely. I shall make a cup of coffee and read the paper and take some time for myself (I feel like I am always doing this hehe) and then tomorrow... well, tomorrow is gonna be the best goshdarn schizzle of a working day EVA. I will awake refreshed and positive (I did not wake up feeling this way this morning. more bad dreams of doom) and work reasonably hard (really hard, actually, but don't want to frighten myself again) and really make inroads into this chapter.
In fact, I think I will just make a coffee and a crumpet and go to the chapter now and make it so when I come back tomorrow I am confident about where I am. Do a bit of structuring and signposting. Yep. And I will do this downstairs as this room at nightime is well depressing.
Still not crying. Almost smiling. Might even whistle. Nope, no whistling yet. It's annoying anyway and what would I whistle?
x J
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