Drama Queen

Ok, so yesterday I may have been a little dramatic. The sentiments are true enough, but today I am dealing with them much better!

I think yesterday, if I were at home, I would have closed my books, closed my study door, got myself lots of schnaffles and tea and watched re-runs of some soap omnibus or other. I would have been savvy and known that I was just stressing and to get away from the work for a while, let it get some perspective. But here that is impossible. Everywhere is my office, is a book to learn from. Nowhere can I hide from work. And that is hard to deal with. I should learn from this and realise that an unscheduled day off now and then if I need it will not create havoc or failure. I felt instead that I should think and think and think. Until I nearly popped. Luckily DB led my babbling self to a local tourist spot for a vodka and coke and a rant. A few hours later I was almost coherent. Today I have even smiled!

Today I have actually been the definition of a busy fool. Today is in fact sunday, a day of rest - or so it would be if I was not here, in my work land all the time! I have been busy working out how to get to my second field site, and decided to go there first. I have a dilemma see... Do I go to the site 1, that is lovely, it is easy for me to get around, I have seen it, I have a contact, I have anecdotal evidence that makes it very interesting for my research, - but is not gritty or even the worst affected area. Or do I go to site 2 first, which I do not know about, do not have a contact in, haven't seen, is hundreds of kms south, but is possibly the main, and best, site?

Arg, I know I am repeating myself. Today I decided to go to site 2 first. Now I am thinking that my original plan to go to happy site 1 first would be best, get me some confidence and cheer me up a bit (yes, I am glum! well, happy glum). I think I just need more time overall. Then I would not be having this convo at all, it wouldn't matter. I would spend 6-7 weeks in each, with time to spare, and potter round asking q's with no sense of a ticking clock behind me. It is important to think about that.

I tell you what is happening. I am getting stressed, and in being stressed I am trying to control my environment. Which is uncontrollable, and unpredictable. So I am getting more stressed, and trying to control it even more, and again failing to find any answers - because as yet, there aren't any. Dope! And so am constantly frustrated, unable to control or predict anything, and therefore am failing and being cross and miserable. Bizarrely, what I have to do is to totally let go and do what I can for now (read at a library) and kind of know that other things will work themselves out in time. I can't possibly say whether site 1/2 will be brilliant or rubbish, I just cannot know that. Until I am there, doing it, or until my time ahs come to review my progress. And the worrying thing is, is that this takes time. I cannot go to site one, and within a week know whether it wll work for me or not. I have to cultivate relationships and a presence, and this takes time - only after a month or so will I know. And by that time, another month has gone by that may yield as little info as my month in Chennai has done. But, I cannot know.

I don't like not knowing! Arg!

I need to shut up, open my ears, get to the library for a few days, have a week off, then go to site no. 1 and cheer the heck up.

:0)
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