The courage of conviction

I have been working very hard! Sadly not in the way that I would like, talking to people and gathering a picture of their feelings of the aid-effort, but working nontheless. I read a very interesting article that was given to me about participation in fieldwork, but talks about participation in a very self-reflexive way, that embraces the imagination and the transcendental reality of realities - theirs as well as mine. I like this very much, It hovers in the conceptual gap between relativism and absolutism which is exactly where I have been wanting to be, but not known who talks about doing this, Now I know! I like the middle ground, it seems more reasonable.

Which brings me on to another point. I have realised over the past week that I am not a person who has yet had to make many decisions on my own. I love advice, I seek it from everywhere, and then generally follow what I see best. I am a researcher at heart - I seek information all the time, about everything, and then go with what seems to make the most sense. I am not, however, someone who is very good at making completely independent decisions, and having the courage of my own conviction. Well, no, that isn't true, seeing as to do a PhD in any way one has to be convinced about something no one else is, or about something that no one else has thought of before. I just mean life changing, important decisions are really hard to make on your own! Having DB around also enables me to have a sounding board about most things, although I notice that I am leaving even him behind now, as I get further into the research. I can't explain every nuance of thought and background to things I say any more without sounding like I am giving a lecture. So I just have be sure I can sit back in myself, view my surroundings, and be happy with what I have made for myself.

And so I have decided that going to field site one, a lovely and very accommodating place with even swimming pools in easy reach and western food, is still a very good idea. I was shaken by my meeting with the Academic who gave me an 'in' to a possibly 'better' site, but I shall use that too, and stick to my plan. It was so hard to make this decision! I emailed my Sup about it but have not heard back, which is fair enough. He may not have read it - it being the holiday season, or he may have thought I was big enough and ugly enough to work this out on my own. Having courage to make decisions is dreadfully hard. I have been plagued by doubt - what if this site is rubbish?! What if I am making a dreadful mistake? My last month has been quite a 'waste' in comparison with what I thought I was going to be doing here. I can't afford to waste any more time! *I* think it will be great though, I have my reasons for going and should just rely on them. I think my inability to believe my own decisions shows how low I pitch myself, and my thoughts, in comparison with those (the advice) of other people. Anyone. I need to become stronger, and more self-confident! I am not a total fool and would not go a research site if it wasn't suitable. Which brings me onto another point:

Fieldwork snobbery
Ug this is a hard one. I realised yesterday that so much of my doubt was because field site 2 is going to be that much more 'gritty' and hard going. Much more immersed and in the middle of nowhere. But site one is really pleasant! I can walk everywhere, it is touristy (low season though), the respondants are really close by and constantly visible, there are lots of lcoal orgs to go and talk to/work with, there is lots of nice accommodation, and I can eat chips as well as curry. So it is not gritty or hardgoing, but actually quite an enjoyable option. I am really looking forward to it! Consequently, I feel that I am hardly earning my spurs as a hardcore ethnographic researcher and so am rubbish and taking the easy option, or compromising my work for personal priviledge and laziness... Why do I think this? It isn't true! I make no sense. Anyway, I will be going south to site two soon after, and that will be harder! (who cares?!) And Chennai has been hard work - I am totally miserable and dying to get out. This snobbery I thnk is the root cause for my insecurity. How daft is that?! The work is just as hard, it just means that at the end of a day's researching and interviewing, I can cycle 'home' and get in the pool for a swim. And anyway, knowing research anything could happen! To be honest, my research is always going to be by the sea, and therefore tourism spots are inevitable. And tourism development is part of the critique for my work! I am so ridiculous sometimes, I really give myself a hard time. But anyway, fieldwork snobbery does exist. I should just be confident and proud of my happy option and lack of dengue or bullets or post traumatic stress.

Yep, so I have made the decision and am happy for it. I hate having an unquiet mind, which sadly is par for the course on this darned PhD.

In the moment for a while though - I am leaving my volunteering position today! Thank goodness! As I write I am in a really cliquey office and cannot wait to get out and go home. I am not going to see the village they work with on xmas eve any nore, I shall see it when I am there myself in Jan, it is close to my field site. I am slowing down now on the practical side, and will return with a vengeance on the 14 Jan. In the meantime I shall spend days at the library reading about doing fieldwork and being a participant ethnographer, and then go on holiday! Can't. Blinkin'. Wait. This work placement has been a complete disappointment. Total. I feel so let down! They said I could work with their tsunami projects, I desperately wish they had told me there were none. But it is all part of the process is it not? And being here, working, getting rickshaws, speaking Tamil, teaching, realising I can write kiddies stories, meeting some people here who have helped me enormously with settling into Indian life - all that has been worth a lot. Just hasn't generated much direct information!

I am enjoying myself though, honest! It is just such demanding work, of your whole self, and it demands things of you that you could never have anticipated. I sincerely believe that I will come out of this a stonger and more confident and capable person. However, I am still so looking forward to going home and writing up and feeling a semblence of control over my environment. I can't imagine the pleasure of having a fridge, stocked with food... Then again, as I do this research it makes me realise how much reading I have yet to do. Sooooo much learning! And then regurgitating! And re-writing! How on earth does it end?!! I don't think I will ever submit!

Well, I am off to do something. Not sure what... I hope no one is reading this and that you are all on holidays!

Have fun!
x J

Ps. I think one of the kiddies at the school has given me head lice! I kid you not. I am itching and scratching away. UG! That is pretty gritty?!! hehe x