Eek, Thursday 28th August, 2008

Arf it's late in the week. Yesterday was my final, final deadline of all deadlines and... I am still working on it.

I had a thought this morning though... well two actually. One, I thought well, I am working on it every day and some weekends - albeit some days better than others- but I am working, and it just *is* taking this long. It is a BIG chapter. Bigger than I ever thought. So big that if I had known it was going to be this big I would never had started it. Oh no, wait, that's the whole PhD.

My second thought was whether this time next year, when I am revisiting this chapter, I will be really pleased that I met the deadline and didn't finish the chapter, or would I not give a flying fig about the deadline and just give myself an enormous, grateful cuddle for having finished it, not hving left me hanging in the middle of a whole load of seemingly 'good' ideas?! I think the latter.

My third thought is, my Sup doesn't care and is happy to let me carry on, so I am obviously not doing anything 'wrong'.

My fourth thought (wow! I was really going for it! All this thinking) was that I do have two months before I leave to go on my big ol' trip, so another week won't hurt.

But even though I have had all of these very reasonable thoughts, I do still feel like somewhat of a failure for still being on it. I think I just really am getting tired of it now and want to move on. Which is a really good thing. I seriously do not want to be doing this toward the end of next week. I am really looking forword to planning my methodology and my trip and am eager to get to it!

DB is going away today so I shall be working on it this weekend I reckon. I am detoxing while I can. Speaking of which we went out for some grub last night at this chinese retaurant down the road and get this: we had soup, mixed starters and three mains to share with a huge bowl of rice for £13.50 each?!! We saw the offer and were very confused. But it was true. Funnily enough the place was packed. The food wasn't that great to be honest - as you would expect though really at that price! This says a lot about British cultural dining I think. That a place would be packed because of the volume and cheapness of the food, whereas our continental cousins would probably baulk and hand over the cash for some decent grub. I am not complaining though, I had a lovely time and I am quite a food snob. It was lovely just being me and DB (as it is all the time admittedly) BUT without the laptop or the tele or booze. Just fun chats. Ahhhh.

I saw the double BB last night too. I am very angry with the blatent misogynism on the show. The 'race-row' last year I swear was over less, which shows that how women are treated and abused simply for being women is way down the British political agenda. Darnell, a complex, intelligent man but with a penchant for using this intelligence to expound his woe on his sad life (he is a black albino which I know must be confusing and can't judge him on his life but it's no excuse for bullying others) and overanalyse any fault in any other human being that he feels 'let down' by. So we have Sara who is a mouthy but essentially kind and gentle Aussie who, admittedly, has constantly transferred her attentions to different men in the house although not once committed herself to any or led them on in any serious way. However, Darnell uses this to argue that she 'swings from d*cks' and that she is a 'sl*t' and a 'sl*g' and because she wouldn't get her boobs (tit*ies in Darnell's vernacular - but only when talking to her) out for him she was the biggest sl*g in the universe. THEN he went on to say behind her back that it's not him, it's just that she represents all the women he has known and how they treat him, 'dude'. He said this in the diary room as his justification for his behaviour! Then he said it again outside to other women who sat quietly, listening and giving advice. He said that he doesn't even 'rate' Sara and is frustrated because even though she is beneath him she won't be grateful for his attention and get with him. He finds it irritating because 'it' is out of his 'control'. Hello?!! Did they not hear him?! How awful is that? It brings up this whole issue of how womens behaviour is open to interpretation by men, and if they see it in a certain (sexual) way then the woman 'owes' them something, or is a 'c*ck tease' and should put out. What is this?! He talks as if all women 'owe' him something, as if they keep letting him down and he's 'fed-up with it, dude'. He sounds, to be honest, scary.

I was fuming. They did get a talking to by BB (another housemate, Rex was supporting Darnell though not actually implicating himself. As a group of men they ganged up on her and it was nasty viewing) but really, it's an outrage. Then, which was really sad, her close female friend nominated her in front of her face, but not this caveman, despite the fact that he had been nasty to her too! ?! In fact, the whole house put her up for eviction while the caveman sat pretty. I cannot believe that the girls are allowing this misogynistic vileness to happen around them - even support it! They could have condemned him without actually giving any reason or getting into any confrontation, by simply nominating him. Am I being too sensitive? I would say not, especially because DB was equally as outraged. Sara has treated this bullying with a lot of strength and I hope she is not evicted and I hope she wins. That'll show 'em.

Rant over. better work.

Change of mind, am emailing Channel Four my disgust. Rock on sisters.

Laters!

x J