Bah

I am really cross with myself and think this will continue to be the status quo, rather than any kind of catalyst for change. Which makes me really, really cross.

I don't know why I am being so slack. I am so embarrassed and ashamed, and cross and annoyed and yet all I seem to do about it is stare into space. What is this?! Yesterday I did... zilch. I was bored. I read the internet allllll day. I did nothing. Today I am knackered but have had some coffee, a shower and breakfast. I can't go for a swim because I am too tired and too lazy. So I set about working. I start a brainstorm. I then wandered off at some point and ended up back at the laptop I had banned myself from.

I would say maybe I need some time off, but I really have had nearly all week off. Not 'off' off, obviously, but not productive, so not working, so 'off'. I have got very little to do - I just have to make the arguments I have follow a coherent order, and match them to the reading sources I have done. Then when I come back from India all I have to do is join the dots and ta da! Paper done. Why won't I do this?! It feels like when I am skiving because I have lots of time in front of me and no sense of urgency. I hate this feeling, I hate sitting around doing nothing and yet I cannot compel myself to work when I feel I 'don't need to'. I threaten myself and try and scare myself with thoughts of when Beanie is here and how much I will regret my slackness, how much work I have to do, how much better I would feel later if I did some. But the first two are so abstract as to be meaningless, and the latter does make me feel like I want to work... but then I will forget I haven't done any work the moment I fall asleep (again, is my new thing) in front of the simpsons at 6pm. So that won't matter either.

It's so depressing. BUT, on the other hand - does it *really* matter? If I am trying to fool myself into working, is there the other side of the coin that means maybe I don't *have* to work, and that is why I am, well, not?! Or, is there other work I could do for a while, to break up the monotony for a bit?

Answers:
Actually, it doesn't *really* matter, I have Saturday (shan't work as is actual day off (!)); Sunday (might work but will probably do India stuff); Monday (am going into town to do last minute jobs for India - Superdrug mainly); and Tuesday - the last day, the day when all will be packed and ready to go (because I am being ridiculously organised, even for me) when I shall start feeling the pressure and should really knuckle down and just get this done so I can go away feeling relaxed about what I am coming back to. OR I will be all jittery and excitable and not get anything done, which is my biggest fear.

I think I feel really guilty about the fact that I only do what is *needed*, no more, no less. But then I saw my Sup yesterday and again have the feeling that this set-up clearly works, I am doing my PhD, I am making progress, I am on target for deadlines and stuff. And you can only do what you can do. It is not possible to work every day from 9-5 like an academic drone (is it?!!). I don't go anywhere or do anything all week, I just sit at my desk and work, on my own. I don't have coffee breaks, I barely have a lunch break, and I don't talk to a soul except DB and the postman. So even though I skive a *lot* I also work and think a lot. My Sup has never once made the slightest noise about me not achieving enough, in fact I am one of the best in the dept by all acounts (I know, I don't get it either). And maybe the fact that each day I don't work I feel terrible about it is part of working and being motivated.

Am not motivated though, I am just terribly, terribly bored. I have been sat at that stupid desk every day since the end of March. I did have a couple of days off for Cornwall. That makes over three months without any change of scenary. Maybe that's just it then. Is time for a break, a new scene (am sick of my desk and the window and ug, all of it!) and a refreshed brain. I know if I wasn't going to India this week I would be off to my Ma's in Spain instead, I really feel that urge for a break. But then you have to finish the work to go on the break and it is sooooooo hard! I don't wanna, I want to go on my break NOW!!! Though it isn't a break, is just a different type of stress. Great.

Hehe.

Well, having thought that through I am off to get a cup of tea that I don't want but feel makes an important prop, and I am going to make myself work. NO LAPTOP!!

x J