Arf. I just took the plunge and emailed my Sup to say that I think I am f*cked.
He sent me a lovely email wishing me a happy Xmas, no mention of the fact I am meant to be sending him my first draft any day now... So I emailed back saying thanks and decided it was probably about time I admitted where I am (not) with my work. I haven't come clean for hmmm... about a year?! It's not like I have been lying, more that I have been bigging up what I am doing and not mentioning what I am not doing/have not done. I said about how I wasn't sleeping for worry but that I am sure this is normal at this stage, but was so concerned with disappointing people if I shoould happen to not manage it on time. i said about how this past month Bean and I had had norovirus and about my childminder cancelling on me and that although I am working evenings and weekends this is in no way full-time. I really hope that he emails back saying either yes, two weeks per chapter is fine, you can do it keep going or No, you shan't finish on time, here have an extension/go and see so-and-so, it doesn't matter, just get it done bla bla. I said that I hadn't wanted to mention anything and had been putting my worries down to being a bad patch but that I thought I should bring it to his attention before it was too late. It is most definitely getting to a stage where every day i don't produce stirling work is a nightmare, I just have to work really, really, well - but then, like this weekend, I heap so much pressure and expectation on myself I can barely think! My mind is like butterflies. And I cry alot ;0) Does everyone cry a lot at this stage? I expect to cry a bit, but a lot... I am feeling that every new bad patch is worse than the one before. I can't give up, I know this, I think I just need some breathing space. But I have NO TIME for breathing space. No time.
I am panicking. It is because I absolutely have to have this chapter done for tomorrow night but I know this isn't possible. but I have to. I have no room in my schedule for missing deadlines, and perversly knowing this makes me unable to concentrate. I am too busy trying to desperately look for a way out. I need calm I suppose. The irritating thing is, and I am glad I have had this time to know this, but I am sure I would work better if bean and Db were here! How funny and silly. If they were here I would be cursing their presence I know, but NOW I know that the whole day stretching out with only work to do is actually daunting, and unhelpful at this stage of work. I need to be able to be distracted, just for five or ten minutes, then to come back to work. I work best in 4/5 hour hard bursts than 12 hours of unending 'concentration'. But I didn't know this before! And they have gone away so I can work and all I can do is stare at it, feel confused and then panicky and then cry and feel like I am letting all these kind people down.
I wish I could leave :0( I am a quitter, I know this. I love quitting stuff that makes me feel bad! But I know I can't quit this and find that really, really annoying.
I know I have to stop whining and get on. And the thing is, I don't whine much in real life - that is what this blig is for though i suppose, it is my headspace. I am sad for any of you people who have to read my stream of shitty consciousness though ;0)
right, back to work. back to not knowing what the heck I am saying, or why, or who even cares, and anyway it isn't going to be finished on time and I will be kicked out so why bother? and cue more crying ;0)
x J
(am not crying actually. am fine)
He sent me a lovely email wishing me a happy Xmas, no mention of the fact I am meant to be sending him my first draft any day now... So I emailed back saying thanks and decided it was probably about time I admitted where I am (not) with my work. I haven't come clean for hmmm... about a year?! It's not like I have been lying, more that I have been bigging up what I am doing and not mentioning what I am not doing/have not done. I said about how I wasn't sleeping for worry but that I am sure this is normal at this stage, but was so concerned with disappointing people if I shoould happen to not manage it on time. i said about how this past month Bean and I had had norovirus and about my childminder cancelling on me and that although I am working evenings and weekends this is in no way full-time. I really hope that he emails back saying either yes, two weeks per chapter is fine, you can do it keep going or No, you shan't finish on time, here have an extension/go and see so-and-so, it doesn't matter, just get it done bla bla. I said that I hadn't wanted to mention anything and had been putting my worries down to being a bad patch but that I thought I should bring it to his attention before it was too late. It is most definitely getting to a stage where every day i don't produce stirling work is a nightmare, I just have to work really, really, well - but then, like this weekend, I heap so much pressure and expectation on myself I can barely think! My mind is like butterflies. And I cry alot ;0) Does everyone cry a lot at this stage? I expect to cry a bit, but a lot... I am feeling that every new bad patch is worse than the one before. I can't give up, I know this, I think I just need some breathing space. But I have NO TIME for breathing space. No time.
I am panicking. It is because I absolutely have to have this chapter done for tomorrow night but I know this isn't possible. but I have to. I have no room in my schedule for missing deadlines, and perversly knowing this makes me unable to concentrate. I am too busy trying to desperately look for a way out. I need calm I suppose. The irritating thing is, and I am glad I have had this time to know this, but I am sure I would work better if bean and Db were here! How funny and silly. If they were here I would be cursing their presence I know, but NOW I know that the whole day stretching out with only work to do is actually daunting, and unhelpful at this stage of work. I need to be able to be distracted, just for five or ten minutes, then to come back to work. I work best in 4/5 hour hard bursts than 12 hours of unending 'concentration'. But I didn't know this before! And they have gone away so I can work and all I can do is stare at it, feel confused and then panicky and then cry and feel like I am letting all these kind people down.
I wish I could leave :0( I am a quitter, I know this. I love quitting stuff that makes me feel bad! But I know I can't quit this and find that really, really annoying.
I know I have to stop whining and get on. And the thing is, I don't whine much in real life - that is what this blig is for though i suppose, it is my headspace. I am sad for any of you people who have to read my stream of shitty consciousness though ;0)
right, back to work. back to not knowing what the heck I am saying, or why, or who even cares, and anyway it isn't going to be finished on time and I will be kicked out so why bother? and cue more crying ;0)
x J
(am not crying actually. am fine)
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