Rethink!

I have tried to work. Not very hard, because I don't want to work. In fact, I find the whole thing totally pointless and a drain. Why on *earth* do I care about Habermasian interpretations of Marxist theory?! My brain is just not bothered to think about it, let alone any possible connotations these interpretations have for my PhD's methodology. I also know this is not a constant lethargy that I battle with but temporary, and therefore I am going to leave it for now. I think I shall off until I am back from my B'day break - about this time next week. I am going to sleep, have baths, go jogging, read novels in the spring sun by the window, go on the internet, make a herb garden, make my Dad's wee memorial garden, have my birthday and just take time off. I haven't had any time off for months anyway - I had a week in India and I don't remember my last structured break before that. Spain in June I expect.

Now I am thinking of taking some time for myself I realise that although I have not been productive these past few weeks it has not been time 'off' in any way. I mean, I haven't benefitted from it by feeling stronger and rejuvenated when I sit to work. Quite the opposite in fact. I mean, this year I have abruptly moved from one country to another, moved house, and had to organise and go to my Dad's funeral. And my darling little brother is now suffering from depression and my Mum needs looking after while she comes to terms with being a Widow. Any one of these is bad enough stress-wise and a bit draining. It took me the weekend to realise I felt tired and stressed, and yesterday and today to realise that I can't just get back into life yet. But I have realised and that is the main thing. I read a wonderful article in the Guardian about a woman who had lost her husband of 60 years, and how she is getting on with her life. In it there were two great nuggets of advice for how to cope after a horrible bereavement; 1 - you are not going to be able to do very much for the next few weeks, you won't want to go out much or see many people - but that is ok. For a while. And another; 2 - go under or get on with life. So some time for myelf is needed to get stronger and come to terms with these feelings I have - but then back to work and life, in a new and changed - but not necessarily worse - way.

I am sure I am always saying on this blog that I am not going to work! I can't imagine anyone reading it would think I actually do any work to take off from... But then, so much of this PhD is about becoming mature in your own self-confidence, in making decisions despite imaginings of what others may think of you (slacker, not dedicated, going to fail). Because at some point you realise those imaginings are just you commenting on yourself - OR, if other people think these things - let them think them. I can stand up for myself. And so that is that. I work no more. I shall return, with some verve and post-holiday blues (hopefully! that would mean it worked!) in a week. I may even take two weeks if that is necessary. I will blog though, just for a gabble.

I am off to make a sweet cup of tea and read my book on a bean bag in my Darling Boy's big ol' hoody.

x J