I am getting much better :) I am soooo glad I had this week off. I have had a magic day with my son in the garden and the paddling pool and the gorgeous weather and feel whole again... and had time to think and feel good about work :)
I thought that I was not working because I was lazy or procrastinating, and because I am finishing a PhD that would be a perfectly reasonable assumption. However, with the mental jumps I have made this week I have realised that I really did need the time off to reflect, let my brain relax and do its subconscious magic... Anyway, I have realised that I can (must) finish this work. I will finish this work. And probably won't have much more time added on to help.
I will go to the GPs next week and ask for more time, a couple of weeks hopefully, and ask for counselling to help me manage my life (shit family stuff and the miscarriage and just STUFF). They can only say no, and for the first time in a while the thought of anyone saying 'no' to me doesn't send me into a panic. I have been pretty weird and fragile and anyone arguing with me, criticising me or putting pressure on me has made me really, really stressed and panicky. I put this down to the feeling of failure and fragility caused by the miscarriage, the feelinbg of being out of control and a bit crap. I also put this down to the stage I am at with the PhD and the terrible timing of the negative response to mt shit discussion chapter and finding out about the mc. The feeling of failure at both incredibly important aspects of my life that were solely my responsibility was too much and meant i retired for a while. Didn't think I could come back. But I can.
I will make sure I have a lot of treats, and let myself start back slowly. The Uni won't kick me out if I cannot submit when they say i have to, but i won't make my life easier by leaving it later to let them know if I think I will miss it. I need to email uni and see if there is a way I can apply for an extension with the esrc, pleading mitigating circs. I don't want to hand in later than the end of August.
I am putting all thoughts of a new baby off until after I have submitted. It is too much of a distraction and if I do get lucky enough to be pregnant again I know I will be constantly shitting myself that they have died. This will NOT help me focus! No, for now, the PhD has to be first, then when it is over I will be SUCH a different person and a much better mama :) I can naval-gaze and shit myself to my heart's content!
Even if I get NO extra time I will be fine. I thought i could do it before and have to believe that again. I can do this. I like this work. If anything stresses me out I have to gain persepctive by thinking of this in terms of being a Masters dissertation. Remember how i worked for those and just did them. I did not consider not completing the work however horrible it was. I did have lots of treats and made sure I exercised a lot too.
It will be ok. Don't think in terms of 'getting a PhD'. Don't think about the doctorate, about the title or the graduation. Don't think of how that could never be you. Just get your head down and write what you know. Just write what you know - at this stage I reckon it could be quite a lot :)
Now, am off to finish my wine, then the bottle, then off to london tomorrow to see my bezzies for a reet good laugh.
x J
I thought that I was not working because I was lazy or procrastinating, and because I am finishing a PhD that would be a perfectly reasonable assumption. However, with the mental jumps I have made this week I have realised that I really did need the time off to reflect, let my brain relax and do its subconscious magic... Anyway, I have realised that I can (must) finish this work. I will finish this work. And probably won't have much more time added on to help.
I will go to the GPs next week and ask for more time, a couple of weeks hopefully, and ask for counselling to help me manage my life (shit family stuff and the miscarriage and just STUFF). They can only say no, and for the first time in a while the thought of anyone saying 'no' to me doesn't send me into a panic. I have been pretty weird and fragile and anyone arguing with me, criticising me or putting pressure on me has made me really, really stressed and panicky. I put this down to the feeling of failure and fragility caused by the miscarriage, the feelinbg of being out of control and a bit crap. I also put this down to the stage I am at with the PhD and the terrible timing of the negative response to mt shit discussion chapter and finding out about the mc. The feeling of failure at both incredibly important aspects of my life that were solely my responsibility was too much and meant i retired for a while. Didn't think I could come back. But I can.
I will make sure I have a lot of treats, and let myself start back slowly. The Uni won't kick me out if I cannot submit when they say i have to, but i won't make my life easier by leaving it later to let them know if I think I will miss it. I need to email uni and see if there is a way I can apply for an extension with the esrc, pleading mitigating circs. I don't want to hand in later than the end of August.
I am putting all thoughts of a new baby off until after I have submitted. It is too much of a distraction and if I do get lucky enough to be pregnant again I know I will be constantly shitting myself that they have died. This will NOT help me focus! No, for now, the PhD has to be first, then when it is over I will be SUCH a different person and a much better mama :) I can naval-gaze and shit myself to my heart's content!
Even if I get NO extra time I will be fine. I thought i could do it before and have to believe that again. I can do this. I like this work. If anything stresses me out I have to gain persepctive by thinking of this in terms of being a Masters dissertation. Remember how i worked for those and just did them. I did not consider not completing the work however horrible it was. I did have lots of treats and made sure I exercised a lot too.
It will be ok. Don't think in terms of 'getting a PhD'. Don't think about the doctorate, about the title or the graduation. Don't think of how that could never be you. Just get your head down and write what you know. Just write what you know - at this stage I reckon it could be quite a lot :)
Now, am off to finish my wine, then the bottle, then off to london tomorrow to see my bezzies for a reet good laugh.
x J
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