End of another day..

I failed again! I didn't hardly do anything!! I am cross with myself but determined to make it up tomorrow. I am getting a bit stressed and think I am getting to that place where you end up doing nothing and being glum and disappointed, then suddenly, one day (soon I hope) you get up and it all seems much more manageable and ka-boom! Work is being done. Is like 'thinker's block'... hehe.

I am a bit freaked out because it has got very dark outside all of a sudden - like, really really dark - and really windy. Like a witch must be flying overhead. And I am all on my todd. Eek! I am afeared of the evil atmosphere that seems to be looming over my house... Luckily Richard and Judy (TV chatshow; brainless nonsense with ludicrous - and unwittingly funny - hosts Richard, and, yes, his wife Judy...) are not yet talking in tongues so I shall put this odd turn down to meteorological causes only... For now.

I bought my friend her 30th beeday pressie today: zorbing. It is a day-out pressie, and she gets to be strapped into a massive inflatable ball and pushed down a hill in it. She likes being put in dangerous, adrenaline inducing situations so I hope she likes it. I am also going to get the 'Tao of Pooh' book, which explains how Winnie the Pooh is akin to the Chinese philosophy of Tao. Seems quite good and we came accross it for the first time when we travelling as wee 22 year olds back in the day... so i thought it would have a personal resonance and it is a philosophy of life for the new decade... I hope these are good presents and not too naff or inappropriate. I fret about stuff like this. My other friend is getting a lovely necklace and I think she probably only wants one or two necklaces - are bound to be a few of them cropping up as it is quite a lovely but obvious pres perhaps?! Arg I feel like a bit of a cow saying that! Am not though!

So what did I do today?! Oh, oh, R and J are sidetracking me by introducing a feature about how dogs and cats will behave oddly after the death of a loved one because they sense dead people. And are showing a clip of a cat being odd from the film 'Ghost' when a dead Patrick Swayze is in the room... I love how they take this so seriously! Do they think the film was a documentary?Bless. Not that I am necessarily a disbeliever, no sir, but they just take it super-seriously and this is rather comical.

Anyway, anyway. I did read through the work for the chapter I have done so far (about 3500 words) which has been copied-and-pasted from a dissertation and from my previous chapter and I am pleased to report two things:
1) There is a vague outline which can easily be fleshed out. It obviously needs to be made more rigorous, a proper argument needs to be introduced and it lacks structure and coherent analysis. The writing is a bit poor as well.
2) I noticed this! Woo! So I must be getting better without realising it because a lot of this chapter is from a dissertation I got a clear distinction in last year for my MRes, and now reading it I see a few clunky phrases and weak analysis (although it was meant to represent a certain type of discourse rather than be completely analysed itself. I must remember this). I can clearly read my own work and be objective about it. This is great.

So I have an outline to develop which is great. I was so worried about reading this work and thinking it was great as it was and being stuck about how to develop it into a chapter. Also, I read my chapter outline from my chapter plan and it was really useful, reminding me of what I want to do with this section. Woo -ha! I felt really miserable about the PhD this avo as well. I was reading a forum and there were a few posts about being stressed and unhappy and worrried and I was thinking 'well, I am quite happy in my work', and then I got all worried and thought maybe I was being stupid and should be more worried, and thought the reason I wasn't worried was because I probably didn't work hard enough. And THEN I started to think about how I had to write this chapter and then the next one - having worked out my methodology - then had to do fieldwork when I have never interviewed anyone in my life, then wondered what if my volunteering placement is awful and useless and I hate it, then wondered what if DB hates it, then thought what shall I do when I get back and have to do analysis: how do I do this?! And then I thought how do I write it all up? I can't write it up, I don't know anything. I am of average academic ability, how am I going to write this thing up properly? Am I deluding myself by thinking that the work I am doing now is going to be anywhere near good enough?

Arg. And then I read more of my chapter work, criticised it, re-wrote a rough plan and felt much better and almost competent. Leave tomorrow to tomorrow eh?

Back to R and J, I have an animal-death intuition story, although I think it could also be called an animal-death coincidence story... When my pet fish died (see 'chaz the fantail goldfish' ) I buried him and then sat outside reading my book and Jeremy the cat-from-next-door came and sat at my feet, as if to keep me company because I was petless now. I felt really comforted and DB came out and saw us and commented too. Silly I know, but I really loved that cat then. And he has never done it since... spooky.

I am chilling out this evening - no work, no exercise. Am meant to be doing some work for DB so I can buy a new dress for a wedding I am going to at the end of the month. My one from last year doesn't fit me any more with this new exercise regime I have developed! Woo! It is bloomin' gorgeous though so will be sad to see it go. We are going to the wedding in Bath so have to go a day early and are staying in this lovely B and B. Am really looking forward to it because the b and b will be all romantic, Bath is a beautiful part of the world and I love weddings. After we are heading to Cornwall to see our friends for the rest of the week. SO my plan is to get this chapter done, then bug*er off for a week, then come back and re read it and put it to bed to start the methodology chapter... We shall see, but I think it is good motivation. I feel bad though, especially when I read forum posts like 'working on my birthday' or, 'never have a day off'... I just don't exist in this whirlwind realm of PhD-land. I do sometimes, when a deadline is coming up, but generally like to think that slow and steady wins the race... I think when I get back from fieldwork and am analysing etc it will probably be this manic land of work, work, work. But then I have another 18 months from when I get back until my submission deadline. Is this tight? I think it should be quite manageable. I read one post, once, where the lady said she had got her PhD in social sciences and drank through it and had time off and didn't have a totally fretful time of it... I love that lady. There is no point me flogging myself more when my Sups and me are quite happy with the way it is going, just to say how hard I work to other people is there???

I have to go now and get myself ready for the psycho-sob fest that is hollyoaks...

x J