The Big Christmas Sulk

Happy Christmas and New Year!

If you are reading this then you too are rather too addicted to your work and I suggest you close your computer down and go and do something else for a day or two - ain't nothing gonna change in the long run.

However, I cannot follow my own advice, and so am sat reading conference papers when I know that in England I would be drunk from the night before and engaging in much festive revelry with my nearest and dearest... Arg.

Fieldwork is great, don't get me wrong, and I adore being here and love this opportunity to visit this country and live here. But, but, but... It is sometimes just too much. You are not your own master - your environment is, you cannot switch off however much you try; you cannot leave, so it feels claustrophobic; and you cannot always be productive but always feel that you should be. Every day should produce something new - or what is the point of being here?

And so with all of this in my head, I am ploughing on, begrudgingly. I am sure that I am rubbish at research. I really don't like the constant questioning and networking and socialising with people I wouldn't normally hang around with. Not only is this unpleasant for me, but it is also not nice hanging round with people pretending to be their friend just to get info from them in the long run. This feels like being some kind of hack! I am not sure about it at all. I used to think all I wanted to do was research, now I think all I want to do is do obvious research - e.g. super-structured interviews and not all this fake ethnography lark - or settle down somewhere and have a family and a cup of tea.

To be honest I am losing all enthusiasm for this course. All of it. I think I am in a slump and really hope I will come out of it - otherwise finishing is going to be such a drudge. I shan't get out though! I shall complete. I just am not happy right now - this research malarky is ridiculously hard. I don't think I have the personal strength to tell myself when to stop working and not feel guilty - like in my first year, working at home. So I always feel bad if I am not working, and cross and irritated when I am. No win eh?! Like I took a day off for xmas and felt terrible last night, like I had been away for ages?! It is the constant pressure to achieve, get knowledge that is valid and reliable and meaningful. But how? For whom? Where? What if I don't? These questions are totally stressing me out and making me unhappy in my work.

I hate it and want it to go away. I have only three months left to do two good case studies. this is almost impossble - they will both be lacking in depth and info with only 6 weeks on each. So what's the point? :0( I can't badger people for info to their face, and am shy to meet people and pump them for info about something really sad to them. I am just no good at this! I am also full of regret about 'wasting ' the past month or so. I know I haven't wasted it but that knowledge is buried deep under my worry.

I don't know what to do.

I guess I will sit and think and wonder and worry. And then hopefully after I have done some reading, spent some time away from the field in Goa and come back on the 13 Jan, I will be refreshed and new and happy again.

I wonder if this can all be boiled down to three main concerns: 1) If I had longer in the field I wouldn't be so stressed and pressured. It is hard to be sociable and under pressure at the same time. You can't have normal conversations but feel like getting to the point asap so as not to waste time. No time to schmooze!
and
2) I don't know how much I want to continue with this field of work when I have finished the course. I would like to do something else, pass on my learning maybe as a teacher. But conferences? Presentations and panels? Working on the corrupt mess that is the international political/humanitarian/economic sphere? They don't fill me with glee. Actually, they fill me with horror and boredom. But I owe it to so many people to go 'up' in this field. My Sup who gave me this opportunity, the ESRC for their generous funding, my Mum for her pride in me, and DB for putting up with me being a skint student for the past gazillion years. I can't think of anything worse that being suited and booted and in the UN or a think tank, going over the same problems time and time again.
and
3) I have followed my head and put off my dream to have a family until I am near completion. This is making me really sad and lacking in verve for the future I think. I wonder how much the sacrifice of not having a family yet will put stress on my happiness, to the point where having a wee bairn and being happy in my life - and consequently my work/life would be preferable - despite the late nights and worry about childcare. I am putting it off because I am also worried about completing on time. It is essential for my deptartment that funded students complete on time. So we get a year less than the average PhD student because we have none of the buffer of the 'writing up' year. But we get paid, I know, I am not complaining. Just worried about letting people down. I wonder if in my heart of hearts I am seeing the PhD as a direct threat/barrier to my dreams of a family I have had for years. And therefore begrudging it and wanting it to be over, so I can start being happy in my life and have a family. Because I can't have one and do the PhD, nononono, I will be told off. I am told that I can't do both, the PhD will suffer. (but who cares?! I can prove them wrong, right?)

What do I do? :0(

x J