Right, am not complaining, but I can't work.
I just can't. There is static where my brain used to be and I spend all my time reading about other people and miscarriages. I had a bit of a step back recovery wise yesterday that I did expect but still was depressing, and so I am going to the Drs on Monday to get a note to plead extenuating circs to get an extension on my deadline. DB has completely got on board and apologised for telling me to just get the F*** on with it and stop whining. Phew. Support is an amazing tonic, I thought I was going mad because I couldn't work, I really did.
I do not want an extension, I do not want this to drag on, but I do want to finish, and to finish without compromising my mental health :) I would be ok, but the work would be crap, rushed and lackadaisical and it would be a sad sorry struggle. If I had a couple of weeks just to ease back into it, to be able to be chuffed just because I sat in my room and rifled through papers, then one day be chuffed because I managed to concentrate and not think about the miscarriage for ten minutes, and one day be chuffed i wrote 500 words... until I am back up to speed... well that would be so much healthier than constantly having bad days and feeling such a failure because I have dropped all the balls and just can't catch up. I know, completely and utterly, that if I wasn't under such huge time constraints I would feel more free and less pressured and more able to clear my mind of the static and do just a little bit, little bit, each day that I could be proud of and that would end up being lots. Slowly but surely the work would be the main thing in my mind again, rather than the miscarriage. But this will take time - not long, only a couple of weeks/a month but can't happen NOW simply because I will it. Like DB said, I am not the person I was before this all happened, the person who was working on this all before, and I need to encorporate my new self into the work but this will take a bit of time.
It is a bugger but i am not going anywhere, and I will still have August to chill out in should I get a month extension. We'll have to see how Monday goes but I assume they will send me away with a clean bill of health and a flea in my ear and I will be utterly f*cked ;0)
We are kitten hunting today! Exciting times :)
x J
I just can't. There is static where my brain used to be and I spend all my time reading about other people and miscarriages. I had a bit of a step back recovery wise yesterday that I did expect but still was depressing, and so I am going to the Drs on Monday to get a note to plead extenuating circs to get an extension on my deadline. DB has completely got on board and apologised for telling me to just get the F*** on with it and stop whining. Phew. Support is an amazing tonic, I thought I was going mad because I couldn't work, I really did.
I do not want an extension, I do not want this to drag on, but I do want to finish, and to finish without compromising my mental health :) I would be ok, but the work would be crap, rushed and lackadaisical and it would be a sad sorry struggle. If I had a couple of weeks just to ease back into it, to be able to be chuffed just because I sat in my room and rifled through papers, then one day be chuffed because I managed to concentrate and not think about the miscarriage for ten minutes, and one day be chuffed i wrote 500 words... until I am back up to speed... well that would be so much healthier than constantly having bad days and feeling such a failure because I have dropped all the balls and just can't catch up. I know, completely and utterly, that if I wasn't under such huge time constraints I would feel more free and less pressured and more able to clear my mind of the static and do just a little bit, little bit, each day that I could be proud of and that would end up being lots. Slowly but surely the work would be the main thing in my mind again, rather than the miscarriage. But this will take time - not long, only a couple of weeks/a month but can't happen NOW simply because I will it. Like DB said, I am not the person I was before this all happened, the person who was working on this all before, and I need to encorporate my new self into the work but this will take a bit of time.
It is a bugger but i am not going anywhere, and I will still have August to chill out in should I get a month extension. We'll have to see how Monday goes but I assume they will send me away with a clean bill of health and a flea in my ear and I will be utterly f*cked ;0)
We are kitten hunting today! Exciting times :)
x J
No comments:
Post a Comment