Ah bejaysus

There is a man on R and J making a snickers bar himself! It is AMAZING. I was quite scornful when the segment started but wow, he is going for it! How fabulous to be able to make that yourself! He has a gazillion of them on this baking tray. I am jealous.

Today was a better day of work! Much better - I concentrated and got through quite a few articles. I only did about 3 hours worth though, as I went to the pool and then got my haircut. My haircut is amazing amazing amazing (am taking my cue from Big Brother's Belinda. She breathlessly introduced herself to about 13 people as 'Belinda, Belinda, Belinda' and THEN explained to each one as they said hello and dared to say their name that 'if you say your name three times people will remember it! Belinda, Belinda, Belinda!'.

Kill Belinda.

Anyway, my hairs are lovely and all short! Hurray! I had this lovely young girl do it and she took about an hour and a half... because she hasn't cut this kind of hairstyle before so was v slow and also wasn't listening very hard to my description. I showed her pics and she totally ignored them after a while and did her own thing. At one stage I had a giant bob and had to convince her I wanted short hair. Yes, yes, short - go wild! But the finished article is fabulous. I hate going to the hairdressers (see previous hair-obssessed entry) and I realised today that it is simply because I am such a control freak. SUCH a control freak. Maybe I realised this before and posted it but I can't even let a very trained hairdresser cut my hair without having controlling thoughts and being bossy. Not assertive; bossy. Never make me a manager. How would I have faith in anyone to do the work?!! I would watch and fidget and then storm over huffing 'I'll do it mySELF' like they did something wrong - just so I could take over. Hmmm. Maybe I should address this. But how do you get over being a control freak? Eugh what if it was through conditioning, like for arachnaphobics when they put the spider on them? I would have to watch DB cook a meal with my mouth taped up and be tied to a chair so I couldn't intervene or say anything. Poor chap, he has - much to my chagrin - totally stopped offering to cook ever. Because when he does I say YEAH! Fab! and really mean it. Then he says what he will cook and I don't want it. Then he says something else and I say we can't have that (because I think he will ruin it, like steaks. He WILL - I have empirical evidence), and on until he cooks something that I have told him he can cook via a process of elimination. And then he will cook and I have to stay in the living room (boring) so I go in to say hello and see carnage or inefficiency and get twitchy and can't not say anything. So there. I am a bad person. What shall I do? How can I have more faith and less control of other people when they almost invariably get it wrong?!!! HAHA. I am a nightmare. Does anyone else have this and hold down a good job? Not work for themselves?!! I doubt it.

Speaking of which last night I started seriously considering getting a real job after this PhD. I think I really want to work for a while. I am really scared that I will never have a 'proper job' (earning over £30k) because I am convinced no-one would employ me at such a high level. I have had a lot of jobs, the highest I have earned has been 14.5k, because I have had stop-gap jobs (while I look for a better one or before I start another degree...) but no real jobs. I am really scared of this. If I got a real job for a bit and some childers I would be a satiated lady. I don't aspire for much more (what else is there?!!!). But for some reason I have convinced myself over the past few years that I just want to do this PhD then live in the country and be a bit of a recluse. I have a dilemma though that is VERY serious: children. I want to have two kids by the time I get this 'proper job' - hopefully incubate one sometime next year and another after I have submitted. I want to take a year off after the PhD, try and get the bug*er published, write articles and tout myself around conferences. I also want to write to agencies I want to work for and show them what I can offer, (with a contact from a conference etc) or apply for jobs etc. I think networking will be the way forward anyway. So now we are looking at me having a two and one year old (ish) when I want to start to work. And I will miss them growing up which would just be devastating for me (yes, I had a fractured childhood, no need for any psychobabble please). DB will be a house husband - he has offered that. But that breaks my heart. They would see him all the time and me only in the evenings. They would be the family and I would be a hanger-on with other priorities. Lord no, I couldn't do that. So what to do?!!! In my perfect world I would be an author and independent researcher and artist at home while they are growing and then when all are in school I would go and get a job. I get very stressed trying to work it all out. And then I question what on earth I think I am doing, trying to organise and predict the future. Who can possibly do this?! However much of a control freak I am, even I have to leave that to providence. I never EVER would have expected to be doing a PhD in a million years and should remember this more often when I get fretful about the future.

Silly bird.

x J