umm

Today I say at my desk all day...

and looked up accommodation for my and DB's trip away after the presentation and for his beeday... and bought him some beeday pressies... and emailed my friends... and pondered.

Decided in the end to email my work to my Sup - the 6,000 words I wrote last week for the conference - and await his response before moving on too much with it. I tried to work on it all day and it took me that long to realise I wasn't avoiding it as such, I just wasn't sure what I was meant to be doing with it! I mean, do I spend days re-writing it for Sup just for him to tell me to write it again for whatever reason? What's the point in that? I may as well send it to him as it is now, and then if he tells me it is trash I haven't wasted days editing it for no reason. If he says it is good this will give me some lovely, much-needed motivation to tighten it up and make it PhD-worthy. Whatever happens, I realised I could do with some outside input before moving on with it. Is the beginning of term so am not expecting a quick reply, but feel happy that I have sent something with some depth to him to show am not just sitting at home being pregnant and absent-minded... (shhh, don't tell him!)

I have eczema coming up on my fingers and it itches me :0( Is a sign of the cooler times obviously. Am feeling quite christmassy! May be peaking a bit early?!!

Oh, I emailed an Indian contact who has offered their translation services too... please, please help me! Oh AND I heard from my RA over the weekend, after I sent him an email saying that time was running out about the translation work and could he donate the money I paid in advance to his NGO, saying he will have it done soon. Excellent, I love 'soon'...

Tomorrow I am going to get out my revised chapter outline and, I think, get out the info for the next chapter, which is the 'Indian voice'... I have quite a bit of info already, before needing the interviews... I will sort out the conference presentation when I have heard from my Sup, made the necessary amendments and can start it with confidence that that is actually what I am going to say! No point working on it if my Sup tells me not to use any of it! I want to have the pres planned out and written for the end of the month ideally. Then I just need to practice it, but can have my 'day job' as the next chapter. Am running out of time!!

I had an epiphany about the conference last night which caused me to have a lovely nights sleep ;0) I realised that even if I stammer and stutter and give the worst presentation ever - what can *actually* happen to me? Will I be marked badly and have to repeat it? No. Will people jeer at me and throw tomatoes? No. Will I fail my PhD? No. An exam of some kind? No. This is the first presentation I have *ever* had to do that is purely to disseminate information, without fear of retribution. The only thing at stake is my pride, and if I work hard and practice, practice, practice, then even if it is terrible on the day, if I feel that I worked hard and tried my best then I can't feel bad about it. All I have to be worried about is being nervous doing the presentation - but there is really no need, it should be fun in a twisted way! I get to show off my ideas to like-minded geeks! We are all there at this big geek assembly to talk about waht we love most - politics. And we all talk to each other about it, in presentations, and ask each other questions, we agree and disagree and get off on it! So, with that in mind, I have much more calm. I felt that I was being marked, was going to be humiliated - that it was, ultimately, a test but it ISN'T.

Thank goodness!

x J