Thinking

Today you find me a much *much* happier person! I spent the weekend thinking, thinking, and have come up with some solutions! I actually just sat, and thought. For hours.

I was having such a problem with how to make the best of my time here, and horrified by the thought that I will go home knowing nothing more. I am a terrible networker - I can't stand ringing people, I can't stand asking people for favours, I hate interrupting people and definitely cannot 'bother' people. I am very restrained and polite, and a bit shy. So, I think it is evident that networking - a skill which requires the phone more often than not, a certain amount of confidence and social bravado and persistence - is not my bag. And I feel really bad about this all the time, really guilty and inadequate. However...

(Hang on...)

Ah. Am back - just went to get myself a we thimble of chai to help along my musings.

Right yes, however, I am good at approaching people if I have made acceptable overtures and am expected in some way. What I don't know what to do is approach people who have ignored me. This has been bugging me - I know that these big orgs that I have emailed (twice now) will ignore this email again. This could be for any reason, and I have to remember this, and not just assume they all hate me. It could be because their email is down, or their fingers have all been broken, and as much as they would like to, they just can't type or dial my number! Oh dear. I should halt my paranoid suspicions of ill-will toward me. So, with this in mind, I shall ring the orgs I emailed last week, next week. I shall see what happens. Ug. Generally though, I have realised that networking with these orgs is not the be-all and end-all of my work. In fact, I will manage quite well without them! This has made me feel so much more relaxed, and turned my networking attempts into something proactive, rather than something that is obviously failing.

Also, I have worked out that one of my key research sites is much more accessible than I thought. One of the main reasons I wanted to contact Big Org peeps in Chennai is because, admittedly, I lost focus and thought they were my prime target interviewees - they aren't - and also to get a contact from them of someone on a field site further south, As you go south, in my imagination, it all becomes so much more barren and people don't speak english and there are few reasons to be there if you were not born there. And so I would stick out like a sore thumb and could never approach villagers randomly like some bumbling colonialite anthropologist from the 50's... But it turns out, by chance, I read in a wee paragraph that there are still plenty of signs pointing to rehab projects and inviting visitors! WOOT! Also, there are places to stay in and around so that is *fab* and all of a sudden that stage of the research is not so fearsome. Networking in person I can do. When I have to.

I have also worked out how best to spend my months here. My main worry is that this month in Chennai may lack fruit but I am doing my best to make sure that doesn't happen. I will approach this org I am volunteering with next week (after been here a month), to ask if they are going to use me for any Tsunami projects/get interviewees/meet old project peeps. So that will be big. And maybe they can introduce me/give me a name for someone at another org involved in the Tsunami, in chennai. See, it may yet work itself out. What I have also thought is this - why can I not get to see the big orgs? Why is it hard for me to talk to anyone at this vol place? This is, in itself, research. Because, these orgs mimic the INGOs I am critiquing from home - they are built on strict hierarchy, with ceilings - that mean if you are under a ceiling you shall not be able to see - let alone access - the bigwigs. So even though i am volunteering, I will have to get on then phone to talk to anyone. Plus, here no one talks to me! I am so ignored! They don't even say hello. :0( I smile all the time, but sadly have a desk facing the wall so am smiling at my laptop. Booo. I digress - it is also interesting why the orgs do not seem to really talk amongst each other. Again, this arguably mimics the West where a lot of big orgs work in cooperation but also in institutional competition with each other. Self preservation is King, which can compromise true humanitarian acitivity. So one could say - this is very layman atm I know - please don't email me with well thought-out intellectual critiques!!

So, even an apparent 'dead-end' can be an answer. This is the multi-layered reality of research. I am sure that in the research site I am off to next, where the orgs are teeny tiny and live 'on-site', there will be a different vibe. Or will there? This is all part of the work - what is the nature of contemporary 'humanitarianism'?

I have also decided that unless I end up doing vol work that is directly related to my research here I will leave when I go to Goa on the 2nd. iI will be so sad to not teach any more - I think this is the last week of school before holidays too. But I can't sit here through all of Jan to be polite, when they explicitly said that I could work with their Tsunami projects and as it turns out, I am not. No, we will head to research site number two (am aiming to get a variety to get a general overview of the response) after Goa and stay there until mid Feb. I will get my Ma to come out around the 9 Feb (love her, she is dying to come out and see me and although I have no time to spare, I just cannot say no. I think she is super-keen to see me before my 30th. ahhh) and stay in a posh resort by the beach (while I do work for a few days), and then we will go to a hill station and have some happy chill time. And then, we will go to site number three and four (same region, different towns) for another month until my beeday! After my beeday we will go back to chennai I expect and I can do last minute interviews for the last week, and tie up loose ends. Then home!

I think I shall go back in April. I am sure I can complete the work by then, if it goes horribly wrong then I can always fly out again. Going to Sri Lanka will take too long and they are in a terrible fracas with India. Are threatening bombs in colombo too. Not good. Nepal is no good because there are *no* flights in feb or march - dunno why. Thailand is way, way too expensive, and full of unrest in Bangkok. So is pretty much a no go! But I have worked out my three months of work in my different sites, and will work hard when there so should be ok. Any piece of work will take as long as you have to do it. If I have three months it will take three months, if I have 9 months, it will take nine months. Plus, I have to do interviews at home too before the research side is complete so better get on with that!

These ruminations and conclusions are the fruit of my very lazy, otherwise unproductive, weekend. But I am so much more relaxed about it all.

My office is busy busy this morning! I am wearing my jeans this am, I hope this wasn't the most awful mistake ever but it was quite cool when I got up... I love my jeans!

Better write a story about the cycle of rain...

Byzle!

x J