Cripes

Ug, I have been up since 7am as there was an almighty bang and a car crash outside our house! Luckily no one was hurt, DB ran outside to see if he could help anyone and I stayed in bed all freaked out. Was horrible actually.

Didn't get back to sleep and am now feeling achy and shivery and nasty. I really, really don't want to be ill! What on earth should I do if I have flu tomorrow? Should I stay at home or go with my germs?! Would I need a doctors note? Doctors won't see you if you have flu actually, you have a ring a special line as, well, a) it is a virus so is nothing they can do anyway and b) it could be the piggy flu which spreads like wildfire, funnily enough they don't want it in their waiting rooms.

Am being very presumptious, am sure I will be as right as rain after a shower.

Will have said shower and then run through my presentation. Today is our changeover week day, so are 29 weeks preggers! Can't WAIT for next week and being 30 weeks - we shall be on holiday then too so can really chill and celebrate. Anyway, means we have to get celebratory grubbins which would be a takeaway but we have our antenatal class all evening so may get a bacon buttie - though am feeling sickly now :0( To the shower!

SOOOO, will read through the pres, have some food, hopefully feel better, and I want to go though my interviews from India so I have a better understanding of the emipirical side to my arguments for the conference. Will generally make me feel quite thorough in my knowledge and so, more confident. I am fine about it, really, what can happen. I vomit all over myself, I mutter the presentation, I get asked questions I can't possibly answer and then run away afterwards and don't go back. I don't want to be an academic anyway so their opinions, if negative (!) don't mean anything apart from to my *pride*. Obviously, I have coined this new concept and term and would dearly love it to take off in IR speak and become something worth talking about, I would love to be published and for people to be interested in my ideas... but this is just ego. When I have finished this PhD, it is finished. I will write it into a book that no one wants to publish, have another gorgeous baby, and then look around me when I am about 35 and work out my next manoevre - porobably into a local charity or policy for local government.

It will be FINE.

Is it just me, overreacting and being so nervous? I haven't done public speaking for a couple of years - I did a presentation at the end of my first year - which, incidentally, was *terrible*. I tried to say too much, too fast and was quite shrill and incoherent. It was at the end of a long, long day of other (boring) presentations, to an intimate gathering of 10, and I was so lonely and unconfident and hadn't practised enough. (Got a merit for it though ;0)) Anyway, this time it is well practiced, has been months in the making in general, has been vetted (sort of) by my sup who said I will be a star (high praise indeed from someone who doesn't do praise!), will be in the middle of the first day, after lunch, in a biggish lecture hall (I think it is the biggest hall actually as it is where the keynote address is and the morning welcome chat...) and with a panel. I am horribly nervous. Worth it though for when it is done, I will be so proud of myself and can slowly let myself slip slide into the vagueness of pregnancy and motherhood knowing I have left my work, for now, on a high :0)

Begone darned virus! Begone!

x J