Friendly intimidation...

I find it a real anomaly that I can be pretty confident in what I am doing, almost 'coasting' along (for now) basking in the praise of my Sup from my transfer meeting... and then I come across another PhD student. Even if they are my friend, the loveliest friend in the world ever, I feel intimidated by their prowess, by their tenacity, by their work ethic and hectic social life. By their commitment and general all-round seriousness and maturity. In contrast I feel I bumble along, walk into doors and walls, disappear from my desk at the drop of a hat, have hardly any social life because I don't work as much as I should in the day and daren't make arrangements... And I feel bad about all this even though I know this isn't true at all. I know I don't bumble and am, in fact, very organised; I know that I have a good work ethic and don't go out because of this work ethic (changing now though - I can increasingly manage having a PhD workload and a social life). I also know that I, too, am serious, certainly when it comes to the state of international politics and my PhD. I am not mature though. I wonder when that feeling strikes you. Maybe when you are a parent?! Probably never I think...

I hate this insecurity. This need to be like other people. It's as if I am bored of myself, and the way other people live/address their work is that much more interesting and unequivocally better simply because I don't do it. Maybe there is a hint of low self-esteem in there?!! (Do we think?! hehe.) It is like, if other people don't do things the way I do them, then my way is probably wrong. This is a bad way to think methinks. Why think this?! I shall change it henceforth!

I want to do something exciting soon. Maybe go to the beach. DB and I are traditional beach-dwellers from the Westcountry (no accents please) and up in this part of the world it is beautiful, but no sea. I am dying to go to an old-school beach resort and eat fish and chips while strolling along the promenade... My sis and I went into the sea in Spain and it was fantastic fun and really warm... Shan't be like that here I know... Maybe I shall talk to DB about it later and arrange something for this weekend! Yeah!

Am thinking of joining squash club at the leisure centre. I love squash but never get to play it and have been too shy to join anywhere. I feel in way like I am coming out of some kind of PhD-induced social cocoon. Last year I was soooooooo stressed about failing and being kicked out, my Sup admitting that he go it wrong and I am not able to do this PhD after all. 'You are the weakest link, goodbye.' So I worked my socks off and hardly went out and did, unsurprisingly, have a bit of a personal wobble in June, and again post-MRes dissertation in Sept. Since then I have been determined to look after myself more and realised that if I were to work all day every day and place myself under such perfectionist pressure for the next few years, I would just pass out. Literally. So this year has been so much more structured and I have learnt to not feel guilty in my 'time off'. When I have a deadline I work very hard, but other than that I am in this for the long haul and need to be the tortoise not the hare. And it seems to be working. And so, I feel better in myself and am slowly coming out of my work bolthole and sniffing the air. Am very pleased with this! Let's get out there! Let's see the world!

Ah. the sun is out today - can you tell?!

Must get back to Kaldor.

Laters!

x J