I am working! Only a bit. But working!
I am sat in my sitting room, having cleaned the house like crazy all morning because the cat is making DB allergic. Then had lunch and watched a tv programme. Then thought about having a fag and remember I don't smoke any more. Then decided i might work.
Feel a bit panicky... Oh, yeah, I have had three panic attacks this weekend :( What an arse, is completely humiliating being such a wreck. Am going to the drs on Thurs but think if I can start working and thinking about getting pregnant again I will be ok. I feel really horrible about work, I have no confidence and feel like a total failure and have no perspective. I know I can't meet my deadlines, even with the extra time from being on sick leave and this is terrifying. If I don't meet my deadlines the dept will be punished by the ESRC, and my Sup will be very disappointed and still unable to retire. But I don't know how to get it extended. For now, for today, I am just doing what I can.
It is mad how unfamiliar and yet familiar my work is after so long away. I have never spent so long away and it seems weird that I used to write about this stuff with such confidence, and, dare I say it, competence (looking at my work it doesn't seem all that bad, really). And just now, I typed a new version of a sentence as if I even knew what I was saying. This is a big step for me. And because this is my discussion chapter it is very opinionated, so is really weird to be editing a chapter that is so opinionated, with my opinions, when at the mo I have a panic attack when trying to choose a sandwich to take on the train with me (I do, I did. WTF). I want my old self back again. I want to be the person who writes this gubbins! That person is pretty cool and, like, knows shit. I am not cool and know shit all :(
I want to get preggo again and finish uni. I want me old life back when it was all ok!
And so today I try to edit ONE page of my discussion chapter. What is amazing about this process is realising how important my research is to me, and how relevant it actually is to international relations. Other people might think it is shit, and that is fine because it probably is, but reading it and the language and stuff is... well... it is quite intelligent and... important. So maybe, if i can hang onto that realisation I can get confidence again, and motivation, and do some work?
One step at a time. One page, for today.
x J
I am sat in my sitting room, having cleaned the house like crazy all morning because the cat is making DB allergic. Then had lunch and watched a tv programme. Then thought about having a fag and remember I don't smoke any more. Then decided i might work.
Feel a bit panicky... Oh, yeah, I have had three panic attacks this weekend :( What an arse, is completely humiliating being such a wreck. Am going to the drs on Thurs but think if I can start working and thinking about getting pregnant again I will be ok. I feel really horrible about work, I have no confidence and feel like a total failure and have no perspective. I know I can't meet my deadlines, even with the extra time from being on sick leave and this is terrifying. If I don't meet my deadlines the dept will be punished by the ESRC, and my Sup will be very disappointed and still unable to retire. But I don't know how to get it extended. For now, for today, I am just doing what I can.
It is mad how unfamiliar and yet familiar my work is after so long away. I have never spent so long away and it seems weird that I used to write about this stuff with such confidence, and, dare I say it, competence (looking at my work it doesn't seem all that bad, really). And just now, I typed a new version of a sentence as if I even knew what I was saying. This is a big step for me. And because this is my discussion chapter it is very opinionated, so is really weird to be editing a chapter that is so opinionated, with my opinions, when at the mo I have a panic attack when trying to choose a sandwich to take on the train with me (I do, I did. WTF). I want my old self back again. I want to be the person who writes this gubbins! That person is pretty cool and, like, knows shit. I am not cool and know shit all :(
I want to get preggo again and finish uni. I want me old life back when it was all ok!
And so today I try to edit ONE page of my discussion chapter. What is amazing about this process is realising how important my research is to me, and how relevant it actually is to international relations. Other people might think it is shit, and that is fine because it probably is, but reading it and the language and stuff is... well... it is quite intelligent and... important. So maybe, if i can hang onto that realisation I can get confidence again, and motivation, and do some work?
One step at a time. One page, for today.
x J
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