Research Fatigue

Since my post this morning, and more gradually as the day progresses, I can feel myself slump into research apathy.

I am normally really grateful for my experiences here, for being able to take part in Indian life and culture for such an extended period of time, being able to wallow in another life, to be able to learn about my topic in a 'real' way, to develop new leads and knowledge... Not today. It started last night really, when we were walking to dinner and I realised for the first time the place was just too damn loud! India is so loud, busy and 'close' and normally I love the energy, and think of home and recoil at how lonely and intraverted lives are. Not then though, it was just in my face. Today I increasingly feel the same and just cannot wait to get home to my sanctuary and lie down and zone out in front of the tele. I can't bear to think about work really - I can 't even grasp the thoughts too well. It is a big jumble too close to my eyes and I can't focus on it.

I think it may be time for a break. I have so much literature to read, and people to contact and a whole world to understand in such a short space of time. And so I am suffering from complete brain meltdown. So, I am going to spend the weekend pretty much ignoring my work (should read some articles really, won't do any harm, just don't stress about analysing and thinking) and xmas shopping, and may do something touristy. I just have to think that I am only 'on' until Weds. I have agreed to go and see these projects on Weds (xmas eve) and am really regretting it now. Maybe come Weds I will be sparky again, but am sure I will resent the intrusion into my christmas time, especially since I won't get home until late evening and it will be a really stressful day! And a bit pointless cause I can see these projects anytime.

I think I am just winding down for the holidays, but also trying to grimly hang on to my enthusiasm, like if I let go of it for a while I worry I will lose it entirely and just get homesick and not want to be here ever again. Which is silly. I am really looking forward to getting back from Goa all refreshed, clean of mind and spirit, and ready to bounce back into it again.

Thing is, I feel like this but I haven't actually done anything yet?!! Ug, imagine how tired I will feel in April! I do sometimes think that in a lot of ways maybe it is a blessing that I have this April deadline, because it makes me focus and work hard, but also means I will be able to get out before I start wasting time and getting too tired. But then again, I could really do with some more months...

Tummy ache!

x J