Arf I have been signed off by the drs. Well, I went for them to sign me off. I can't work, am getting behind and the fear and feeling of failure is palpable. I don't sleep well or for long enough, I am forgetful, I get panic attacks in shops and keep bursting into tears.
But I am fine! Just shit-fine. Something has to give, and it is work. I will not work for another two weeks, try and get some perspective on what has happened to me since the 19 March and hopefully it will be over by then (the miscarriage is still not technically over medically). Some time to sit back, look after myself and be normal and not insanely sad and freaked out by how my life has turned out. Need to get my head around stuff.
Then in two weeks, so... the 29th May, I shall come back and start working again but SLOWLY. I shall aim to do 250-500 words a day, no more, and I think this should be fine. Then, I shall probably need more sick notes to give myself breathing space to cope with the pressure of the submission date and work and get up to speed then whooomph, I shall freewheel my way back into super-speed, top notch workiness. I shall start achieving again, stop feeling frightened and panicky whenever i think about work let alone try to do any, and have my life back.
Then, I shall submit and breathe again, go on holiday to Italy (this is all booked for the 13 Sept) and move down South.
I shall have to take Bean to the Zoo before i finish. Even this goal, that I won't make it, makes me sad. I had my heart set on being pregnant, on finishing by the end of May, on going camping to celebrate, on taking my son to the zoo for the first time and being relaxed and happy in two weeks time. Instead I am a frazzled, guilty, failing, insomniac mess.
Chuh! We can only take each day as it comes, and know that the future will look after itself. It is the here and now, this very moment, that we must focus on.
See, now the pressure is off, now I can think and have space to breathe, I can start to be positive ;) This is a Big Change.
x J
But I am fine! Just shit-fine. Something has to give, and it is work. I will not work for another two weeks, try and get some perspective on what has happened to me since the 19 March and hopefully it will be over by then (the miscarriage is still not technically over medically). Some time to sit back, look after myself and be normal and not insanely sad and freaked out by how my life has turned out. Need to get my head around stuff.
Then in two weeks, so... the 29th May, I shall come back and start working again but SLOWLY. I shall aim to do 250-500 words a day, no more, and I think this should be fine. Then, I shall probably need more sick notes to give myself breathing space to cope with the pressure of the submission date and work and get up to speed then whooomph, I shall freewheel my way back into super-speed, top notch workiness. I shall start achieving again, stop feeling frightened and panicky whenever i think about work let alone try to do any, and have my life back.
Then, I shall submit and breathe again, go on holiday to Italy (this is all booked for the 13 Sept) and move down South.
I shall have to take Bean to the Zoo before i finish. Even this goal, that I won't make it, makes me sad. I had my heart set on being pregnant, on finishing by the end of May, on going camping to celebrate, on taking my son to the zoo for the first time and being relaxed and happy in two weeks time. Instead I am a frazzled, guilty, failing, insomniac mess.
Chuh! We can only take each day as it comes, and know that the future will look after itself. It is the here and now, this very moment, that we must focus on.
See, now the pressure is off, now I can think and have space to breathe, I can start to be positive ;) This is a Big Change.
x J
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