December you say?! Nah...

It is so hot here! So hot! We spent a lot of this afternoon on the beach, drinking some chai and watching the world go by... I jsut cannot believe that it is December, let alone the 21st! I went chrimbly shopping for DB yesterday though, and got irritated with the people, the noise and the queues so felt very much like christmas! And I came home, wrapped them to some wonderfully dodgy Boney M christmas songs I bought down the road for about £2, and have now them on top of the 'Christmas TV'.

I have been feeling stressy the past couple of days about work, and wanted to read about others' experiences and came accross this blog entry from June last year, it sums up my feelings so closely and is written brilliantly:
http://www.antropologi.info/blog/cicilie/cicilie.php?p=2658&more=1&c=1&tb=1&pb=1

I really feel for her feelings of sad failure that she never managed to really integrate or 'live' her experiences. I feel like that here, to the point where participation as discussed at home is almost impossible, and even to think I am participating and not an outsider would be to compromise myself ethically and analytically. I need to be aware that I am seen as a priviledged outsider with money and white skin. I am not a local villager, our lives are so far removed, predominantly because of culture and language. Yet we do communicate and have our own form of relationship, which in itself transforms a malleable 'everyday' - while I am here I am part of that everyday, and therefore I am participating. I give a little, they give a little and together we create a new 'everyday'. Hmmm...

I don't think she failed anyway, I think she just feels tired and dissillusioned. When she had been home for a few months I think she would realise she had done so much better than she felt when she wrote the post. I also understand her feelings of fieldwork as 'work' and not participation, as in, you are always watching, learning, listening, planning, analysing, trying to understand... Never just 'being'. It is tiring! you never know if you are paying attention to the right things, or even if you are in the right place! Arg, it is such a guessing game. Sometimes you just have to suck it and see (say I, with little faith).

I also have to read Wolcott The Art of Fieldwork. I have not yet and feel that if I do I will have so much knowledge about how to approach this whole thing, and also be able to manage my expectations better. His work seems to be full of wise quotes. He also says (according to above blog post) to plan your work from the end, to see what you want from it. I am going to do that now.

I also have to go through my interview tape with the Academic. I listened to some of it for the first time yesterday and couldn't believe how posh and childish my voice sounds. More high pitched than it is in my head, and very clipped and British. How strange!

Am tired of the research atm, and thinking stupidly negatively about what to do next. Is daft, and I am in dire need of some enthusiasm. I am also really missing christmas! Much more than I thought I would. I love christmas, it is such a fantastic time of year with my family. :0(

On with the work! Am going to do some planning. Planning always makes one feel better when in a pinch!

x J