Ah cripes, I can't work.
I just feel so fu*king sad today. I absolutely *have* to work, I have to work like a machine! My first draft is in in 26 days and I have four chapters to write. I have no time to sit here crying.
What the hell am to do. I have about 15% of my brain for working, the rest is just off in sad fairyland. I have done some stuff but it just isn't making any sense, I can't hold the big picture in my head so basically I am just absentmindedly picking up and putting down jigsaw puzzle pieces.
I can't tell my Sup because I might NOT have lost the baby, they could actually just be hiding from the sonographer. I can't think this is true though and have to prepare for the worst which leaves me in two working weeks worth of limbo until the scan. If bubs has died then I have to go through sorting all that out with an op at the hosp and, I assume, grieving process after. I feel so awful and sad, i just can't describe it.
I absolutely must have this easter break to work but think I have to ask DP to stay here with me in case anything happens and I don't think I am very good alone at the mo. Which means I won't work as much as I wanted to.
Any other time of the PhD I would have just shut up shop for a couple of weeks and no-one would have noticed. Now I am in this pickle and under so much pressure it would make me cry anyway without this. I hate that I cannot mourn the loss of my bubs because of the bloody PhD and ESRC funding deadline pressure.
Shit and tits.
x J
I just feel so fu*king sad today. I absolutely *have* to work, I have to work like a machine! My first draft is in in 26 days and I have four chapters to write. I have no time to sit here crying.
What the hell am to do. I have about 15% of my brain for working, the rest is just off in sad fairyland. I have done some stuff but it just isn't making any sense, I can't hold the big picture in my head so basically I am just absentmindedly picking up and putting down jigsaw puzzle pieces.
I can't tell my Sup because I might NOT have lost the baby, they could actually just be hiding from the sonographer. I can't think this is true though and have to prepare for the worst which leaves me in two working weeks worth of limbo until the scan. If bubs has died then I have to go through sorting all that out with an op at the hosp and, I assume, grieving process after. I feel so awful and sad, i just can't describe it.
I absolutely must have this easter break to work but think I have to ask DP to stay here with me in case anything happens and I don't think I am very good alone at the mo. Which means I won't work as much as I wanted to.
Any other time of the PhD I would have just shut up shop for a couple of weeks and no-one would have noticed. Now I am in this pickle and under so much pressure it would make me cry anyway without this. I hate that I cannot mourn the loss of my bubs because of the bloody PhD and ESRC funding deadline pressure.
Shit and tits.
x J
2 comments:
Wish I could help :( I can't imagine how awful you must feel. xxxx The only thing I can suggest is that we do this together -- I'm writing up too, as you know, and it's pure procrastination that's stopping me from getting it over with. I'm going to make my deadline 25 days from now, too -- if I can help you even a tiny bit as much as you've helped me over the last four years, I'm more than happy to try... xxxx
If you can be helped by my whining then your motivation is greater than you think!
Be well and GOOD LUCK! x
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